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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shouting and swearing at dcs

42 replies

Jennybeans401 · 17/05/2024 05:13

AIBU to consider it abusive to shout snd swear at your dcs?

Dd's friend is a quiet, nice girl and I have spoken to her mum a few times.She says she's not 'into' gentle parenting and I've seen her shout at her dcs (loud and imo unfairly). There have been other times where she's really lost her temper over small things (grabbed her dd by the arm and pulled her).The mum admitted she's shouted in the girl's face before now.

Yesterday we were talking about the homework and I said dd had found it quite hard.The mum said she'd asked her dd to do it and she couldn't and her dd complained it was too hard.The mum said she'd shouted to her child 'Just f* off' and walked out the room.

I find it very upsetting, wwyd?

OP posts:
Roundroundthegarden · 17/05/2024 05:42

Yanbu it's abusive and you should do something. Maybe let the school know? She's openly doing it in front of other people, imagine what she does at home. Also if she gets away with doing it in front of other adults who do nothing, then it will only encourage her to carry on.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 17/05/2024 05:46

She first came across as very charming and I was quite shocked at how harsh she is with her dcs.I don't know if the school would say much.

Her behaviour is controlling from what I've seen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 17/05/2024 05:55

I also wonder if its worse behind closed doors.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 17/05/2024 06:10

Well that's not the way to speak in or out the house but if that's what she's like around people I guess it's worse at home. Feel sorry for the children

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 17/05/2024 06:10

Honestly I would mention it to the school, but I don't think anything would be done about it. However safegaurding is everyones responsibility and it could be the missing piece of the puzzle.

Everyone loses their rag sometimes with their kids, but if this is happening disproportionately and regularly I feel very sad for her child 😢

Temushopper · 17/05/2024 07:05

Telling you without any sign she felt she’d done anything wrong that she told her child to F off feels worrying. If that’s what she’s happy to share and feels is absolutely fine as her parenting base then what does she feel is excusable when she’s at the end of her tether? For most people yelling in the face of your child or swearing at them is something that you’d feel bad about regardless of the kids having been very badly behaved/provoking. I think lots of people do lose their temper and yell in a way that’s scary but anyone I know who did and was sharing that afterward with another parent then it would be in the context that they’d apologised afterwards and they felt ashamed of that behaviour.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 17/05/2024 07:55

She seemed quite proud of her approach, I really couldn't understand that. I've lost my temper before but not to the same extent. I would feel terrible about swearing at my child.

She's also got some unusual opinions like her conspiracy theories..it's all strange

OP posts:
earther · 17/05/2024 10:58

Why dont you fizzle out from her.

PippyLongTits · 17/05/2024 11:06

I have lost my temper and shouted before (more times than I should), but it is the "how many times do I have to say..." type of exasperation rather than "fuck you" anger. I have never and would never swear at my children. I wouldn't speak to anyone like that.

Littleslowloris · 21/05/2024 09:07

I would absolutely mention this to the school. Even if they can’t do anything about this incident directly, they can make sure the child has a trusted person at school to talk to. Then any disclosures made at school would be logged via their safeguarding procedures.
Please don’t leave the child to cope with this on their own.

Maray1967 · 21/05/2024 09:25

PippyLongTits · 17/05/2024 11:06

I have lost my temper and shouted before (more times than I should), but it is the "how many times do I have to say..." type of exasperation rather than "fuck you" anger. I have never and would never swear at my children. I wouldn't speak to anyone like that.

Yes, this.

I have never sworn at my DC. The worst has been ‘for God’s sake, take your muddy trainers off in the porch’ … type of thing, or ‘don’t you dare talk to me like that’.

I feel very sorry for kids whose parents swear at them.

To be honest , I’d have to say something to her, like -Seriously? You’re not going to have many parents willing to let their DC go to yours if you swear in the house.’

It would be interesting to know how she’d respond. Between my two DSs we know quite a lot of families and I’m not aware of a single one where the parents swear at their DC.

Maray1967 · 21/05/2024 09:26

And yes, I would mention it to school staff.

FreeRider · 21/05/2024 10:15

It was a bit of a joke between myself and my two brothers once we entered our teens about how our mother never ever swore. As young children 'bloody' was considered beyond the pale, and anything stronger than that...God help us!

I'm 55 now and absolutely hate how it seems so common for parents to swear their heads off in front of children....just last night I could hear my neighbour talking to his granddaughter and every other word was 'fuck'. She's about 11...

I would be tempted to say something to the school.

SallyWD · 21/05/2024 10:23

It's horrible parenting. Sadly there are many parents like this and worse. It makes me so sad.

HcbSS · 21/05/2024 11:06

I don't do gentle, child-led parenting neither, but shouting is not on, and swearing definitely isn't. I don't approve of swearing anyway, and even less in front of a child.
Yes, please report.

AuntMarch · 21/05/2024 11:54

I'd tell school, it could be part of a much bigger picture.

