Am I being stubborn to not ask my parents

[Chillpill22]

Hi all

I am in a bit of a predicament and need some different perspectives. I have had to hand in notice to my landlord recently as he is planning to put up my rent by £350. Since I moved in 4 years ago the rent will have gone up by £550 this is despite him not doing any significant work that would increase the value of the house (literally the same as when I moved in). Anyway looking around my area I have been really disheartened at the state of the properties available for rent. Much less space then what I had for much more than what I was paying. I refuse to pay the type of money some landlords are requesting for the type of property they are offering so I have been looking further afield where the quality of housing and space is much better for a more reasonable price.

Anyway the problem with that is I am not planning to move jobs or my kids schools so it would increase my commute. My commute is looking like it will be in total about 1 hour 40 minutes though broken up with drop offs. My sister and friends are telling me that it is too far and that i won't be able to sustain that commute but my commute is already about 45 minutes to 1 hour so I feel it depends on your appetite for driving.

Instead what my sister and friend are suggesting is that I ask my parents to move in with them with my kids and save money for about a year so that I can afford to buy my own house on one of the 5% deposited shared ownership type schemes. My parents live in a convenient location that would make it easy for me to get to work and kids schools. However my brother still lives at home and although he has plans to move out its unclear when this will be. There are 4 bedrooms and my parents each have their own room so I would have to share with someone either my kids or mum. I am not the easiest person to live with as I like my space (i moved out when i was 24) and am a bit territorial so would struggle to share space with my family especially as parents can be hoarders so tend to not have alot if available space. Also collectively there is the stuff of my other siblings in the house which would reduce my space. Mum likes socialising and has people in and out of the house most days. Plus I'm not even sure they would want me there as there has been conflict between me and siblings in the past. Plus both my parents can be difficult and though it's easy to get along with them when I am not living with them I'm afraid the proximity will be traumatising for me, my kids and them. Or it could be a good thing?

Anyway despite all of that I am being told that I am being stubborn not to ask my parents and I am making my own life difficult. That I should just put up with it for a year so that I can save enough and stop paying so much in rent. So basically am I being unreasonable to not want to move back with my parents even for a year (I'm late 30s)? Should I just pay higher rent where I live for less space or is what I am planning to do moving further away and commuting in a good idea. Let me know your thoughts.

Why not stay put in your current place if your investigations are showing you that actually your landlord is charging you below market rate (which is the implication if your searches are showing you that the only things available cost more for less)?

Personally I would not do a 1 hour 40 minute commute.

No I would not move in with your parents for this reason.

The commute sounds fine to me, I think I'm just pretty used to doing alot of driving, the idea of working on your doorstep is alien to me.

Sounds like your landlord is fair to be upping your rent if he's offering the best property for the least money though.

Ask them for the 5% deposit too. A loan from them possibly?

I wouldn't be moving back in with my parents.

That's a long commute though.

No I disagree about my landlord. I currently live in a 3 bed house but the prices of those in my area have gone up. I am looking at 2 bed flats now and I'm just really reluctant as I want to get the kids their own room and don't feel like moving in to a flat again. He is not being reasonable because there is a serious issue with damp in my property which he has refused to seriously deal with. Multiple builders who have come tk the property in the past have told him about this but he wants to do the bare minimum ans charge maximum. Now that he is looking for a new tenant he wants to paint over the damage before he does viewings. However as someone who has asthma which has worsened since I have been living in this house I know that is going to cause a problem for people with respiratory diseases. I had to move and the rent thing gave me a kick up the backside but I hate to reward greedy landlords by paying alot for something that I don't feel is worth it. The properties I have seen are the same as what I am paying now but 1 less room and a flat.

Commute sounds awful to me but then I would hate 45 minds to 1hr as well. My kids wouldn't cope with that commuting/time they would need to be up and out the house either (they sleep a lot!) but obviously yours might be totally different. I wouldn't want to live with my parents though either so I appreciate you don't have great options. I am a landlord and haven't raised rent in 4 years and am probably about £350 under market rent and mortgages have gone up a lot plus the tax regime so can understand why landlord might feel they need to increase - if you like property and landlord is generally decent could you negotiate and see if you could compromise on the rent rise?

Ask your parents to loan you the 5% deposit?
You can put a touring caravan on a domestic drive and live in it without planning permission. Do your parents have a drive? You could all sleep in it during the summer/autumn and then sleep in their house during the winter. It would be worth trying to buy a house. Could your parents loan you half the deposit and you stay there less time?

Just seen your update and changed my mind given landlord is not doing essential repairs

An hour and forty minutes commute with children is a killer. I’ve done similar and it’s not sustainable.

I think the commute sounds awful.
I couldn't move back in with my parents.
Would they even be happy to have you all living there ?
I think it's really cheeky to expect to share your mum's room.

How much is the additional petrol and car wear and tear going to cost you?

How old are the children? At secondary already or do you need to factor in being in catchment?

Have you looked at a radius to see if, strange as it seems, moving a different direction actually gives more choice and an easier commute?

