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Original poster

DH being unwell

44 replies

Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 15:20

I don't know if I'm being a total bitch or if I have a point.

My DH gets unwell a lot. He has many allergies and sometimes has reactions or needs to take an antihistamine and it knocks him out for days. This has been ongoing for about 5 years and I didn't notice it being as bad before that.

In the last 4 years he has taken 2 periods of long term sick leave due to stress/depression/anxiety. All in all about a year. When he has been on sick leave he watches TV, plays video games, and his usual house work/childcare pattern.

There have also been periods where a virus will knock him out for up to 2 weeks. During this time he does NOTHING. He is now in the second week of a virus and I am sick of the sight of him. I have had to do everything. This is the 3rd one this year but the last 2 only led to a week off work immobilised each time.

He has said that he thinks that I don't believe that he's sick. I find it really difficult to believe that anybody is so unwell for 2 weeks with a virus that they can't even pick up their socks or make some sort of effort.

We both have full time jobs and have a small child. I feel like I'm going to end up being a carer for him. Our house is falling apart, our garden is completely neglected, I'm terrified he's going to lose his job due to such frequent sickness and we won't be able to afford our mortgage. We started couples counselling but he was cancelled the last 2 sessions due to his virus. We attended last year and I stopped them as I was getting so pissed off that he would barely wake up for them when I was killing myself trying to fit it in with my other commitments (work&child)

I feel like his health is a result of him being really unhappy in our marriage. He thinks it would all be much better if we were having sex frequently. I think his health has been impacted by his drinking but he stopped drinking when we started counselling about 5 weeks ago and is saying that I just don't believe that he is truly unwell because I want out of the relationship.

Our counsellor is telling us that we both need to be putting the other at the forefront of our priorities but I feel like if I prioritise him it will just lead to everything being about him and I won't be cared for at all.

Am I being a total cow for being pissed off with him for being unwell so frequently?

OP posts:
longdistanceclaraclara · 14/05/2024 15:23

Has he sought treatment for depression?

Pigeonqueen · 14/05/2024 15:29

Ok so what has he actually done about his health? GP? Blood tests?

I have lupus, asthma, all sorts of chronic conditions and I’m on the highest rates of PIP long term. I also have a disabled child, there’s no way I could just take myself off to bed for 2 weeks.

If he’s genuinely unwell he needs to get to the root of what’s going on. He can’t just sulk about no sex. What an arse.

Original poster
Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 15:29

longdistanceclaraclara · 14/05/2024 15:23

Has he sought treatment for depression?

Yeah, he is on antidepressants and previously attended therapy. I don't fully understand why that ended though and he hasn't been forthcoming with info.

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 14/05/2024 15:31

How would he look after himself, your children and the house if you were unwell? Or if you did split up and he had some custody....

He's a grown man who is dipping out of life.

Sofaz34 · 14/05/2024 15:37

This sounds so suffocating and depressing for you. I cannot believe he says this is because of not having sex as frequently!! How about , make an effort in your marriage and maybe your wife will want to have sex with you more.

I don't think you are unreasonable to find the illnesses annoying. Not only is it hard to have sympathy for people who are always ill, they also take the biscuit when they aren't helping out and even looking after themselves. But he will most certainly lose his job at some point as his work will find a reason to get rid to save themselves the hassle of constantly covering his workload.

I would generally consider if he wants to be in this relationship and also if you do. It just sounds like a wasted life IMO.

Original poster
Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 16:24

He went to the GP and was given antibiotics which haven't helped.

It does feel suffocating. I feel burnt out and like there is very little joy in my life apart from my child.

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 14/05/2024 18:29

What positives does he bring to your life?! Because it sounds like you are parenting him - a sulky child who contributes nothing. I seems like your life would be easier and more pleasant without him.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/05/2024 18:57

If he's so ill that he can't contribute to family life in any way then how would he have the energy for a better sex life? That's just an excuse to try and make you feel guilty Op, I'm willing to bet that if your sex life did improve he'd still be just the same. I've great sympathy for people who are chronically unwell but I usually find they push themselves as much as they dare to have more of a life, they don't want to lay in bed all day doing nothing

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/05/2024 19:05

The thing that makes me suspicious is the fact he thinks a better sex life would help. If he hadn’t got the energy for essentials, how would he have the energy for sex?

And how does he think he’s possibly making himself attractive to you by lying about doing nothing?

In your shoes I would say “yes I do want out of the relationship” and leave him!

MILTOBE · 14/05/2024 19:09

Oh that rare malaise where the cure is more sex.

Come on, OP, he's massively taking the piss. Get yourself out of there ASAP.

MILTOBE · 14/05/2024 19:10

I would get out before he loses his job, tbh. Things will get a lot harder then (and not in the way he wants).

SchoolQuestionnaire · 14/05/2024 19:14

Completely agree with pp’s. He has no energy for anything useful but the poor lamb could just about manage more frequent sex. Frankly, he’s pathetic and I don’t know why you haven’t left already.

Spirallingdownwards · 14/05/2024 19:18

Cut your losses and split now. Life is too short.

Scarletttulips · 14/05/2024 19:21

It won’t get any better. It’s sounds like learnt helplessness.

What would happen if you did the same? Have you tried it?

Blessedbethefruitz · 14/05/2024 19:22

What antihistamine are these? I have many allergies. I take a standard otc antihistamine daily, topped up with extras when I have a non fatal attack. I have epipens too. Even after anaphylaxis and obviously steroids and hospitalisation I do not require 2 days in bed 🤔 I also take antidepressants for anxiety and depression. 2 young kids means that even with severe d&v I'm still doing the bare minimum to keep people alive (we usually all catch it together).

