To stop helping this person

[AIBunnecessary]

I've been helping a lady who struggles with mobility who lives locally to me, taking her to do her shopping each week.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed she is constantly posting on our local community Facebook page, silly things to get rises out of people and cause drama. I think sometimes she can be quite difficult - the vet made a comment when I picked something up about not forgetting otherwise she will be in trouble and I get the impression from her she said herself she felt she had been bothering them.

To me she has been lovely, a little needy at times but I figured she is lonely and doesn't get out much. After her recent online posts I feel awkward and am considering stopping going to help her. I feel bad for feeling this way but I don't like the idea she is trolling people and setting out to be difficult to others on purpose. She will still be able to shop without me as there is online shopping or she can get a taxi if needed.

I just don't know what to do or what to say to her. The whole situation makes me feel very uncomfortable.

You owe her nothing really, tho your kindness is admirable. Maybe help her occasionally but not routinely

I think it would be hard to just do it occasionally as we have a set day I take her shopping each week and if I said I could only do odd weeks she would ask why I think and it would make it more difficult. She has already said about being a burden etc which I've told her she isn't. It feels good to help someone, my family aren't close by and ironically I had seen one of her posts on Facebook and offered to help.

YANBU. Sounds like she’s masking her true personality. She needs to adjust to having her shopping delivered.

Maybe tell her that you have commitments that mean you can’t take her shopping anymore but that you’re happy to help her set up an online shopping account.

Do you live in a big town/city? There are also things like Uber Eats/Just Eat/ Tesco Whoosh she could join if she needs shopping quickly/within the hour.

Time to nip this in the bud now before you become responsible for most of her care such as hospital/GP appointments etc.

What you're doing is very kind and generous, OP. If she is always lovely to you and doesn't take you for granted (and is appreciative), it seems a shame to just "drop" her because of posts she's making on FB.

Do you think it's possible that she thinks she's being clever or provocative when she posts these things? Or is it your impression that she's genuinely being mean-spirited?

I'd probably confront her in a neutral way, ask her what she meant by a certain post and tell her that you aren't comfortable with posting things with the intent of stirring the pot.

I'm honestly not sure what her intentions are in posting. Part of me feels like it's boredom and just doing it for a reaction, from snippets of what she has said she is active online in forums and she can be opinionated on things but low key things. She is of sound mind. The things she has said recently are to cause a panic, she has also been quite sarcastic/rude to people and provoking arguements. This is what's making me doubt everything.

I forgot to say we live in a very accessible area, deliveroo, Uber eats etc all deliver. She could also pay someone to help her which she has done before and was doing before she met me. That person left and this is when I offered to help.

I don't really want to bring up the Facebook posts because I don't want to seem to be policing her if that makes sense and telling her what I am and am not happy with it's just making me doubt her as a person

You have absolutley every right to not help someone and no one can tell you any different but personally I do not feel comfortable deciding whether someone needs help or not based on what they do, if they are rude to me sure I will stop helping but I either choose to help or not if they need it if I found out they supported Trump, donated to a charity I don't beleive in or whatever this is not relevant to me

I can understand that.

Well, if this arrangement no longer works for you (and you definitely don't have to explain yourself!), then end it. You've been very generous with your time and you're under no obligation to spend time with someone that you find unpleasant.

That's how I look at it as well.

I have an elderly neighbor that has never been anything but kind to me. I've helped her out from time to time and I know she gets lonely so I provide a bit of company when I can. She is always very appreciative.

But she can be so negative and judgmental about other people! I don't mind a short rant occasionally, but I do cut her off and redirect the conversation when it gets too much for me.

She is by no means a horrible person, but let's just say I can see why she doesn't get a lot of company😬

This is where I feel torn, it's not her beliefs or anything like that that is upsetting me it's how she is speaking to other people in the group goading them almost and that's what's making me feel uncomfortable. Like I said she isn't like that to me but is that just because I'm helping her and if something didn't go her way would she go funny.