It doesn't sound like either your commute or staying with your parents is sustainable, for you or the children. I think you need to look for a new job and school in the new area

My son is in a great school right now and I don't want to move him. By train the commute to his school would be 56 minutes and when he is a bit older I might show him how to get there by train. The commute is long but I am used to long commutes. I used to live in Berkshire and commute in to South London for work. This is a lot more straightforward. But the worry is that I will move that far and my rent will start creeping up again and force me to move again. Buying a flat in a year or 2 years time is a way to get around that. I will be 40 in 2 years so I would prefer to not be renting then. But I feel very perturbed at the thought of moving in with parents. I can deal with my dad as he has a very regular routine and is easy to manage but my mum is highly sensitive and a lot passive aggressive. I can imagine her being mad at me about some perceived wrong I've done and giving me the silent treatment or bitching about me to my sisters. I really don't know what to do.

Surely 500
Extra is worth it to avoid the petrol and your kids living so far from their school friends and community? Sadly the landlords mortgage will have gone way up and the government now over taxes landlords so they have to pass on a lot of the costs. Have you checked if you could get any universal credit to help pay it?

I think you are right not to move in with your parents, given your personality and their hoarding and chaotic household, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

But I do think you may need a different plan. Are you really moving because of the condition of the house, or because of the rent going up (which you mentioned first)? If the latter, I would suck up the rent increase while your son is at school. I don't think the commute you are proposing will work, and it doesn't sound as if you can afford the area you are in longer term.

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately i cant afford the rent increase at all. To give you the cost in real terms when I first moved in I was paying £1350 for a 3 bedroom house with garden. It steadily increased in the 4 years I have been here to £1500 but now landlord wants to put it up to £1850. I wouldn't even pass the referencing for that. The other properties I have seen in my area are £1500 for a 2 bed flat but I just keep feeling really disappointed at how small the bedrooms are and moving back in to a flat from living in a house. Moving out of my area would enable me to move to a better house then the one I currently live in (no damp, bigger garden, garage, quiet area) for a lower price then what I'm currently paying. I think seeing what I could have if I moved an hours drive away has made me so dissatisfied with accepting the more expensive rents in my area. But at the same time I don't want to rent forever so potentially living with parents for a year or 2 could help me save and not be subject to the whims of landlords and the volatile housing economy. I could give up on having my own room till my brother moves out and just sleep in the living room or in my kids room but it would just make me feel like such a failure. I don't know what to do.

If it's the only way to get on the housing ladder, I think you should seriously consider moving in with your parents to let you save a deposit.

Otherwise you may be renting for the rest of your life...

There are now 100% mortgages available, and also mortgages for good private tenants that cost around the same as the rent, you have to be a good tenant with no arrears etc. I can't remember who's doing these schemes, might be Halifax, but worth looking into, have a look in to these schemes, and also speak to a mortgage broker to see what schemes/ deals are around. you may be able to buy sooner than you think.

Moving in with your parents isn't fair to them. It sounds like you'll be crowded and having two small kids added to a household that is not used to having children is going to cause difficulties.

You've listed plenty of reasons why you wouldn't be happy living with your parents but I'm not sure that you've considered how they might feel about having to rearrange their lives to accommodate you and your children.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but moving in with your parents is most certainly not the answer. Good luck!

Your parent’s living situation does not sound at all suitable. Sharing a room with your Mum???

A commute of 1 hour and 45 minutes just sounds absurd to me.

I would ring the landlord and have a frank chat with him. I would say ‘look it’s a pain for both of us if I move out, you have to have viewings, take references blah blah blah and I don’t particularly want to move. Could we come to some agreement? If you fix the damp, I can pay an extra £225 a month? See what he says. It’s worth a try, you openly admitted that there are worse properties for more money, so maybe it’s worth paying the increase until you can find a better alternative.

I don't think you'll cope with moving in with your parents.

Surely moving away will cost you as much in petrol each month as the rent increase?

Your sister and friends need to keep their beaks out, to be honest.

Moving in with your parents sounds an absolute no go and there's little point in agonising about it if you haven't asked them. Three of their four bedrooms are occupied, so I cannot imagine they will jump for joy at the idea of housing you and your DC. And it's not going to work, the (3?) of you sharing a bedroom, is it? Your Mum will not want you sharing her bedroom, why on earth would she agree to that?

I think you have to look for settle for a 2 bed flat for now.

Hi all

Thanks again for the replies. I think I can handle the commute. My kids are used to being out of the house by 7ish and wake up at 6am. I would need to leave an hour earlier to avoid traffic so will wake them up an hour earlier. I agree I don't think living with my parents will work especially with my brother there. I don't want to move to a 2 bed flat as my kids are getting older and I feel they need their own rooms. I know the cost I'm saving on rent will be spent on transport but I think to go home to a home that meets mine and my children's needs will make up for it rather than spending that money paying someone else's mortgage and where we are living is not giving the quality of life I want. Its very important for me to get value for money. I'm okay with paying for rent if I feel the house/flat warrants that price but not when the landlord hasn't improved the property significantly since I moved in.

@Chillpill22 - can I ask have you costed up the commute in terms of petrol/diesel/electric not just in time? My husband's commute time is half that but it's about £16.50 a day until he swapped to an EV, not accounting for wear and tear etc. I'd factor in the extra petrol to the decreased rent to check you really are saving what you think you are, because it seems like a LOT of miles and lost time.