MIL comments about baby DS

[Underpressure91]

A bit of background, I have a newborn DS, FIL died quite a few years ago. In some ways he wasn’t a very nice man and especially to MIL, he was quite controlling and talked badly to her in front of us all. She quite often confided she wanted to leave him. Since he died she has forgotten all this, seems to be stuck in a rose tinted view of the past romanticising him and hasn’t made any real attempts to move on.

My AIBU is the comments she keeps making implying that my son is a reincarnation of FIL, she says things about him being an ‘old soul’ and FIL walking this earth again as DS, when we are there she is getting down loads of pictures of FIL and saying ‘oh he’s looking at himself’. It makes me really angry because firstly I don’t want DS to grow up like his grandad and secondly it’s like she’s disregarding the fact he is half me/mine.

AIBU to be annoyed by this? I’m still quite hormonal too and I don’t want to be making a fuss over nothing.

Just suck it up. It's not hurting you and it probably makes your MIL who has lost her husband and probably feeling the reality of her own mortality feel a bit better. Does no one have any empathy for other people anymore? Jesus Christ.

Say Jesus Christ. I hope not. You spend years trying to escape him.

Try and cut her some slack. She had a conflicted relationship with her husband and that can make for complex and prolonged grieving. The more unresolved issues there were the harder the journey can be. She isn't actually hurting anyone, other than making you a bit miffed that she's cutting you out of the genetics, but she's also cutting herself out, so it's not to slight you, but to do with the way she is grieving. I think in time as she adjusts and moves through the stages, she will do this less.

Jesus, sorry but that's just plain weird. I've never come across that from someone irrespective of age.

This is what I would do. It would be a very strong look at DH as well.

She sounds bonkers.

This. Choose which hills to die on.
Grief makes people do, say and think strange things and grief can turn complicated. And people of your MIL age don’t see this, they don’t turn to counseling or support, the muddle on through. And the last thing she needs is you sniping at her. Ok, what she is saying is daft. But you know it’s not true. If it comforts her to think the kid looks like her late husband, leave her to it.

Oh look he's looking at himself - That would be a no from me ...

This would annoy me too, I think because your son is his own individual so I’d maybe just say something along the lines of “no, he is not FIL he is his own individual person” and see if she gets the message.

Saying that babies remind you of someone is normal (but not ideal here).

However if she is literally saying that FIL has been reincarnated as DS then that is batshit. And I would really have a problem with it personally.

"I bloody well hope not - I won't put up with that tosh if he tries it with me" would be my response.

My MIL has a fixation too, but a much more benign one. I just treat it like a drinking game and imagine taking a shot every time she mentions it.

I find it mentally neuters her comments. As PP said, her comments can't change who your son is. If she's off on a weird one about her deceased husband instead of enjoying your lovely son for who he is, then it's her loss.

@TemuSpecialBuy Bloody hell there's no need to be so cruel. If I spoke to my MIL like that she'd probably slap me across the face!

Eh?

The MIL might be only about 40 - be careful with the 'old' comments, people.

@misszebra So nobody under the age of 60 (actually, you probably think 40's old!) has ever said "oh, he looks just like Uncle Fred!" "She's the image of her mum!"

Right then.

Think you just have to tell her outright. mil, can you please stop comparing him to FIL, it really upsets me, can you stop with it now please

OP I dont think a lot of people are getting your point here!
Yes lots of people will often compare the look of a baby to members of the family and I think if that's all this was you wouldn't have an issue.
What ISNT normal is to be projecting on to your DS that he is FiL reincarnate and is 'walking the earth again' , showing him photots of FiL and saying 'oh, hes looking at himself ' is not normal .
If she is generally someone you get on with I think I'd say to DH if he isn't willing to speak to her then you will. Not confrontational but in a kind way, talking about understanding loss of FiL feels a bit more real (a new baby often brings up emotions) but that she needs to stop saying he IS FiL. He may have similar characteristics but he is NOT FiL and you (and DH!) are finding this situation VERY upsetting .

why are you jumping to a conclusion with no knowledge of me??? weirdo.

@misszebra "

why are you jumping to a conclusion with no knowledge of me??? weirdo."

Oh, I don't know. It might have been you saying "all old people love to compare a new born to other old people. most of the time there is no resemblance at all, it's just what old people do".....

Are either of your dps around? In my house the tensions between the two grannies reached a fever pitch over the pfb’s cradle with these sorts of conversations.

But the only person who could reality check the nonsense was the opposing family’s matriarchal authority with equally bizarre claims.

not once did I say anyone over 40 is old. you're just throwing out whatever

@misszebra "not once did I say anyone over 40 is old. you're just throwing out whatever"

Fair enough. So just common or garden ageism then.

My husband's crazy aunts looked at the 12 week scan of his niece 20 years ago and swore blind it was like looking at their (dead) mother.

It was a grainy 12 week scan of a kidney bean with two little legs forming.

I'd leave her to it for the moment. But I wouldn't entertain it. I wouldn't agree or make any sort of comment. Regardless of the sort of man he was she's mourning her husband. She has rewritten history. She loved him and she loves your son. She'll eventually move on to something else when he starts moving, walking, talking. His own personality will come through. She might always feel a special fondness towards him as the first grandson after her husband passed but he'll become his own person and she'll see that.