Is this destructive or normal behaviour?

[TheGoodPlace24]

My 9 year old daughter I feel is very destructive. I’m very upset right now and obviously can’t discuss or impose any sanctions as she’s asleep in bed. I put kids to sleep and thought I’d crack on with the ironing and found the brand new starch spray bottle was completely empty! I know she’s done it as when I was with youngest downstairs I heard a spray sound and assumed she sprayed the air freshener in toilet, didn’t hear the whole bottle sprayed as she must have gone in a different room to do. In the hallway upstairs I can feel the carpet is wet.

Just this afternoon when I was cleaning the kitchen I found sugar sprinkled in the cupboard. I questioned her when she got back from school and she denied it. I didn’t pursue this anymore as we were running late for swimming and I forgot when we got home. I have now hidden sugar away as I have noticed sugar sprinkles on the counter too lots of times and only recently connected it to her. I just feel so upset that she felt the need to sprinkle it in the cupboard. We had lots of ants recently and now I know the reason!

the above is just 2 things from today.

other things in the past which I posted about under a different username were throwing a whole bottle of baby oil on all the walls in the house (to this day the baby oil has not come out and looks awful but I’ve kind of gotten used to it so doesn’t bother me do much). Also filling my work shoes with water then denying it completely.

I feel so lost. Could I please have sone support and guidance from mums who have been through this themselves or just want to give me some insight on why she is like this.

Agree with this - it sounds sensory to me. DS has ASD and ADHD and when he was small he was always experimenting with those sort of things. He would turn on taps and leave them running, squeeze moisturiser out all over my bedroom carpet, take eggs from the fridge and break them on the floor, etc.

I'm not suggesting your DD has SEN necessarily but it is possible to have sensory issues / sensitivities (well we all do to some extent) so maybe she is just literally exploring her world and playing with stuff?

But doing this aged 9, and then lying - is slightly more concerning. DS was behaving like that pre school mostly. Can you speak to a GP or a paediatrician? (I know appointments are like gold dust in much of the country).

Maybe buy her some sensory toys - slime, wiggly bracelets, squidgy things - and also let her play with easy stuff like dry pasta?

Sorry - HRTFT so I expect this has all been said. You really need to address it though, she can't carry on trashing your house......

It’s a funny one isn’t it? I remember popping the middle out of all my mum’s records because it felt nice. Didn’t figure it was wrong. I just got caught up in doing it. Can’t believe I did that now. Testing cause and effect maybe. Although she’ll soon learn cause and effect when her iPad goes! Little monkey.

Listen, any time anyone reports any kind of negative or destructive behavioural thing, there are going to be eleventy million cries of ASD or other NT behaviour. It may end up being the case, but even if it’s not, you have to know that this needs to be assessed by professionals. Start with school and GP. Ask for referrals. YOU are the expert on your kid. (Not random internet strangers, no matter how well-meaning. They are the experts on THEIR kids.) Obviously you’re at a loss to explain this behaviour and you need assistance. Please don’t get freaked out or jump to conclusions until you have spoken to qualified people who have met and assessed your kid.

I think she was probably just experimenting and didn’t do it to intentionally upset you.
When I was little I wrote on the walls and emptied a whole cup of water in to the plant pot and ruined it. I couldn’t understand why my mum was so angry because I didn’t do it to purposely upset her.

They sound like ASD/ADHD in girls. The denial suggests she is embarrassed about it. She could be fascinated by the starch spray or love playing with sugar (ASD) or have poor impulse control (ADHD). This is really simplified but if it is you'll probably need to consider support at school by secondary level.

