To keep distance from co worker?

[kcchiefette]

Hey all

We got a new work colleague about 6/7 weeks ago now. The first day I met her, she seemed like one of those energy draining people and I didn't get the best impression. She seemed nice enough though, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

People seem to gravitate towards me because I am quite friendly and chatty and empathetic.

Anyhow, her second day of working she confides to me she has a long term illness she hasn't disclosed but wanted somebody to know. Fair enough.

She's struggling with her work and uses me to vent to. Its every day now and everything is so negative.

Yesterday, I arrived to office and it was me, her, another employee and our boss. Before I arrived she had got told off by the boss for not being in office 2x a week and she had cried and told him it was her illness etc. As soon as I was in, before I even knew about this she rushes up to me saying "I need to talk to you" whilst the boss is rolling his eyes.

Later that day, boss has her in a room so they can go through her project for about an hour. She leaves the room again in tears, boss storms out the office and she continues to tell.me she feels overwhelmed and he is expecting too much from her.

I get on with everyone in my office, including my boss. He can be quite direct and isnt a "people person" but I am.quote adaptable with others so it hasn't been an issue. She has said he always seems to be in a bad mood but I cant agree as he has been absolutely fine with me.

AIBU to keep my distance?

I dont mean not speak to her again, but to try and reduce time spent chatting to her?

She isnt making a good impression, she drains my energy with the drama and I dont want "work gossip" that I am a part of any of it.

I have good working relationships now with all my colleagues and I dont want it to suffer.

She sounds like a drainer. I would try to keep your distance if only to protect your sanity.

Trust your instinct and peter her out a bit.

I think I will be. I left work yesterday incredibly drained and it was very tense and awkward in the office.

I think I will be going in the days when I know more people will be in. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that this week.

She sounds like she has some issues, and if genuinely her illness then that needs discussing and managing with her boss. Your boss also sounds hard work, you can't manage people and not be a "people person", that's ridiculous.

Oh I agree. We are a small business so he's the founder and CEO as well and manages all the senior managers. He isnt my direct report but he is going to be soon.

I get on fine with him, as I know how to take him, unfortunately others do not and seem to get "wound up" with him.

I just dont want to be used as HR when I am not HR 😂

I get what you're saying, and I get along with people like this as I have a lot of patience. But really, the likes of me and you shouldn't excuse this behaviour really.

Is she likely to pass her probation?

I dont know, I dont speak to others really about others progress

Try telling her "you're sorry, but have some urgent work to attend to, perhaps she could try HR."
Doing this a few times will help put distance between you both.

Yeah my role is quite busy so it wouldnt even be a lie! Lol

She does sound draining and hard work.

But I have to say you don't sound 'friendly and empathetic' as you claim. You've been really very critical of her, despite knowing she is struggling with health issues.

Be firm with her in a calm moment. “I would prefer to keep my work time professional. Please don’t include me in your private issues with boss or others. I need to stay focused on work.”

I havent said to her or judged her for health condition. In fact, I agree with her more so than him on the staying at home if she is unwell. I told her when she told.me that it shouldn't be an issue if she lets her manager/HR know (not specifics but a general note) but it isnt my fault of she hasn't reached out to tell them. Thats up to her.

Ive spent many a conversation listening and giving support to her over the last 6 weeks on her condition and being an ear to listen.

I have health conditions myself so I can relate

She doesn’t sound right for the role, so the likelihood is, she won’t be there very long.

She is already telling me she wants to leave so you are probably right.

Its just uncomfortable being the receiving end of all this negativity daily. Especially when I dont work in her team and dont have anything to do with her work etc

I'd likely try go in on different days from her. If she does end up working the same days just say sorry I'm so busy, you should speak to HR they are the best place to go with a situation like yours. Just rinse and repeat every time.

One does tend to get a bit critical after being used repeatedly as a vent container by a needy draining person one has only just met who does not recognise normal social and working roles and has mistaken one for a personal, on-call, unpaid cheerleader and therapist, with no needs or self of one's own.

Yeah you're doing the right thing. Keep pointing her in HRs direction

OP doesn’t have to be this woman’s toxic dump.

At the end of the day, I am not her manager or HR or even on the same team. I can listen and empathise with what she is saying but confidentiality means I cant exactly go telling others what she has if she doesnt consent.

She's in her 30s, older than me and can do this herself if its what she wants.

I sympathise as whenever you're new it can be a LOT. I will always be there for colleagues who want to have a chat or vent and believe me it happens from time to time. I need it sometimes too if I am having a bad day 😂

I had years of this - it never improves.

You just need to grey rock, don't react to their drama or illnesses, I mastered the art of 'hm' to everything they said, it took a while but they got the picture I wasn't interested.

If she says anything to you I think you need to be direct but polite.

Could you speak to your line manager about this?if she's not your direct report you shouldn't have to manage this.

I'd say "I'm aware this isn't improving I think you need to speak to hr or your manager about this"

I'd probably go and see the boss when she isn't there and ask what the chuff he was planning to do as she seems unstable and he needs to get rid of her ASAP, as she can't do the job.

I worked with a colleague like this. She would continuously ask me 'What's wrong?' when I was just trying to get on with my work.

'Why are you so quiet?' - 'I'm working!'
'Just tell me, what's wrong?' and so on.

I had to distance myself to keep the relationship professional. I also tried to avoid being in the office at the same time. I even applied for a new role within the company at a different location to avoid her and she would still ring me and try to keep me on the phone. I really did just want to get on with my work but in the end I left.

Managers were gutted as they really valued me but said they couldn't do anything about her despite complaints from other colleagues too. She still works there and will never leave as she doesn't have the confidence.

I dont know what happened as I wasnt obviously there, so I am only hearing her side (which I take with a pinch of salt)

Apparently he did apologise to her if he was being too abrupt or assumptive.

Boss is quite a confidential person so I dont think he would divulge anything to me anyhow. He isnt a people person in the sense thats hes chatty. But it takes a while to get used to his character. He is actually quite kind and generous once you are able to take him the right way.

I have found the best way to communicate with him is to be direct, much like he is. Ive given her this advice several times.

Its just getting to the point where I dont really want to be associated with people at work with constant drama