To stop helping this person

[AIBunnecessary]

I've been helping a lady who struggles with mobility who lives locally to me, taking her to do her shopping each week.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed she is constantly posting on our local community Facebook page, silly things to get rises out of people and cause drama. I think sometimes she can be quite difficult - the vet made a comment when I picked something up about not forgetting otherwise she will be in trouble and I get the impression from her she said herself she felt she had been bothering them.

To me she has been lovely, a little needy at times but I figured she is lonely and doesn't get out much. After her recent online posts I feel awkward and am considering stopping going to help her. I feel bad for feeling this way but I don't like the idea she is trolling people and setting out to be difficult to others on purpose. She will still be able to shop without me as there is online shopping or she can get a taxi if needed.

I just don't know what to do or what to say to her. The whole situation makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Personally I would keep helping her if she’s always been good to you and you like her company. I know someone who trolls online because they enjoy winding people up, it’s just a fake online persona, in real life they’re perfectly lovely.

If it wasn't for social media you'd be none the wiser, so why not just continue what you're doing on the basis that she's not saying those things to you personally? 🤷‍♂️

Can you post one example?

I think I know what you mean and tbh I would also would not want to be associated with someone being nasty. If she has the time and energy to be horrible to others, then she has the time and energy to organise her life too.

Also, if she does it to others then you're probably next if you drop her. I would just get very busy over those days and actually go out if you have to until you can no longer commit to the arrangement.

Tbh you would feel better and it would be better if you could speak th her about the posts. You could say she's such a lovely person but she needs to be careful posting online because people can get the wrong idea etc. Using a kind of reverse psychology. If she continues it's then fair to say, if she doesn't stop you will find it hard to keep helping her. Give her a fair chance to change because lying to her about not being able to help anymore isn't doing anyone any favours.

I think I've been in a slightly similar situation, we did the Ukraine refugee/sponsorship thing. The lady we helped was really sweet to us but very very racist and homophobic- to the point it was awkward in public. We are definitely not like that and have no time for it at all.
My husband basically sat me down and said that you can't offer help conditionally, or be judge and jury on who "deserves" help. You have to offer unconditionally (that doesn't mean being a doormat if they're rude to you, it just means I can't say "I don't like your behaviour regarding judging others so you don't deserve my help")
Nobody is perfect, and I think older people, vulnerable people and lonely people are often very likely to have some unusual views or behaviours. Personally, I'd either be bold enough to say "noticed on the fb board you were being a bit tough on such and such, is there a reason?" Or I'd let it go.
But you are helping voluntarily so you're entirely entitled not to and back out - but I'd be wary of trying to find the "right" and most "deserving" person to help. Nobody is perfect/you won't agree with everyone's behaviours and I think you'd be at risk of offering help and then removing it as soon as the person didn't fit your idea of someone worthy of your time/help which isn't great for you or the people you're helping.

I take people as I find them. She has always been kind to you so until she does something that directly affects you I would probably carry on helping her.

You can help whoever you want, and your allowed to dislike people. If you don't want to, you don't want to.

But from her point of view, she's probably not going to post like a person who feels well loved and cared for by those around her if she isn't. Isolation does strange things to people

You obviously don’t have to help her if you don’t want to continue doing so. However, you are not her moral guardian - you don’t need to agree with her every action. As someone else said, if you didn’t have Facebook, your opinion of her would be the same as it always was. I think my Facebook friends list would be a lot shorter if I blocked anyone whose opinions and attitude didn’t always match my own!

This stop now before it happens. Be busy.

I found myself tied up in a very similar position.. For 4 years. One time I wasn't available.. Back in November.. Haven't heard from her since. Not 1 message. Be less available op. And don't apologise for it. I just sent a simple Sorry I can't....

Thank you for your honest replies, we did end up having a chat about it this week in the end. She brought up something she had started a debate about on Facebook (which wasn't one of the nastier posts) by asking my opinion on the matter which wasn't aligned with what she had said on her post but she heard me out and we had a nice debate about it. I then mentioned I had seen a couple of her other posts and just named them asking if one thing she had posted was actually real (which she confirmed was) and she then herself without me saying anything said she did wind people up on there at times. She said a lot of the posters are the same and that the whole group is ridiculous and the questions etc and basically she does it for entertainment. I agreed a lot of the posts are debates or local gossip but didn't say anything else as like you guys said it's not my business. I think it is just harmless in her eyes and maybe I am being over sensitive.

I have been unavailable a few times and she's been fine. As I say I can only do what I can and if I can't take her she'll order online but it's nice for her to get out. I think also I was thinking to bring her to my house, she's met two of my children when they've been off school and come along and she doesn't have a garden so I thought would be nice to have her round, basically trying to adopt her into the family a bit and I think that's maybe why I'm being a bit more critical of things. I do like her as a person and friend but the online her is so different that's what worried me. I think I'll just ignore online and go from there.

Actually what I would do is politely make myself a little less available to her, say that you're not going to be able to bring her shopping as often as you have been doing in the past and she should try to find someone else who can share the responsibility with you. At least then, if you're unavailable for another reason, she has someone else to contact.

i was in a very similar situation and I just had to stop helping the person,. She was also elderly and a bit lonely, however I think just because someone is elderly and lonely doesn’t mean that they have an automatic right to your time. I suspect that my lady had always been a pain in the arse!

How did OP get involved? OK, I've read all the OP replies.

Lonely OP, separated from immediate family, replied to an online request for help.

I would recommend OP contacts a charity like Age Concern, and gets some support and structure and colleagues, for volunteering through them. Just be safe - and not abused or exploited - in the community.

The whole reason OP is reaching out to mumsnet, is she does not have a daily sound board to bounce off and is at risk of being exploited.

You could consider still helping her if you treat her posts as her disagreeing with you, with perhaps talking to her directly about good examples of posting on FB etc.?

That’s a lovely answer.

I judge people on how they treat me, as long as she is respectful and polite with you then what she does on FB shouldn’t concern you should it? Why get involved. You are doing something nice for someone who struggles, it’s a simple as that. It would be different if she was posting shit about you but she isn’t is she?

dear OP, do not adopt her into your family.
no. no. no.
you are well-meaning and kind.
but a little naive, perhaps.
you must be careful, don't open yourself to unknown people in an unguarded way, esp as you have children.
i agree with another poster; it would be better if you registered with your local volunteer bureau.
they have protocols and rules which provide protection, for both parties.
all the best.

I don’t see why she can’t do an online shop?

Stop helping as you don’t want to any longer.

If it doesn't inconvenience you to take her, and she isn't posting stuff about you on FB, I'd keep taking her - its a really nice thing to do for her.

We've got someone a bit like this in our apartment block - posts on WhatsApp constantly - I used to go out of my way to help her for years, then suddenly she was really rude & aggressive to other neighbours I knew while I was speaking with her in the street.
When I politely said she'd been a bit aggressive (I was concerned if she was like that to the wrong person they wouldn't just ignore it) - she said she'd only shouted at them because I was there & they wouldn't do anything because of that.
I've avoided her like the plague ever since.

I agree strongly with alex that you should not "adopt" this lady into your family. She obviously has a bit of a nasty streak and, if you cross her in any way, you might become the subject of her nastiness.

It is nice that you want to help this lady but I think it is unwise to be so available or encourage her into your family.

I really don’t know why you would want to adopt someone like this into your family. I wouldn’t want someone like this around my children. She has been open with you that she finds upsetting people entertaining.

You seem to have gone from not wanting to help anymore to now having her round your home. Do you have some personal experience with people who are unwell? Because it’s very odd.