I don’t even own spray starch 😆
I’d definitely get her to clean things up by herself for that sort of behaviour.
there are also consequences for wasting the sugar eg you can’t do any baking as you have run out of sugar or don’t have quite enough for that cake / cookies you had planned to make .
I have 3 children and one is SEN , autism and learning disabilities

You've described me 20 years ago. I have severe ADHD, I was the naughty child who did things like this.
I eventually denied absolutely everything cause I knew I'd be in trouble anyway. Always had a lot of impulse and intrusive thoughts and there wasn't that little voice in my head to say actually no don't do that. I'd do the action and then completely panic and deny it.
She's probably very very confused and doesn't understand what she's doing. I still struggle now!

It doesn't sound destructive to me. It sounds impulsive and experimental, without an understanding of consequences.

this 100%.

I love the posterwho suggested getting her sensory activities, spray bottle, painting fence with water etc.

She is old for this level of lack of impusle control, it is normally a pre-school thing (and I had 3 who at different times did stuff like this aged 3/4).
It could indicate ADHD etc, or it could be that she is just a bit slower developing that part of her brain.

I would not be punishing, but a combination of talking and helping you to clean up. She makes the mess, she helps clean the mess.

get her some sensory activities.

I think first step is explain why it is wrong. My kids emptied entire bottle of expensive shampoo, covered living floor with talcum powder, drawn on the walls, etc. They were playing . I am 100% sure they were not trying to be destructive. So, I'd talk to her first. Also, is she lonely? Left alone for a long time? Kids do weird things but most of it is not malicious. I wouldn't punish her specially the day after. It won't register much. Maybe making her clean would be a better option imo.

My first thought is she's looking for your attention.
Perhaps she wants more time 1-1 with you.

This feels like a formative time in your relationship/behaviour management. Is there a counsellor at her school who you could talk to and perhaps meet with together to try and unravel the behaviour?

I feel a bit sad reading all these posts. Your daughter is 9 & she’s doing this to get attention… she’s just going about it the wrong way. Try & spend lots more 121 time with her if you can… half an hour every other day just hanging with her playing her games. Talk to her about the destructive mess & any punishment should only be to clear it up… not things like withholding iPads (although less iPad time & more mummy & daughter time would probably help too.)
These are attention seeking behaviours, give her your love (I’m sure you already do) and your TIME… put spending time together on a pedestal. Her rewards for good behaviour doesn’t need to be treats, it is just the opportunity to spend time with you building a relationship.
Im sure you have a busy life, it’s not easy but it is essential. Good luck!

She sounds like a scientist!

Sounds like sensory seeking behaviour and impulsive thoughts. I had a child who does things like this, it's due to Sensory processing disorder

What helps is lots of opportunities for sensory stimulation and getting them to help with the clear up. Taking an iPad for a whole weekend seems a very severe sanction to me, especially if it's a behaviour which she is struggling to manage what she really needs is support to manage these impulses, not unrelated sanctions

Sounds very ADHD/neurodivergent to me
I dont get the impression she is doing it vindictively, more out of curiosity or for the sensations.
I am ADHD (but not diagnosed until iw in my 50s, but looking back with the info i have now its very much the kind of thing I would have done

If it were a boy we would probably be saying 'oh, its waht naughty boys do', and the type we are thinking of is exactly ADHD

I would look at ways you can support her through her intrusive thoughts and actions and see what support, literature etc is out there

Good luck! Neurodivergents are amazing people!!

This is the oddest post ever. Of course she cleans a lot - her DD is emptying god knows what all over the house so she has a lot to clean!!

And who owns starch spray? What a question. I'm not much of a house proud individual and even I have it. Because it makes ironing, which is bloody boring, about 5 times quicker.

OP not sure what to suggest, other than try to get her to open up in a non accusatory way. It's unusual behaviour...maybe try to get her involved in the natural consequences, e.g., we'll both have to clean up the ants, etc.

Just reminded me that I did this when I was younger, in about 3 places, with permanent marker, and on nice wood furniture too!! Kids eh.

This. I use starch spray lol 🙄

Yes, sounds like normal kid’s behaviour. The child needs to be told off etc but no need for health dramas. 🙄