Is too much expected of women now?? How do you cope with working full time and managing all the childcare??

[Onionbhajisandwich]

After several years of managing all the housework, the childcare and working full time (including looking after 2 small children whilst I worked at home during the school holidays) I came very close to having a breakdown in 2022 and 2023. My marriage has been destroyed and I lost my job.

Having taken some time off work, I’ve gone back to a new full time job in the last couple of weeks as I can’t afford to work part time and am feeling the strain again already. I’m still alone when my daughter refuses to go into school every single morning and now I have the added pressure that I cant afford that time to mess about because I need to be across town for work every morning. If I don’t work, I can’t pay my bills and it’s likely I’ll lose my rented accommodation. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to manage this on my own. The kids dad sees them regularly but isn’t (doesn’t want to be) available to help with the issues getting DD into school each day.

How many times do I need to tell people I’m
struggling before someone take it seriously??

I hear you. Is it an option to go part time with UC top up?

I hear you. Are you a single parent because if you aren’t it isn’t me who needs to hear you.

Unfortunately there is very little support out there for school refusers.

I had to go part time in a similar situation although the financial impact was not as bad.

How old is your child? Schools are a lot more aware of this as an issue these days and as a result have things they can offer.

It is very emotionally tough through.

It's not so much that too much is expected of women but not enough is expected of men..

Working full time as a mum is perfectly doable if you have a second parent sharing the parenting load.

It's shouldn't be this hard for you - it's grossly unfair.

My MIL genuinely told me that if DH and I split (it’s a real possibility) that he should be able to drop the DC off with me to do all the childcare to enable him to keep working. I work full time too.

But nope all childcare should fall to me. Fuck my life.

I don’t know OP. It’s unfair.

This.

I’m sorry OP your situation sounds very tough. And sorry if you feel this is derailing but you need to reframe the question.

Instead of asking if women are being asked to do too much, you need to ask if men are doing enough?

Whenever this question comes up someone will tip up to say “women can’t have it all.” Well, actually they can. It’s hard and expensive and sometimes demoralising but they absolutely can. But more to the point, no one ever tells a man he “can’t have it all.”

Its a simple equation. If a woman is doing too much it’s always because a man isn’t doing enough.

I appreciate that may not help you immediately and I don’t know your personal situation in detail. I realise it’s hard. But please don’t let this spin into another “women can’t have it all” thread. You owe it to yourself not to buy into that patriarchal garbage.

@NotTheReal this is exactly the problem. His job is considered much more important than mine. I already pay for the wrap around care but I also have to be responsible for getting the kids there - even when he’s had the kids overnight - they get dropped at mine at 7 to get them to school. It’s really frustrating as the most difficult part of the day by far is getting my DD into school x

If he has had the kids overnight, he should be responsible for getting them to school, not dropping them off with you!

What @Thursdaygirl said
Why are you allowing him to do that?

I appreciate that may not help you immediately and I don’t know your personal situation in detail. I realise it’s hard. But please don’t let this spin into another “women can’t have it all” thread. You owe it to yourself not to buy into that patriarchal garbage.

very good point. I was a teenager in the 80s, and was brought up to think that women can have it all. It took another 15 years for women to realise that ‘having it all’ just means ‘doing it all’.

Can you see if there is any flex in your job so you can go in early on the days the DC have stayed with their dad the night before? Force his hand as you won’t be there and let you potentially have a later start on the days they are with you the night before.

Tell him unfortunately your work have changed times so you need to start earlier, so he'll need to do half of school drop off, or pay for childcare/get his parents to do it.

This.

Are you or dd getting any support from school regarding the refusal? speak with senco. It makes things so much trickier when they don't/can't make it into school happily. I would look into working part time as its all alot to juggle the other parent should be pulling his weight! Look after yourself aswell.

I'd ask work to move to a later start if you can. I would also push back and not do any favours for him. He takes DC to school on X days, no argument.

Yup, this.

I have said the same thing today on another thread about how hard it is to work full-time (and establish a career) and do all the childcare (and even more so to then have health issues) and was told that because another single parent could work full-time and look after their children and found it easy (even though they work flexibly and from home) that all single parents could do it and it was just a 'me' issue.

He should absolutely be dropping her off at school when he has had her overnight. What’s his reasons for not doing that?

Real Dads will step up and do their bit - I do my fair share with my DC.
The bar is set too low for a lot of men, though - but this is perpetuated by people having children with lazy men and thus the cycle continues

So he gets dcs up and dressed (breakfasted?) out of the house, then drops at yours, they settle back home and then you have to try to get a known school refuser out the door again? Nope.

I think saying you have to go in earlier on his overnights so he can do the drop straight from his to childcare, if he needs to arrange different childcare for his morning, to accommodate his earlier drop off time, then he can sort that. You are no longer available from 7am-8am. Give him notice and then be out.

Yes

We're not having it all, we're doing it all

Or if you fear what he’ll sort for your kids, can you speak to local childminders and see if any will accept a 7am drop off? (Some will). He takes dc straight to that, not your house. He’s already done the hard bit of up, dressed and out on time. Getting a school refuser out twice is clearly not working.

I hear you.

I convinced myself I could do it all, and genuinely survived off 4 hours sleep a night for years before having the mother of all breakdowns last summer.

Looking back, ‘surviving’ was the word. I forgot how to have fun, lost sight of my dreams, and became the most boring person in the universe.

Hugs and condolences coming your way! 💐

You need to be gone from the house before 7am so he can't take the piss out of you and do his share of school drop offs.
If you aren't there he has to do it or find AND fund childcare to do it.

It's so wrong that universal credit is being used to top up the wages of women who go part time because their ex partner isn't stepping up and they can't manage.