Is too much expected of women now?? How do you cope with working full time and managing all the childcare??

[Onionbhajisandwich]

After several years of managing all the housework, the childcare and working full time (including looking after 2 small children whilst I worked at home during the school holidays) I came very close to having a breakdown in 2022 and 2023. My marriage has been destroyed and I lost my job.

Having taken some time off work, I’ve gone back to a new full time job in the last couple of weeks as I can’t afford to work part time and am feeling the strain again already. I’m still alone when my daughter refuses to go into school every single morning and now I have the added pressure that I cant afford that time to mess about because I need to be across town for work every morning. If I don’t work, I can’t pay my bills and it’s likely I’ll lose my rented accommodation. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to manage this on my own. The kids dad sees them regularly but isn’t (doesn’t want to be) available to help with the issues getting DD into school each day.

How many times do I need to tell people I’m
struggling before someone take it seriously??

It’s honestly not possible and you have my sympathies OP.. I work full time with two small children and the only way it can work is because DH is an entirely equal partner and we both work from home around 80% of the time. He takes on the mental load as well as drop offs, cleaning, life admin etc. If I had to do it all by myself as well as work full time I would have a break down - I don’t find it especially easy now but we manage well because we share it. The downside is that we’re both knackered but there’s no resentment or inequity.

I wouldn’t stand for him dropping the kids at 7 am — no wonder they refuse school , all that chopping and changing in the morning would do my head in too!

PPs are right. Not enough is expected of men and no one tells them they can’t have it all - they just take what they want.

I have a dh who pulls it weight vs the average dad/dh and I still find it tough - he doesn’t notice that even if I “enjoy it”, it is still time and effort to turn up to the patents evenings, read and print the forms for school, make sure we are prepared for Bake sales, handle the orthodontic appointments, buy all the clothes, do all the cooking and shopping, sort the parties and play dates, select and manage the extra curriculars. I’m still in the kitchen getting things ready for tomorrow while d is watching Tv. And he is one of the more “enlightened” dads…

Yeah, there’s a lot of competitive Womaning.

If anyone is genuinely handling it that well they’re blessed with a Type A personality. Most of us aren’t that.

How much housework did he do before you decided to have kids? The ‘doing everything’ doesn’t come out of nowhere…

This is important because you state that women are ‘expected’ to do too much but in my experience unless you start off as a partnership, with a fair sharing of domestics, things only get worse.

So it’s not so much about what some vague jury ‘expects’ of women - more about what some women unfortunately and naively saddle themselves with. They initially love playing house and winning the prize for being the best Hinch/Stepford wife to their big earning man, then they go and royally fuck themselves over by procreating with the lazy entitled peacock prick who thinks childcare and domestic labour is beneath him.

Teach and model to your daughters and sons that domestic work is not just a female role.

I left my lazy man child to raise 2 DC alone. He refuses to have them during the week at all, and I had to take him to court to secure EOW and 50% school holidays. Even then he messes about.

Far too little is expected of men. My EXDP is supposed to pick DC up from school twice a month, on the weekends he has them. He usually cries off at least 1, because he finds it too stressful.

He refused to do a mid-week after school, I didn't even ask for overnight, as he finds it too stressful.

The only way I can get him not to bring DC back early from contact is to not be home myself. He has attempted to drop them off at my parents, but I'd pre-warned them not to open the door.

He thinks the DC are my responsibility because I am the mum, and he works full-time, yet I also work full-time in a very senior level job and earn 3 times his salary.

I solved my issues by getting a Nanny, although it's a very expensive option. I honestly don't know how any woman can work full-time and look after DC with no help, it's madness

@menopausalmare so what are we supposed to do? I can't change the (complicated and completely unforeseeable) situation with my ex. I can't work/earn more at the moment. UC top up is my only option.