Yawnfest79 · 21/05/2024 12:40

I can see this from both sides, although if kids are quiet perhaps suggests is worse behind closed doors.

im ashamed to admit I’ve been like this with my kids in the past and am sure will be in the future, it’s not nice, I don’t like myself for it but occasionally I’m pushed beyond the brink and it comes out. I’m not mentally in a great place myself and have no “village” or support really. I do make a point of apologising if it happens. It’s not often. You don’t know each day what’s going on for the other mum is my point there. My kids aren’t ever quiet 😂 of course this child could just be quiet or it could be they’ve been beaten down to it..

im not much into gentle parenting either way though, although I don’t think I’m unfair - I just think some parents have taken “gentle” parenting too far and as such cause problems for others by being ridiculously gentle - as in if your child won’t get into the car after a extra curricular class and there is an entire roads worth of other cars waiting to park for the following class, you need to just lift your child into the car and strap them in etc, not faff about gentle coaxing them causing everyone else’s day to be late.

KnitFastDieWarm · 21/05/2024 12:40

You need to report it to the school. All parents raise their voice from time to time, but it is complete unacceptable to shout at anyone, of any age, to fuck off. It’s emotional abuse.

Yawnfest79 · 21/05/2024 12:42

Oh, and the head teacher who by the sounds of it is very much into contacting social services, has witnessed my shouting and almost dragging my eldest into school, after he had run away from the school gates (messing around, he loves school) running towards a main road - he knows damn well not to do that and we’ve had many a “gentle” conversation about it and as to why not etc in the past - headteach didn’t say a thing… so I’m ok with how I’m parenting before anyone comments that! Gentle parenting the way some people seem to be doing it doesn’t work, it’s just raising a bunch of brats who are going to be entitled tossers when they’re older!

Yawnfest79 · 21/05/2024 12:45

Ohhh but the homework thing is a bit off… was child trying or just completely messing about? If not even trying I understand the stress, if trying and struggling then I’d sit down and help..

Singleandproud · 21/05/2024 12:49

Shouting and swearing regularly at children falls under emotional neglect.

Send an email to the school with "Confidential/ Sensitive FAO Safeguarding team" in the title and it won't be opened until passed on.
Write down factually exactly what happened and your concerns. Nothing will happen with it but it will be put on their safeguarding software as a "Notice of Concern". If there are other concerns around these children then it will go towards the bigger picture, if school needs to take further action.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

There is a huge middle ground between gentle parenting and abuse, and regularly shouting, swearing and manhandling your child are not it.

Jumpingoffthefence · 21/05/2024 13:09

I can hear how much this is weighing on you. Such a disturbing situation. Absolutely you should report to the designated safeguarding lead at school. As a minimum they will keep a record on a system that will build a picture. The mum telling you this indicates that she wants you to know and be complicit in silence. Do not give her that, she is an adult who is harming her children. The children have a right to grow up free from abuse.

If you’re not sure or you want to chat through impartially talk to the NSPCC helpline. They can even refer anonymously on your behalf.

0808 800 5000.

Desenia86 · 21/05/2024 13:19

Jennybeans401 · 17/05/2024 05:55

I also wonder if its worse behind closed doors.

It 100% is . This person sounds unstable , paranoid ( huge mental health issue red flag the whole conspiracy theories ) and what you described is verbal violence . Child abuse . Those children need help
right now . I was a victim of verbal and physical violence , my father was the violent one my mother was a narcisist I don’t even care if im
projecting … “ so sorry for the children “ won’t do … someone needs to take action . If you are one of the lucky ones who doesn’t know what it does to your souls to grow up with an abusive parent let me tell you in few words : it breaks you .

TheCoralDog · 21/05/2024 13:52

She sounds a totally mad tbh. And really not a nice mum. But no, I don’t think you can say anything. You can’t really report shouting and expect to be taken particularly seriously.
As for the swearing.. I have to say, i
don’t think it’s a biggie. Swearing is a part of everyday language now tbh, in a way it wasn’t in the past. People of our generation generally swear alot, and for many its lost its aggressive nature. You only need to look at mumsnet to see the sheer amount of fucks everywhere! I don’t know anyone that says “for gods sake” instead of “for fucks sake”. I mean telling your child to fuck off is awful, in the same way that if they asked you for help with homework and you said “no just leave me alone” in a horrible way. But the words alone are not that bad. By the time they’re 12 they’ll be using them all whether you know about it or not!

Elleherd · 21/05/2024 14:00

I'm not a proponent of 'gentle parenting' because what I see of it here, it's more like not taking responsibility or parenting, while virtue signaling, but I recognize that isn't what it is meant to be.

I can be quite sweary tbh, but not in front of children, (other than a couple of accidental loose epithets when seriously hurting myself) because intentionally debasing their world, isn't something I want. Once their adult tbh it's whatever it is within reason.

Lots of pretty rough parents here, and lots of very stressed ones too. Big difference between a stressed parent losing it and shouting, including using a couple of swear words - not great but sadly can be part and parcel of life. Those parents are usually either ashamed of it, or try to justify it, which is because they know it's wrong and are embarrassed.

Then there are the ones who are proud of their confrontational giv no f*cks attitude and behavior with their Dc's. Their Dc's really don't stand much chance unless some sort of intervention happens.

If this is exactly what this mother has told you perfectly happily, that she's done, then it's a heads up to the school, before it starts happening in front of you and your DD, if it hasn't already with your DD.

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