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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think relationships take work?

30 replies

Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 22:53

Been together 6 years, we have 2.5 yo and 5mo. due to get married this year, have a mortgage and a dog.

We’ve really struggled I’d say sinc e our first. We got back to a good place then I had to terminate a pregnancy for personal reasons which I know my fiance resents me for (it was his baby too).

I feel like he hates me like I live with someone who hates me. He resents me I can see it

We conflict on parenting styles , he’s so strict and I’m more of a gentle touch. Our son gets in our bed because he asks for me and wakes, my fiance thinks I should leave him to cry and he’d go back asleep? I think this I absurd

anyway, he says things to me and says he’d just be marrying me for the kids. I’m making him deeply unhappy. I piss him off? But tbh it doesn’t take much. He snaps at everyone. He won’t speak to a therapist because “they don’t know what they’re fucking doing”

But he constantly throws splitting up and cancelling a wedding in my face - yet has booked his stag?

I’ve asked could we work on things. He says he doesn’t know how it’s not worth it

He says “how can I work on it” I’ve explained to him, then he just says he doesn’t know if I’m worth it

i said any relationship you’d be in would require work and he said he’d just die alone then?

we’ve both lost our sex drives. I think he forgets we have 2 young kids which demand a lot. We have jobs(I am on mat leave) a house to run erc

its a lot. But he just wants to quit

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 14/05/2024 22:56

While I would say that yes my relationship has certainly been through phases where we’ve had to work hard at things to get back on an even keel, we were always working towards the same things even if going different ways about it.
From what you’ve posted I’m not sure I’d be persevering with wedding planning. Neither of you sound very happy and I’m not sure it’s going to improve 😔

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2024 22:56

This relationship needs to end, right now. It's toxic. It's horrible. It's a horrendous example for your kids. Please end it now before it gets any worse, because it's never going to get better.

NewName24 · 14/05/2024 22:58

Yes. Or perhaps compromise is a better word.

When you have young dc, life is hard, and I'd say most relationships have bad patches, or even just bad days, because you are both exhausted, even before you discover you have different parenting styles. So yes, at that point you do have to take a deep breath and count to 10 and think about how you can get through it, if that is what you both want.

However, it doesn't sound like a good time to be getting married, if you aren't on the same path.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2024 22:58

Your partner has contempt for you.

That is a 100% deal breaker.

RandomButtons · 14/05/2024 22:59

All relationships require work, however you are never going to make things work with this abusive man.

Mannyshy · 14/05/2024 23:00

Doesn't sound like there's anything to work on here, relationships shouldn't be this much hard work.

coffy11 · 14/05/2024 23:01

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. He sounds awful. You deserve better, why are you putting up with him being so horrible to you?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2024 23:02

I think your partner is staying with you to punish you.

Rookangaroo4 · 14/05/2024 23:02

I’ve been married 30 years. We’ve had ups and downs of course. We have a child with severe and complex needs and that has put a strain on over the years. I wouldn’t say our relationship takes work through. I’ve never resented him and he’s never resented me. We have had disagreements about parenting but mostly on the same page. Arguments are few and far between and resolved very quickly. If I had to “work” to keep our relationship on track I’d leave.

i don’t want to sound brutal but your relationship sounds awful. I would not be getting married on your situation.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2024 23:03

Um. Whilst some relationships are worth working on through the hard times, some are so far beyond saving it's difficult to imagine what on earth you're thinking. Yours is the latter. I've never in my life heard of someone getting married to someone they hate.

SwissArmyRomance · 14/05/2024 23:03

Not like this, they don't. You have to like each other, 90% of the time, as well as love each other. He doesn't. Snapping, swearing at you and threatening to end things - no friend of his would accept this so why should you?

Feckthisforagameofsoldiers · 14/05/2024 23:03

Yes I think that except for a lucky few, the majority of relationships take work, particularly when children come along, however the foundations of love and respect have to be there. I really hate to say it but your partner clearly doesn't respect you.

AStrawberryTart · 14/05/2024 23:06

Your partner is abusive, no normal person says he’d just be marrying me for the kids. I’m making him deeply unhappy. I piss him off?. Please don’t stay with someone like this, if you do it will only get worse over the years ahead.

He says “how can I work on it” I’ve explained to him, then he just says he doesn’t know if I’m worth it

I agree, you’re not worth it, you’re worth SO much more, find your worth.

StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 23:07

Please don’t stay together for the kids. It won’t do any of you any good.

He’s booked the stag because he wants a piss up with his mates. It has nothing to do with being excited to marry you.

He’s telling you and showing you who he is. Believe him.

Original poster
Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 23:08

He says he doesn’t hate me but I just feel like he’s annoyed by me 24/7

he says I’ve went boring I’m not a person anymore. I’ve struggled with PPD this time round. I said I needed him to be there for me and he said I’m u bearable to be around when I’m pregnant and when I’ve just had a baby

I do think the wedding needs to be cancelled/postponed. He’s quite a difficult person I’ve always made allowances but I’m looking now I just think he’d be happy alone tbh

I’m unsure what I’d do though where I’d go? I’d take my 2 kids with me but how would I get sole custody Immscred in case I ruin my kids lives by trying to do things myself

OP posts:
LightsOnSparklingTowers · 14/05/2024 23:08

My relationship with my partner has always been fairly easy, so I don’t really agree that with the right person, that relationships require work as such. You do have to have a level of human decency and respect for each other though, which this man obviously doesn’t have for you.

