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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what is likely to be my fate?

63 replies

CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 21:58

My poor DCat has diarrhoea. I contacted the vet who said to try giving some "digestive function paste" for a few days to see if that will help.

Most cats find it delicious, they said. Most cats will just lick it off your fingers, they said.

Dear reader, mine did not.

I'm here alone, so needs must - I popped him between my legs to hold him in place, and attempted to squirt it into his mouth.

If I tried again, I would not ever be able to recreate the particular set of circumstances, but somehow, I had my mouth open whilst trying to squirt the paste into his mouth (probably talking to said DCat, telling him to keep the fuck still it was all going to be fine) and as he flicked his head away in protest, he flicked some of the paste into my mouth.

There is a big sign on the tube: WARNING. NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.

The ingredients is an absolutely revolting sounding "enterococcus faecium"

I tried to spit it out as fast as possible but who knows whether I managed to get rid of it all. I've mouthwashed my mouth (twice) and cleaned my teeth, but I don't know what else I can do.

A quick google suggests that human infection with enterococcus faecium bacteria has a 36% mortality rate, so that's really fun to know.

What do you reckon my chances are?

OP posts:
Boombatty · 14/05/2024 22:34

I would drink a large glass of something strong like brandy or whisky. Might kill off anything lurking. And you could gargle with it too.

Springchickenonion · 14/05/2024 22:34

Maybe you can't find anything online because they already suffered at the hands of the oaste before they could report it! Good luck OP!

Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 22:43

TwinkleDee · 14/05/2024 22:29

I think you should bookmark this post, so when you wake in the morning purring, you'll be able to show the doctors why you can't talk to explain whats happened. 🤔

Do you think my hands/paws will still be able to operate the phone? That's one way to reduce my screentime I suppose...

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 22:46

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 14/05/2024 22:31

If you start getting the urge to s**t in your neighbour's garden, start shredding sofas to shreds or making weird 'summoning the fur ball of death' noises at 4am then I might consider registering yourself with the local vet and stocking up on plenty of Felix and Thomas Litter, before you start to get too furry and begin to miaow instead of speaking.
Hopefully you and your cat will be OK.

Well, I get the gist of what you are saying, but don't forget the paste is to improve digestive function and help solve the diarrhoea issue, so I'll probably have to skip the shitting on the neighbour's lawn.

Apparently, according to my DS who told me on the weekend, I've already got "granny hairs on my face", so if I start to develop whiskers I doubt anyone would notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 22:49

Nicebloomers · 14/05/2024 22:31

If you feel poorly will you go to the doctor or the vet?

Good question. Wholly depends on if they will need to take my temperature or not!

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 22:50

Boombatty · 14/05/2024 22:34

I would drink a large glass of something strong like brandy or whisky. Might kill off anything lurking. And you could gargle with it too.

I have milk?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 22:52

Springchickenonion · 14/05/2024 22:34

Maybe you can't find anything online because they already suffered at the hands of the oaste before they could report it! Good luck OP!

Gosh, that's true. Good job for this thread. If I never post again, send in the pathologists.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 14/05/2024 22:55

Roseyposeypie · 14/05/2024 22:15

Our cat will only consume this stuff if smeared on his paws as he can’t bear to be dirty so will eventually lick it off. Might be worth a go. No idea about accidental human consumption.

You are a literal living legend. You win cat parenting!

NoBinturongsHereMate · 14/05/2024 22:56

Just think of it as particularly digusting Yakult.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 14/05/2024 23:04

@CheeriosOrFrosties
Granny hairs lol....miaow!

EarringsandLipstick · 14/05/2024 23:05

Macbeff · 14/05/2024 21:59

64%

😂😂😂

Branster · 14/05/2024 23:18

It's already happening OP, you are turning into a cat.
It's there in black and white: 'I have milk?'

Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 23:20

NoBinturongsHereMate · 14/05/2024 22:56

Just think of it as particularly digusting Yakult.

I've never tried one. I wonder if they are as appetising to humans as the paste is to cats. Perhaps I'll try smearing one over my fingers and licking it off to try.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 23:20

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 14/05/2024 23:04

@CheeriosOrFrosties
Granny hairs lol....miaow!

Harsh, I thought. but sadly true

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 23:21

Branster · 14/05/2024 23:18

It's already happening OP, you are turning into a cat.
It's there in black and white: 'I have milk?'

Gah! I'm on the turn! (me, not the milk)

OP posts:
dragonscannotswim · 14/05/2024 23:30

CheeriosOrFrosties · 14/05/2024 22:01

Apologies. Forgot to mention the most important point.

I would not lick it off anyone's fingers either.

Not even Jamie Dornan's.

Oh, op. I'm so sorry to hear this. Would it cheer you up to know that I met Jamie Dornan in Mull today?? We were out for a walk to a very quiet part, but today there were location vans and people everywhere. One cottage had a sign on the door that said 'No access to crew at any timeI'.

This bloke came out of the cottage as we were approaching. We said hello and smiled at each other, then carried on.

When we'd realised that all the palaver was for a film shoot, I googled when I got back to the car. Jamie Dornan starring in a new Netflix series on Mull. I've seen Belfast, and I didn't recognise him!! Oh well.

gano · 14/05/2024 23:38

This may ease your own personal horror. Took my old greyhound to the vet for a health check when I first adopted her. Vet said her ears were dirty, so squirted some ear cleaning fluid in and have her ear a good massage. I'm yapping away to the vet whilst this is going on and when the vet released the ear, my hound vigorously shook her head. Ear gunk flew through the air and straight into my mouth 🤢

Whisperingsummerishere · 14/05/2024 23:41

Your ability to talk will be gone at the stroke of midnight. Instead a dull purr will be audible..

Mossstitch · 15/05/2024 00:30

Ops nor listening anymore, she has gone to bed for some 'dreemies'😹

nocoolnamesleft · 15/05/2024 01:27

Sorry to be boringly practical, but taking human variety probiotics might possibly hrlp with gut symptoms, if you get any. Maybe a lumea for the whiskers?

CrikeyMajikey · 15/05/2024 03:30

OP if you are female, I think you need to invest in a good pair of tweezers for when the whiskers start to grow. Nothing worse than a few long whiskers on the face.

qpid5tunt · 15/05/2024 08:38

Dead soon⚰️🪦😂😂😂😂

Isometimeswonder · 15/05/2024 08:43

Have you started trying to lick your own bum? And knocking things off the surfaces?

Whisperingsummerishere · 15/05/2024 12:29

Guessing op got stuck in the cat flap without her phone to paw.....