I've no idea wtf is going in with your dp. What were the antibiotics for, they don't hand those out like candy anymore? Has he been tested fully for autoimmune conditions? It doesn't sound right. Either he's very unwell, or he's milking it (demands for sex...)

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/05/2024 19:36

I would be very suspicious too.

If he's sick that often surely he's going everything he can to try & cure it, has it had full blood work and allergy testing done? (I doubt it!).

If he's depressed, again what is he doing about it - counselling, exercise, good diet etc? He doesn't sound clinically depressed if he thinks more sex will cure him.

I would tell him you can't possibly risk having sex with him incase what he has is contagious!

LizzieBennett73 · 14/05/2024 19:38

You mention drinking OP, is he usually a heavy drinker? As this can really impact your immune system and certainly won't be doing his mental health many favours either....

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/05/2024 19:46

Does anyone else in the family catch tbese illnesses?

Mama1980 · 14/05/2024 19:55

What medical tests has he had? Bloods? Scans? ME? Lupus? My sympathy levels would be determined by how much effort he was making to get well, and find out what is going on.
I'd suggest he restarts therapy asap.
Tbh it sounds like he's just checking out, (especially with the sex comment!) but I'd want to ensure nothing 'medical' is going on before I decided on my next steps.

5YearsLeft · 14/05/2024 20:12

SchoolQuestionnaire · 14/05/2024 19:14

Completely agree with pp’s. He has no energy for anything useful but the poor lamb could just about manage more frequent sex. Frankly, he’s pathetic and I don’t know why you haven’t left already.

If someone doesn’t have the strength to pick up their socks, then they don’t have the strength to have sex. Everyone is absolutely right on the nose of the situation. I don’t know what your husband is playing at, but something is really wrong here.

Like many others on the thread, I’m chronically ill myself. Part of why my marriage failed is because I was unable to have sex. The problem was that it was simply impossible because I was too sick. So I’m really unimpressed by your husband‘s shite. And I’m amazed that you’ve put up with it for so long. It’s up to you how you want to handle it. You can either refuse to acknowledge that he’s unwell at all, which is your prerogative. Or you can go 100% the other way and tell him if he thinks that he’s so ill, but it’s time to start going to the GP and telling them all his symptoms, insisting that they get specialist help, figuring out why he’s so ill all the time, having him live in a spare room so that he’s safer from viruses, etc.

Either he’s truly ill and his immune system is compromised and he needs medical investigations, or he’s using his health to get out of his life responsibilities and to try to sick-sulk and emotionally blackmail you into more sex. You are the person who most closely knows the truth of the situation. I would just make a decision on how you want to go forward, and do whatever you have to do to bring this ridiculous situation to a conclusion.

drusth · 14/05/2024 20:16

He sounds like a lazy, alcoholic wannabe cocklodger.

Dump him now before you end him being the sole breadwinner, the houseamaid and nanny.

Original poster
Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 22:02

He's not a Cocklodger- he earns twice what I do and pays the majority of the mortgage.

In relation to his drinking, it was excessive and worrying at the start of the year. He has now stopped but it has only been a short while. I think he is an alcoholic and is in denial. However, in fairness to him he did agree to stop when I asked him to in counselling.

I've suggested that it has been his excessive alcoholic use that had led to his body having so many difficulties but he doesn't agree. I don't think he has been honest with his GP about his drinking so he says that it's not an issue.

He definitely does have allergies. He gets otc antihistamines. I do believe him about how it affects him.

I mean, I feel like I do want to leave as I don't see how anything can get better. I just feel immobilised and worried that I'm just being unfair to him. It's the not going to work thing and just completely abdicating all responsibility when he's not feeling good that I can't respect at all.

We haven't had sex since December. I also told him in January that I don't want to have another child with him as I don't want to do it with the way our relationship is at the moment. He took that really hard and is hurt that I feel that way.

OP posts:
SilkFloss · 14/05/2024 22:08

If they're over-the-counter anti-histamines then presumably he could switch to a different brand that don't make him out of it?
Over the last 55 years, I think I've taken every anti-histamine on the market and with the exception of Piriton making me a bit drowsy (but nothing a good shake and a kick up the backside wouldn't sort), I've never had the sort of reaction he seems to be having.
When he's having an "ill" episode, what does he actually DO all day?

Original poster
Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 22:16

SilkFloss · 14/05/2024 22:08

If they're over-the-counter anti-histamines then presumably he could switch to a different brand that don't make him out of it?
Over the last 55 years, I think I've taken every anti-histamine on the market and with the exception of Piriton making me a bit drowsy (but nothing a good shake and a kick up the backside wouldn't sort), I've never had the sort of reaction he seems to be having.
When he's having an "ill" episode, what does he actually DO all day?

He alternates between sleeping and watching TV.

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 14/05/2024 22:24

I have lots of allergies and intolerances plus auto immune conditions and a whole host of other health conditions - I cannot imagine anything other than when I’ve been hospitalised that would make me so incapable
I was a lone parent to 2 DC from them being 4 and 5 so had no choice but to step up
These days they are grown up and help me, but I have elderly DM with Alzheimer’s and a full on very responsible job so can’t opt out due to illness
If his allergies are controlled by OTC level stuff he is milking it or severely mentally unwell