To think no one can take your man if he's not willing

[twoblackdogs]

Just this, really.
Or your woman, of course, the same principle applies.
Had a rather drunken conversation with a friend of a friend on the line of "bad women coming to get my poor DP". I said nobody can take him if he doesn't want to be taken. She said all men can be taken.
I don't think so.
Do you?

I agree. There's always a lot of emphasis on the OW, but nobody can 'steal' a man that doesn't want to be stolen.

'Take your man?' he is not a dog, They do have brain cells as rare as that thought is on here

She can’t think much of her man to suggest he has no control of himself.

I’m married, men ask me out and I say no. I expect my husband to do the same if women ask him out and if he doesn’t then he’s one foot out the door already. A woman can’t force him to lie to me, cheat on me or leave him, just like a man can’t force me to do those things. If he is interested in another woman and cheats on me then good luck to her but she didn’t take him, he went.

"take your man"? they are not posessions. If he wants to push off with some trollope, let him go and "don't let the door hit your backside on the way out"

Why not just say: it takes two to tango. It is not groundbreaking info, OP.

Unless they kidnap them with a posse of armed mercenaries, no.

Agree.

There are a lot of weird generalisations about men I see on MN and one of those is that they're incapable of self-control if they're attracted to someone.

It sounds like she's upset that he's having inappropriate friendships or flirting with women. But blaming it soley on them.
If someone is unhappy then they are more likely to stray, if they are happy then not many people would usually jeopardize that situation by allowing mild flirting to become a relationship breaker.

A person will only cheat if they want to, it really is as simple as that.

Btw she said there were "a certain type of women" who make a beeline for her DP in bars and such (which didn't sound very truthful to me, doesn't look like Brad Pitt or something, but what do I know).
I asked if she ever thought why those women chose her DP out of all men present (if it really happens so), and maybe there's something about him, not about the other women.
She shouted at me :)

She sounds like she is poor self esteem. Thinks that everyone is after her - I'm sure fine - but perfectly mediocre husband.

Some women do target husbands/ fathers because they stupidly think I want that and that's what I can have if he was my husband.

But no you can't get a man or woman, who doesn't want to cheat to cheat. Does your friend think that poor men have no choice at all but to follow their penis after a woman who 'offers' it up. Doesn't give her husband much credit does it.

And it's all very 'oh men can't help themselves', they can and do - if they want to.

Of course. He's an agent of his own decisions and unless he got captured with a butterfly net, he made the choice of what to do. He's not a passive object to be stolen.

But some people, men and women, need to justify their decision to stay, so they displace it on to the outside agent who didn't make any commitment. Otherwise they have to square the fact that they chose to stay with someone who chose to do this to them. Or they have to re-evaluate who the person is.

There are people who get a kick out of pursuing married people but those people are a big part of the reason why you promise fidelity in the first place! If he chooses to stay faithful, you've nothing to worry about.

She's been listening to too much Dolly Parton ...

🤣

Agreed. Men aren't powerless to resist the charms of women who approach them. If they don't want to cheat, they won't cheat. And (contrary to the opinion of some of the more angry/bitter Mumsnetters) plenty of men absolutely do not want to cheat on their partners. The 'other woman' is not the only one to blame.

All that said - I still think people who chase after someone while knowing that that someone has a partner are the absolute pits. Not because I think the person being chased will automatically cheat, but I just think it's shitty, desperate and unpleasant behaviour to try to 'steal' someone's partner. This applies to both men and women. I knew someone who actually boasted about falling twice for married men and 'doing everything she could to get them', as if that was something to be proud of, and I just thought 'Have some dignity, you sad little woman'.

Obviously there are times when someone is very unhappy in their relationship and they meet someone by chance and realise that they might have a chance of a relationship with them, in which they won't be unhappy. That's a very different thing, and in those cases they leave their partner and start again with someone else, no overlap and no 'affair'. Totally fine; this is just a thing that happens.

But actively pursuing someone who is happily married/living with someone, in the hope of 'winning' them, is just grim.

Well obviously nobody could take someone else if they're not willing. If they were successful in taking them, then that would be assault/rape.

Plenty of people would be willing, if they fancied the person who had approached them. The key point is really their response, which would be based on a whole host of traits, like, their personal morality, their sense of duty, their sense of discipline, their ability to empathise with the potential fallout effects if their partner were to ever find out, their emotional maturity, their ability to forecast potential consequences like STDs, etc.

Wins the internet today!

I do sympathise a bit with your friend, @twoblackdogs

The fact is, there are women who will blatantly approach a man even when he is clearly in a relationship, especially if he is in a relationship with an attractive woman.

Agree. I've even seen women flirt with my DH while he remained oblivious. I don't think either of us could be arsed to manage an affair.

There will always be insecure women who will do this unfortunately but if my husband is willing to go off with the first woman who needs some outside validation I don’t really want him as my husband anyway.

Or to honour a previous poster - you can have him Jolene 😂

Well, since the last song, I've had time to think it over
A lot of tears, a lot of beer, a lot of wine
I spent so much time believin' that that midnight phone stopped ringin'
But he'd leave the room and answer every time
Well, it didn't seem so easy with that broken glass in pieces
And you holdin' me and sayin' you were wrong
Well, I'm tired of second chances, and these sad ass circumstances
He's your problem, good luck keepin' him home
Oh Jolene, you can have him 'cause he don't mean much to me
Well, I cried so much 'til rivers turned to seas
Oh Jolene, when you think that he's in love, he'll surely leave
Like he did me
You can have him, Jolene
Well, I fixed my crown from leanin'
And those weddin' bells stopped ringin'
I took my keys and threw him out his door
Well, I found a man who loves me and he'll give me all I need
What woman could ask for anymore
Oh Jolene, you can have him 'cause he don't mean much to me
Well, I cried so much 'til rivers turned to seas
Oh Jolene, when you think that he's in love, he'll surely leave
Like he did me
You can have him, Jolene
Oh Jolene, you can have him 'cause he don't mean much to me
Well, I cried so much 'til rivers turned to seas
Oh Jolene, when you think that he's in love, he'll surely leave
Like he did me
You can have him, Jolene
You can have him, Jolene
You can have him, Jolene

This made me laugh 😆

I agree with you OP. Imagining the tables were turned and somebody was approaching me (as has happened in the past) I would of course turn this down. It’s only right if you are in a committed relationship. Not to say it wasn’t flattering! But of course I wouldn’t let it go any further.

If the guy was very persistent then you would have to have some clear words !

Still focusing on the woman as the gatekeeper, though, addressing her and the punishment she's sure to get, rather than him.

While I agree you can't "take" someone who doesn't want to go. At the same time, all relationships go through ups and downs. Either/both of the people in the relationship can be going through a difficult time due to external factors.

If there's then someone on the sidelines who wants to be with one of the people in the couple, they can then use that to their advantage. I've seen it happen. Doesn't mean the person who cheated was intending or looking to cheat. They wouldn't have gone out and cheated with a "stranger" but they end up doing it because the person is actively pursuing them and they're weak at that point. If something's right in front of you, it's harder to resist.

Of course, some people do cheat regardless. But I don't think it's always that.

The husbands punishment is having to live with the person he is, the wife wins in the end, as do the (likely) string of other women he leaves in his wake.