He’s nasty bastard. It sounds like you want to ‘work’ at the relationship because you’re already a few years in, have kids and a wedding planned. If he treated you like this from a few months in and you didn’t have kids together, would you stay with him? I would hope not. Don’t stay with him because you’re already with him. That’s the mistake so many people make and they live a miserable life. You have years of life ahead of you and it could actually be good without this man.

Original poster
Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 23:16

I’m a bit scared to be a single parent I think. I read it back and I keep making allowances because I’m scared to be alone to do things alone. I don’t know how to go about things

but I thought the answers would be yes they require some effort / work but it seems like maybe I’m clinging on to something for some reason

OP posts:
LightsOnSparklingTowers · 14/05/2024 23:26

Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 23:16

I’m a bit scared to be a single parent I think. I read it back and I keep making allowances because I’m scared to be alone to do things alone. I don’t know how to go about things

but I thought the answers would be yes they require some effort / work but it seems like maybe I’m clinging on to something for some reason

If you’re serious about leaving, write another thread asking for advice on exactly how to go about it. Lots of women have been in your position and have left. Mumsnet can be awful at times, but I think when asking for advice on leaving a bad relationship with children, it’s one area where mumsnetters can be really supportive and have really good advice based on real life experience. Good luck. 💐

StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 23:29

Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 23:08

He says he doesn’t hate me but I just feel like he’s annoyed by me 24/7

he says I’ve went boring I’m not a person anymore. I’ve struggled with PPD this time round. I said I needed him to be there for me and he said I’m u bearable to be around when I’m pregnant and when I’ve just had a baby

I do think the wedding needs to be cancelled/postponed. He’s quite a difficult person I’ve always made allowances but I’m looking now I just think he’d be happy alone tbh

I’m unsure what I’d do though where I’d go? I’d take my 2 kids with me but how would I get sole custody Immscred in case I ruin my kids lives by trying to do things myself

Working on a relationship is when you love each other but you get disconnected (falling out, take each other for granted, busy with work, bad health, intimacy has gone by the by, all of the above!).

Working on a relationship isn’t trying to make somebody like or respect you. Your partner is selfish, emotionally abusive and plain cruel.

Original poster
Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 23:33

LightsOnSparklingTowers · 14/05/2024 23:26

If you’re serious about leaving, write another thread asking for advice on exactly how to go about it. Lots of women have been in your position and have left. Mumsnet can be awful at times, but I think when asking for advice on leaving a bad relationship with children, it’s one area where mumsnetters can be really supportive and have really good advice based on real life experience. Good luck. 💐

Show quote history

Thanks for this tip I’ve just posted one just to see what people say. I don’t know if it’s best to wait u til the kids are older

theyre my babies my absoloute world i dread the thought of them having to go to stay with him for days and he’s done cry it out and been strict

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 14/05/2024 23:33

Well, yes, relationships need work - if you're with the right person.

But he sounds truly awful and I think you're wasting your time with him. It's a shame you already have a child with him...

LightsOnSparklingTowers · 14/05/2024 23:45

Halloeeee · 14/05/2024 23:33

Thanks for this tip I’ve just posted one just to see what people say. I don’t know if it’s best to wait u til the kids are older

theyre my babies my absoloute world i dread the thought of them having to go to stay with him for days and he’s done cry it out and been strict

Show quote history

I wouldn’t wait till your children are older. By that time, you’ll be a shell of your former self and it will be even harder to leave and your kids will have been damaged. You already think you can’t manage alone. You absolutely can.

My dad was an abusive man. My mum stayed saying she’d leave in a month, in a year, when we were teens etc etc.

She didn’t leave but me and my sibling both left at the first opportunity. We’ve both had years of therapy to come to terms with our childhood. Growing up in that sort of environment really messes you up. I no longer have any contact with my parents. They’re still together, my mum is almost 70 and has wasted her whole life on a hateful, abusive man. She hardly sees my sibling, never sees me and has lost her grandchildren.

I hope you find the strength to leave, it’ll be hard for a while but it will be so much better long term for you and your children if you can.

IHateLegDay · 14/05/2024 23:52

It sounds like you're flogging a dead horse.

Your life will be so much happier and more peaceful with him gone. Being without him will be scary at first and will take time to adapt to but one day you'll look back and wish you'd left him sooner.

You and your children deserve better than him.

PurpleBugz · 15/05/2024 01:35

Op this will sound so cold and calculated but what is your financial situation? Do you own the house or rent? Is it his house you have paid into but not in the deeds? He is abusive and you shouldn't stay with him but having just left a lazy git while I was pregnant and engaged walking away from everything I contributed to but have no claim on and facing the impact on my career and ability to pay into a pension while he is free to build his im very aware how vulnerable financially an unmarried woman with children is. If there is no house then definitely walk away now ignore me but if you payed in and now will be impacted by having to raise the children alone I'd give the financial side deep consideration.

dazzlingdoll · 15/05/2024 03:17

Crikey end this now not healthy around the children