How would this make you feel?

[HotWheelsMumma]

I often feel not a part of my families life. For background, I am in my 30’s and have one sibling who is early teens. It’s just the 2 of us. So we have both had an ‘only child’ upbringing really.
My DM will often call and tell me how they went for a family meal, with our surviving grandparent. But I am never invited and only ever find out about the plans after they have happened. I have 2 young children so they miss out also.
I recently was told by DM that she has stipulated in the will that my sibling inherits more or less everything. The reason being, sibling is younger than me and will need it more. I was fine with this, it’s her estate to divide up as she see’s fit.
However, surviving grandparent has just been having conversations, started by DM about his estate. In which she has told me she inherits the cash, my sibling a very expensive item of jewellery. I was not mentioned neither were GGC. The value of the item was mentioned and I casually asked if I would inherit the same in cash then. She laughed and said no.
AIBU to think that this is grossly unfair. Because the cash she inherits will also become my siblings so he basically gets everything from everyone. While I am not actually considered. Coupled with this the responsibility of sorting everything when my DP pass would fall to me being the oldest and my sibling being decades younger than me. I feel like I’m being entitled? And largely my issue is not financial, it is being completely overlooked and left out. I feel it difficult to speak about as I don’t want to come across as asking for money if that makes sense.

look Op there will be a back story

you haven’t shared

so difficult to answer

Wow that’s so unfair. You have every right to feel upset.

Do you and your siblings have the same father? If not, perhaps that may be the root of the inequality.

I imagine that things will be updated as your sibling grows up.

At the minute its totally uneven, your sibling will need money to see them through to adulthood, whereas you're already settled and financially independent.

I can see how it feels hurtful, but atm my will is that my young children get more of a share than my adult children, it's not playing favourites, it's just being practical. Things will change as the kids grow up.

The back story is that my sibling is younger. That’s it. There’s been no upset, no falling out. I’m not sure what extra detail is needed?

Same parents.

Thank you. This is insightful and makes a lot of sense in regard to DMs will. I’m still unsure about our surviving GPs will. I’m also sure that in the unlikely event my sibling was still very young when the will comes into play, that I would be the one to look after him.

How often do you see your family? Do you visit GP on your own? Invite them to dinner etc?

It seems rather unfair, and I should be hurt too, I just cannot imagine a reason why your mum would do this?

In that case I would tell them exactly how you feel. It's not about bloody money at all. They treat you like an outlier and it's disgraceful.

sure op

no back story when your DM “laughs” at you
no back story when not one member of the family (not just your DM, no one, invites you to family gatherings)

nope. no back story at all

"My DM will often call and tell me how they went for a family meal, with our surviving grandparent. But I am never invited and only ever find out about the plans after they have happened. I have 2 young children so they miss out also."
Tell them! Your mother may be assuming you are busy (you have two young children, of course you're busy!) and would not be interested. Raise the matter with her. Ask the question - 'Why am I never invited? I would really like to have been there!'

Re the not being invited- have you ever asked your mum why you’re not invited and said that you would like to be involved? That it hurts your feelings?

Re the will, obviously this seems incredibly unfair. Presumably your sibling would be an adult if your mum lives to old age so who knows whether you or your sibling will be more in need of the money at that point? I also believe that things should be split evenly between children (assuming no estrangement etc) regardless of need, otherwise it’s implied that one child is more loved/valued whether or not that’s the case.

It all seems very strange- is there more to your relationship that you haven’t mentioned?

oh and no back story to the grandparents also totally blanking out

I see DP & sibling often, usually weekly. However, I don’t actually know where GP lives and am seemingly kept at arms length from him? I can’t really understand why. As mentioned above, there has been no upset, or falling out. Nor anything ever mentioned to indicate I’ve upset/offended anybody. The information has all been a bit of a shock.

I‘d feel upset, too.
Unless one of my children turns out really awful, it‘ll be 50/50 no matter what.
My parents also try to treat my brother and i completely the same.

Have you received money for education/house down payment/any other reason before?

and have you always been kept at arms length?

you don’t have their contact details?

you can’t contact them and suggest heading out for lunch? or visiting?

I have said things such as, “oh I would have popped along with the DC” and the response is generally “oh I didn’t even think to ask”.
There is genuinely no missing info or hidden issues. Apart from things that would be massively identifiable on my part. My relationship with DM has never been all that close but certainly not estranged or the likes. I see her all the time.

You don't know where your GP lives? That is so odd.

Your DP and GP have clearly set out how they value you. Bear that in mind when you see them and spend time with them.

you don’t even know where you GPs live

and yet you’ve taken umbrage at the fact you’re not being left anything

Seemingly kept at arms length?

Have you indicated that you’d like to visit him? Could it be that he (or your parents) thinks that your children might be too much for him if you visited?

I think I might ask DM for his phone number. It I don’t want her to think I’m wanting it purely for will purposes. GP was missing from DMs life for a number of years. They got back in contact a few years go. And since they have been back in touch I have not had an opportunity for involvement really. Outside of seeing GP at DMs a couple of times.

well given you don’t seem to have even the faintest relationship with your GPs and haven’t even bothered to find out where they live… i’m not surprised you’re not invited

This!

I would be hurt at this. It happens though, although generally you don't find out about it until the will is read out. Happened twice in my family, and in both instances it was down to the assumption that the child that didn't benefit was doing well in life and didn't need the cash/jewellery. It was the wrong assumption but there you go.

Where is this coming from?