Stay or go? **Trigger warning** Sexual assault

[JustSaltPlease]

Hi all

I typed out a very long post then decided I didn't want to risk it being revealing so am just going to make this quick.

Would you stand by your DP if they were accused of rape but then no evidence found, case dropped and no charges brought.

No sign he slept with her, and he denies sleeping with her or having any sexual contact with her. Claims a completely false accusation. Night out with several other work colleagues, a lone woman stated she needed a room for the night so they allowed her to crash in their air B&B

YABU - Yes
YANBU - No

I wouldn't leave.

No charges. It wasn't just them 2 alone, there were other people present.

Why wasn't he charged? Proven to be untrue, insufficient evidence or did the victim retract their complaint and stop engaging with police?

The first, possibly, but the latter, no, as all it means is it may have happened but they can't prove it or the victim doesn't wish to go through the trauma and without them the investigation stalls meaning it may possibly still have happened. Both of these would leave to many what ifs, buts and maybe's.

Only if it was proven to be untrue.

Other than that, not a chance. The majority of rapists get away with it.

I believe women unless proven otherwise. Virtually no rapists get charged, never mind convicted - and false accusations of rape are vanishingly rare, whatever the misogynists in the tabloids and on Twitter would have you believe.

I agree with the false accusation being rare, even if it did occur I would generally question the circumstances around how the false accusation materialised. The general circumstances could still be concerning.

You know really don’t you, in your gut? Do you think he did it or why would you ask. It’s horrible situation, I’m sorry. I’d totally rely on my gut feeling here. They’re always right.

I'm sorry OP but Greengablesfables does have a good point, if you are posting on here, you have some concerns. Trust yourself.

In all honesty if I was a man and someone accused me of rape and I 100% didn't do it there's no way I'd let the woman just scuttle off, it's cases like that that stops victims coming forward in the first place.

I'm a firm believer that if a person falsely accuses someone of a crime as serious as rape then there should also be consequences for the accuser.

Conflicted, wouldn't dump immediately but call it your first amber/red flag.

Having known someone be part of a jury for a rape case its very hard to convict as the 'deed' happens in private so no witnesses or evidence.

Also... who does this surely if they were feeling particularly concerned call the lady a cab home. Could be a bit of a rash drunken decision but a bit off imo? "a lone woman stated she needed a room for the night so they allowed her to crash in their air B&B"

It would depend on what I’d heard of the full case and whether I felt my OH’s story didn’t ring true. Would agree with previous posters: if you’re doubting him then it’s worth reflecting more deeply on why you still doubt him, despite there being no evidence.

But I don’t believe women simply because they’re women. Women aren’t incapable of lying or being bad people or having personality disorders. We’ve ultimately no idea how many rape cases result in a not guilty verdict because there wasn’t enough evidence or because they actually didn’t happen.

I have experience of a similar accusation from one (former) friend towards another where the man in question wasn’t even in the same country at the time she accused him of raping her - she just wasn’t to know that, she’d been incorrectly told he was staying in the same hotel.

Agree with a PP. I don't believe someone just because they are a woman.

If I loved and trusted my husband I'd believe him unless and until there was evidence to the contrary.

I'd believe my husband.

Why would the woman lie though?

What would she have to gain?

The only possible reasons that I can think of for a woman to make this up would be:

-she knows your partner, has a grudge against him and accused him maliciously to cause him harm

-she has some kind of long standing mental health issue/personality disorder which might distort her concept of reality.

Beyond the above, I am afraid I would believe the accuser.

Often with rape cases, it is the word or one person agains the other and there is not enough evidence to convict, but the man is no less guilty...

I would be very suspicious especially if the 'lone woman' is a colleague and I would definitely believe that something actually happened (unless she has a known track record of unreasonable behaviour).

As a victim of sexual assault myself the accusation would be enough for me to end this relationship.

This is a hard one. On the one hand, I’m always very much of the opinion that women don’t lie about this things just for a laugh and false accusations are so very few and far between that it is ridiculous to even suggest it… but on the other hand, I know my husband. I trust him and the idea that he’d ever do anything like that is just beyond alien to me.
I don’t know op. That’s a tough one. I think I’d stand by him, providing that there was no part of his story or hers that rang any alarm bells at all.

My husband? Yes because I absolutely don't believe him capable and there would be no evidence to put a single doubt in my mind after 15 years together.

Speaking generally though, if there was even a shred of doubt, a whisper or evidence, if he was a new partner... not a bloody chance.

The story of a lone woman needing a room for the night has more holes in it than a sieve.

I would seriously struggle to believe any of that.

I have to say though, my husband would have booked and paid for a room for her l, called her a cab, called her friends. Anything to avoid tbat situation or because of exactly this sort of risk.

Is she married?

I don’t believe a group of men invited a drunk woman to sleep in their AirB+B out of the kindness of their hearts- I’d need nailed down info leading up to this offer.
It seems much more likely they would use her phone to get someone to collect her and wait with her.

How does that affect her believability or risk of being raped?

There must be more to the story of a lone woman going off to an AirBnb with a group of men she doesn't know, both from her side and from theirs. I feel like you haven't been given the full story there.

I don't think you'd ever get the truth from them though, in my experience men will stick together and back each other up even if one of them has done something awful.

Was it a group of men? The OP said work colleagues.

Can you provide more details OP- what was the claim, why was it dropped?

Ummm, it would depend on so much. I understand that you don’t want to be revealing but I would want to know his version, why he thinks she accused him and talk to the other colleagues.

You also know what he is like when he has had a few drinks, how much you trust him and how aggressive he is.

Only you know all the above and only you can know whether you have absolute faith In him or kind of doubt him.

More details needed. What gender were the rest of the work colleagues he was sharing accommodation with?

why would this random stranger of a woman lie about this awful thing? Reporting a rape isn’t something people just do for fun and in the rare cases a women does do the unthinkable and falsely report one there’s usually more to it as in they already know the person and it’s for revenge etc.

Err, no, I would not be staying with him with that story.

I would want to know more about why your DP would allow a random woman to crash at their air BnB rather than pay for a room/a taxi/get someone to pick her up and also presumably not tell you anything of this until the accusations were made

The whole scenario is dodgy as fuck tbh. I'm not surprised you have doubts about his conduct.

Was she crashing at theirs because she was too drunk to get herself home? Most men would find a responsible woman to help in that circumstance. Presumably there were other women on this night out too.