Shouting and swearing at dcs

[Jennybeans401]

AIBU to consider it abusive to shout snd swear at your dcs?

Dd's friend is a quiet, nice girl and I have spoken to her mum a few times.She says she's not 'into' gentle parenting and I've seen her shout at her dcs (loud and imo unfairly). There have been other times where she's really lost her temper over small things (grabbed her dd by the arm and pulled her).The mum admitted she's shouted in the girl's face before now.

Yesterday we were talking about the homework and I said dd had found it quite hard.The mum said she'd asked her dd to do it and she couldn't and her dd complained it was too hard.The mum said she'd shouted to her child 'Just f* off' and walked out the room.

I find it very upsetting, wwyd?

yes its abuse, i could never swear angrily at my children, they hear me swear but its more like "oh shit" "ahh fuck" types at things that go wrong and rarely, never in anger. My anger is usually just Grunts and sighs

It sounds like she has a very low bar for what she considers to be adequate parenting - the fact she shares this with you (not in a 'how can I stop doing this' way) but in a matter of fact, this is how I parent way.. suggests she sees similar behaviour, either from her peers, or her wider family, and therefore thinks this is 'normal'. And it was probably how she was parented too.

I do see a lot more parents shouting and getting really stressed with their kids over small things in this country compared to when we lived overseas. I honestly don't really witness a whole lot of 'gentle' parenting here, that so many posters love to hate. It tends to be much more the other way round.

So sad that she told her child to f off when she was struggling with the homework.

well i don't think swearing is abusive in its own no. many families use swear words in normal conversation. i swear infront if my teenagers - usually when driving 😝Normal words can be just as intimidating depending on what you say.

@hangingonfordearlife1 but OP isn't talking about conversational swearing. There a difference between swearing Infront of children and swearing at them. she's talking about the other mum regularly shouting and swearing at her child coupled with aggressive acts/body language which is abusive - it comes under the category of emotional neglect

That's a bit different to calling the driver that just cut you up a tosser or similar.

I completely agree with this approach.

The mum said she'd asked her dd to do it and she couldn't and her dd complained it was too hard.The mum said she'd shouted to her child 'Just f* off' and walked out the room.

This bit stood out me the most. I have lost my temper with the kids when they’ve pushed me to the brink and sworn, not like ‘fuck off’ but ‘ffs how many times.’ I know it isn’t great parenting & I always apologies and it isn’t often. But to tell your child to fuck off because they find their homework hard? That isn’t them being naughty is it? I can’t ever imagine feeling anything but empathy for my child struggling with homework.

I would imagine given how emboldened ate feels to discuss this with you that she has absolutely no idea how damaging her behaviour is. I have shouted at my son many times but usually when I’m absolutely at the end of my rope with his behaviour and certainly not shouting in his face etc. Seems like this child is unlikely to be anywhere near provocative and the mother has a temper issue.

personally I’d inform either the school or social services. There might be a record that you don’t know about. You can do this anonymously if you have genuine concern for a child’s welfare. This is emotional abuse.

also make sure the child knows you are a safe person and that she can come to you if she’s upset about anything.

Exactly this. Even if you’d lost your temper you’d not be boasting about it and making a joke of it. You’d feel awful and would be repairing that with the child

OP I reported my neighbour for repeated shouting and swearing at her children. It started when the youngest was a baby and continued when she had her second baby. The father would also scream and shout. They would stamp their feet up the stairs to intimidate them, slam doors etc. it was vile. It came to a head when I heard the eldest ask her mother 'why don't you love me mummy?' I was on maternity leave and it was too much, I had to leave the house and phone children's services there and then. I also told the health visitor. We have since moved but there were multiple occasions where it sounded like she was about to lose control and I wanted to phone the police.

It was five years of constant adrenaline rushes hearing the confrontation through the wall of my home and I can only imagine what it was like for those poor kids.

The eldest asking her mum why she didn't love her just cemented for me the fact that they were being psychologically abused.

