MIL comments about baby DS

[Underpressure91]

A bit of background, I have a newborn DS, FIL died quite a few years ago. In some ways he wasn’t a very nice man and especially to MIL, he was quite controlling and talked badly to her in front of us all. She quite often confided she wanted to leave him. Since he died she has forgotten all this, seems to be stuck in a rose tinted view of the past romanticising him and hasn’t made any real attempts to move on.

My AIBU is the comments she keeps making implying that my son is a reincarnation of FIL, she says things about him being an ‘old soul’ and FIL walking this earth again as DS, when we are there she is getting down loads of pictures of FIL and saying ‘oh he’s looking at himself’. It makes me really angry because firstly I don’t want DS to grow up like his grandad and secondly it’s like she’s disregarding the fact he is half me/mine.

AIBU to be annoyed by this? I’m still quite hormonal too and I don’t want to be making a fuss over nothing.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Just say ‘Let me stop you there, MIL. DS is no one apart from his individual baby self. Please stop.’ If she won’t listen point out that you don’t all have amnesia about the unpleasantness of her dead husband.

all old people love to compare a new born to other old people. most of the time there is no resemblance at all, its just what old people do. don't overthink it x

implying that my son is a reincarnation of FIL,

Next time she says it say
"well I hope not, I couldn't ever cope with him speaking to me the way fil spoke to you".
Thatll shut her up

What does your DH say?
Surely he wouldn't be too pleased that his child is compared to his verbally abusive father?

Next time firmly say
“No it’s not X.
And I want to be clear, my DS is not a reincarnation nor does he have “the look of” FIL.
he is not an old soul, he is a brand new one.
And I need you to stop this.
Whatever unresolved issue you have with your deceased husband is between you and him. Stop projecting onto my baby. It’s not right.”

tailor from the “and I want to be clear..” as you see fit but have that bit nailed down / prepared ahead of time.
say it calmly slowly and maintain eye contact.

end with something along the lines of “I don’t want to have to discuss this again. So can i confirm I have made myself clear on this topic?” Wait for a yes….

I don’t think the OP literally worries that her baby is the reincarnation of her dead FIL, I think she’s just annoyed with the big cognitive dissonance involved in favourably comparing a baby to a man who made her MIL miserable.

I think bereavement, whoever it is, the relatives often makes the deceased seem much nicer than they may have been, in life. 🤷‍♀️

I once read something that says when we look back, we automatically filter out bad memories and upsets, it’s the brains way of protecting us from hurting all over again. That’s what MIL is doing.

And babies often look like old people.

It’s batshit if she thinks the baby is FIL reincarnated though. Just repeat, baby is his own person and own soul. Point out his resemblance to you/other family members.

DH doesn’t like it but mainly because it annoys me, he wouldn’t say much against FIL outright in case MIL gets upset again.

‘No he isn’t, he’s his lovely unique self. Oh dear not a nice thing to say to a lovely new baby! Oh dear maybe time to go for a little bit of fresh air I think’ - and you get up, take the baby with no preamble at all, even if MIL is holding him, and whisk out of the room with a look at DH. Every single time.

Honestly, I think this is completely normal for grandparents. Firstly, people tend to notice in babies the characteristics of people they know best. I remember my ex-SIL's family all raving over how much my niece looked like ex-SIL... but whenever any of my family or my parents' friends saw her, they all said she looked just like me and my brother. I think our brains tend to emphasise the features we're most familiar with, perhaps?

I also think that for people who have lost someone, it's probably just a natural comfort to them to have a child remind them of the person they've lost.

I absolutely do understand why it's annoying, but I think that as your son grows and changes and his own unique personality becomes apparent, the comparisons will probably stop. And even if they don't, and it's not like your MIL comparing your son to your FIL is actually going to make your son look or behave like your late FIL.

It's very natural that you're feeling possessive (not in a bad way!) and protective of your baby, and that you have that ultra-strong feeling of wanting to remind people that he's yours, but I think a lot of what you're feeling is probably because he's a newborn and you're at the height of your most territorial new-mum hormones. One day this will be something you just roll your eyes at, rather than feeling properly annoyed by it!

he wouldn’t say much against FIL outright in case MIL gets upset again.

Then you say it to her.

I’m mean there is making comments about them looking alike and appearing to think your son IS her dead husband reborn. That seems a really extreme and worrying thing to think. I’d be concerned about her unless she’s always been the past lives/reincarnation kind.

My MIL used to do this, my reply was always a breezy ' How funny, all my relatives think he looks just like my side of the family' and in your case I'd add ' he's got a bit of me and a bit of DH but mainly he's just his own little person' Then move the convo on.
Hopefully she'll get the hint. (Similar to you my FIL had died about a year before baby was born and she was obviously grieving, but you can't put that burden of grief onto a baby and force them to be someone they are not. )

🙄

Just tell her to stop being so weird! I mean, why mince your words about this?

Why do all the wives have to speak to MIL because their DH don't want to 🤦🏻‍♀️

"Oh don't be silly, of course he's not"
Laugh. Every single time.

This is the best approach, not confrontational. not rude, not aggressive, just politely assertive.

I appreciate that it’s upsetting but this is quite aggressive when a person is struggling with grief. Many people do not easily resolve grief. Taking shots at the quality of their relationship has the potential to be very hurtful and is not relevant to the behaviour.

MIL’s behaviour is almost certainly going to stop as the baby grows and shows his own personality so this is very unlikely to cause harm. It’s much kinder to gently rebuff and say ‘oh my whole family thinks he looks like great Aunt Pearl. I think we all see the family in babies but he’s his own wonderful little person.’ If she actually doesn’t stop and continues past a year or two then she might need help for prolonged grief disorder or something similar.

Yep.
And I don’t believe it’s true that “all old people” do this.

It is a fairly common trait for grandparents to compare babies to relatives (especially on their side of the family) and has been since time immemorial. It is also extremely common for widows not to want to acknowledge that the man they gave the best part of their lives to, and whose children they bore, was a bastard. I think there's even a name for it. Your MIL isn't young and losing your DH after years of marriage, even if he wasn't particularly nice, is traumatising. I think some leeway is due here.

What is she like generally. Is she a nice woman. Do you get on with her apart from this? Has she got any good points?

@misszebra "all old people love to compare a new born to other old people. most of the time there is no resemblance at all, its just what old people do. don't overthink it"

Everyone does it. But hey, let's add a little ageism into the mix, why don't we?

I mean... most babies are bald and a lot of them are grumpy so he probably does look a bit like a grouchy old man, at the same time as being his gorgeous baby self! And newborn babies do usually look more like their dads, apparently it's an evolutionary thing. I would just ignore it. If she's still doing it a year from now then maybe ask her to knock it off, but a small baby is not going to be affected by this.

its not ageism its a fact