She's bored obviously and unhappy so trolls others
I don't know what I would do but in any case you're a very nice person to help someone like this

At some point you will probably end up on the receiving end of this. I'd make an excuse but offer to help set up deliveries before you do

I'd talk to her about how she comes across online and see what she says about it.

I’m conflicted, even people who don’t deserve help need help. Only do as much as you are mentally comfortable with and reframe it as helping your community rather than helping her particularly. Don’t allow her to decide how much of your time and energy she needs because she’d probably want it 24/7

Stop reading her FB posts.

The posts are nothing to do with you though if you know what I mean? I think someone who lives alone, is lonely and bored and needs so much help is going to post differently to someone who’s able to fly about. And you don’t know with the vet thing, she might have gotten cranky with them because they did something actually wrong and she spoke back to them and then got a reputation- older people easily get reputations-?my mum says it’s the worst thing about it- everyone assumes you’re either clueless or cranky!!!

I’d be upset by her tone too, OP. I’d honestly help anyone but it would put me off someone and make me reconsider my help if they were trolling, rude and goading others on SM.

So basically you want to help her if she is meek and placating but not if she is direct and challenging? I think you can help or not as you please but honestly find your critique of her FB posting a bit strange to me. Is it that helping someone less charming doesn’t make you feel good?

In your place, I would teach her how to do on-line shopping, and just say that new commitments have come into your life, so you can’t guarantee that you can help her out going forward, so you want to make sure she can get her groceries.

There's a difference between being direct vs being outright rude though. I like people being direct as I know where I stand but she is winding up people online she doesn't know for entertainment and that doesn't sit right with me, however bored etc you are you shouldn't be ruining other people's days to make yourself feel better that's quite a horrible thing to do.

I'm also not going out of my way to see her posts, we were Facebook friends and then she's made a new account and mentioned about adding me again but I haven't yet but because her post are on our local public page they do come up on my feed as she causes big argument's and so they are quite active.

Seems lots of you think IABU.

I do want to help her but I also don't want any drama in my life I'm a single mum of 4, I was helping her with shopping because she had posted online asking advice and I offered and I am going shopping anyway, she lives a few roads away and going slightly out of my way makes a big difference for her. I think I will continue to help and just be a bit cautious. I only agree to what I can anyway as she knows I am busy with the kids etc but if I can help I will.

I honestly don't know how to approach the Facebook posts, I hate confrontation, I don't want her to think I've been searching them out like some of you think I have.

Tbh I would take her as you find her. What are you worried about? Other people's judgement? Being associated with a trouble maker? I would be continuing the arrangement as long as she continues being lovely to me.

I'd feel uncomfortable too. She is nice to you because you are helping her - if you weren't you could easily be on the receiving end of trolling too. I have no time for two faced people who are only nice if they need something from you. I'd drop her. I knew someone like that once - absolutely lovely if you were doing what she wanted and a total cow as soon as you put in a boundary. I saw her do this with several people in a row after I distanced myself from her. This woman is using you and knows she needs to act nice. Also I'd agree with 'none of my business' posts if this was just hearsay - but these are posts you have actually seen. And you;ve seen the context. Nice people are nice. Mean people are occasionally nice. Horrible people can easily fake nice. A person's character is massively important to me - not just how they treat me but how they treat everyone. (Eg I dumped a guy who was always lovely to me but rude to waiters etc). There is no way I'd go out of my way to someone who behaved abusively online.

To be honest I’m struggling to understand the relevance of what she posts on Facebook to whether you decide she’s worthy of your help or not. If she’s not been nasty to you then I don’t think it’s any of your business how she conducts herself online. People can be very different online to how they are in real life. I think you should carry on helping her until she does something directly to you, then you’d be absolutely within your rights to stop helping her. If you want to help her then carry on, if you don’t want to then stop. It’s that simple. It sounds to me as if you’re judging her and you’re scared of people judging you for being friendly with her.

A very tricky one, OP. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to help a toxic, ageing keyboard warrior!
However unless the comments were bigoted (racist, homophobic, abusive, etc), I'd probably still crack on. As I said though, I wouldn't blame you for not doing so. It's hard to separate the person from the comments in your head.