I would always report as it's better to be safe than sorry.

That's utterly heartbreaking.

It's the swearing I have an issue with. I don't think shouting at your kids is that bad for disciplining. I also don't think it's bad to be in control of your children. It seems that she's a bit unhinged to have a go based on misunderstanding homework.

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton I never really get this attitude, you would not accept a teacher who has to control 30 children to regularly shout at children,or a sports coach or anyone else that takes care of them. If any of those adults shouted at them you'd put in a complaint to the relevant body, why does a parent get to shout at a child and it's ok?

And no, we are not talking about increased volume to call across the house so they can hear you, or a shout to warn of danger near a road. But in your face shouting of someone much bigger than the child which is intimidating and scary especially from the person who is meant to love you and make you feel safe. An adult wouldnt (shouldn't) accept being shouted at in a relationship or at work, it's not ok.

Shouting at children to discipline them just means you've lost control of the situation. You are the adult, and the adult needs to model better ways of dealing with the situation rather than escalating their own behaviour.

I didn't say "regularly" shouting at children is acceptable but that shouting when you've reached a point of extreme anger should not be villanised. Plenty of teachers shout at children. I've worked in many schools where the shouters are the most respected by the students. Those teachers can get things taught. The nice teachers who use warnings and the gentle approach are often walked all over. Kids need boundaries, otherwise they are out of control

To my shame I have shouted, a lot, at my dd. We were in desperate need of help and support, we regularly endured kicks, punches, split lips, scratches from her just trying to get her dressed and out of the house. Previously, I'd always considered myself a good parent as I never so much as raised my voice when ds was her age. I was never driven that far. Turns out dd is neurodovergent and highly anxious. I never shouted at her thinking that it was an effective behaviour management strategy, it was borne out of exasperation and anger when I was at my lowest (in my life). I am deeply ashamed of it, and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't regret it. There is no help for families like ours, with undiagnosed neurodivergence. I suspect that there are thousands of families who have been in our position (try seatbelt refusal when you have to get to work for getting your blood boiling) and are just too ashamed to admit it.

We educated ourselves (there is no 999 for mental health) and began to understand that she was not naughty, she desperately needed our help, and we were failing her. Over the past few years I have become much more adept at managing her extremes kindly, calmly, from a position of understanding and love. We managed to get some mental health one to one support following a period of complete school refusal (or avoidance, which is now common parlance) and slowly, slowly we have turned things around. There are days when I still have to count to ten, or remove myself from the situation, but I would die for our little girl in a heartbeat and I am now a much better parent to her.

I'm not saying this is the case with your friend, op. My reactions, whatever prompted them, at my lowest points, were deeply damaging. You might actually be doing her a favour if you do report it. If it's bad parenting, then she might be corrected. If there's more going on, then you'll have given that little girl a chance in life.

I'm sitting here in tears writing this, at the thought of what could have happened.

We can all lose our temper sometimes, none of us are perfect mums. However, if someone is behaving like this all the time towards their child, then this is abuse. If you feel this is how she generally treats her child/children, then I would have a word with the teacher/head to make them aware.

That's usually me too. I don't swear at my son, but he has overheard me swearing to myself when I'm angry at something, like I've dropped something and made a mess or whatever else has gone wrong. It's usually when I'm building up to my period. I get PMDD badly. I just lose it with things, have no patience or focus amongst other horrible symptoms. My poor child has to witness my mood swings sometimes, but he just laughs now and tells me to calm down. I should try to do better in front of him, but it's like the PMDD just takes control. I don't think I've ever swore at my child. I think I've called him a brat a couple of times, but that's about it. Sometimes if I need to have a jolly good swear, I go away from him and do it quietly to myself like a mad woman 😆. I have gone into a room before now and called him names to myself in frustration when he's been really bad, but would never say anything directly to him and hurt his feelings.

YANBU.

I'm not a big fan of "gentle parenting" either but the alternative is not shouting and swearing at your children, I do not do that.