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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH being unwell

44 replies

Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 15:20

I don't know if I'm being a total bitch or if I have a point.

My DH gets unwell a lot. He has many allergies and sometimes has reactions or needs to take an antihistamine and it knocks him out for days. This has been ongoing for about 5 years and I didn't notice it being as bad before that.

In the last 4 years he has taken 2 periods of long term sick leave due to stress/depression/anxiety. All in all about a year. When he has been on sick leave he watches TV, plays video games, and his usual house work/childcare pattern.

There have also been periods where a virus will knock him out for up to 2 weeks. During this time he does NOTHING. He is now in the second week of a virus and I am sick of the sight of him. I have had to do everything. This is the 3rd one this year but the last 2 only led to a week off work immobilised each time.

He has said that he thinks that I don't believe that he's sick. I find it really difficult to believe that anybody is so unwell for 2 weeks with a virus that they can't even pick up their socks or make some sort of effort.

We both have full time jobs and have a small child. I feel like I'm going to end up being a carer for him. Our house is falling apart, our garden is completely neglected, I'm terrified he's going to lose his job due to such frequent sickness and we won't be able to afford our mortgage. We started couples counselling but he was cancelled the last 2 sessions due to his virus. We attended last year and I stopped them as I was getting so pissed off that he would barely wake up for them when I was killing myself trying to fit it in with my other commitments (work&child)

I feel like his health is a result of him being really unhappy in our marriage. He thinks it would all be much better if we were having sex frequently. I think his health has been impacted by his drinking but he stopped drinking when we started counselling about 5 weeks ago and is saying that I just don't believe that he is truly unwell because I want out of the relationship.

Our counsellor is telling us that we both need to be putting the other at the forefront of our priorities but I feel like if I prioritise him it will just lead to everything being about him and I won't be cared for at all.

Am I being a total cow for being pissed off with him for being unwell so frequently?

OP posts:

SauvignonBlonk · 14/05/2024 22:33

I might have had some sympathy for him until you mentioned that the cure was him getting more sex. That was the end of it for me. Get himself to the doctors to get some help or he can move out. No way could I tolerate him not helping himself to get better along with not being able to pick his own socks up but enough energy for a shag. Urgh.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/05/2024 22:38

If he has allergies he doesn’t want to be drinking alcohol - alcoholic drinks are very high in histamines so it’s going to make any allergies worse.

i have to take antihistamines for allergies incl quite strong ones and have never been incapacitated by them - I’m a parent, I have a job, life doesn’t stop because you’ve taken antihistamines!

Original poster

Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 23:21

He said that the reason he was drinking every evening was for comfort because I wasn't having sex with him and he felt it was the only good thing he had available to him.

He's not drinking now and I suspect his illness is possibly more depression rather than physical. I also think he is likely to be blaming me for being depressed but he hasn't said that to me. We've mostly not spoken this week.

OP posts:

Scarletttulips · 15/05/2024 05:39

What are you getting from this relationship?

Twylitette · 15/05/2024 05:50

I think your vision of ending up as his carer is correct, get out now. He sounds sulky, petulant, lazy and doesnt seem to think about you as a person he loves, just some kind of machine thats gone on the blink.

WomanXXWorldsOriginsofMothersofAllNations · 15/05/2024 05:56

If he’s an alcoholic how are you so sure he’s stopped drinking, rather than just hiding it from you?

Might help explain why he’s not getting any better, and why the antihistamines aren’t working.

ditzzy · 15/05/2024 06:03

“I've suggested that it has been his excessive alcoholic use that had led to his body having so many difficulties but he doesn't agree. I don't think he has been honest with his GP about his drinking so he says that it's not an issue.”

He’s probably not being honest with himself about his alcohol use either. The casually heavy drinkers I know just don’t even notice how much of the drink they are pouring (or sometimes even realise they’ve had a drink at all even when you’ve seen it) let alone add it up over a week to think about the total.

Fuzziduck · 15/05/2024 06:11

My friend gone through a very similar situation with her husband - only a bit longer.
My friend started individual counselling, where she was told she is being domestically abused. They have now separated.
Maybe do counselling for you, and see what "falls out".

thurstonthethird · 15/05/2024 06:13

Hi OP. My DH is also frequently unwell, he has chronic health problems and gets very tired and depressed as well. He has a big job which drains him a lot and sometimes he is so depleted that, combined with his underlying health issues, he just can't do a lot when it comes to weekends and evenings.

It makes me really sad sometimes and I get where you are coming from completely - especially if your DH doesn't seem to have all that much awareness and isn't doing a lot to help himself.

My husband is in regular therapy and on medication but it's still a problem. It's bloody hard sometimes. It's not through any fault of his own, but I do get frustrated with it all at times. I wish that he was more healthy and energetic. I think that's a normal thing to feel.

I suppose what you have to think about at the root of it all is how much do you love him?

What keeps me going is that I have such a huge love for my DH and I can't imagine life without him, and I will do whatever needs to be done to support him. If that means I need to care for him one day (and it might well go that way) - then I will.

If it gets to a point where that's not something you can honestly say about your husband, perhaps it's time to think about whether it would be better all around to go separate ways.

You can't be in a situation where you are a carer for someone that you don't really love and want to care for.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 15/05/2024 06:24

When he's alternating between sleeping and watching TV, what happens if you send the children in to "watch some TV with Daddy"?

mangochutneyjar · 15/05/2024 06:33

He said that the reason he was drinking every evening was for comfort because I wasn't having sex with him and he felt it was the only good thing he had available to him

No, no, no. Blaming you for him drinking too much is appalling behaviour and shows a complete lack of responsibility for his own behaviour. I also agree that if he's too unwell to pick up his socks then how can he be able to have sex?

He's lying and gaslighting you and I think you need to seriously consider whether you want to stay with him or not. He isnt taking even a tiny bit of responsibility for his habits or his health and he is blaming you for not having enough sex with him and for forcing him to turn to alcohol. I have utmost empathy for people with chronic health conditions but this isnt the issue here. He is behaving like an absolute arsehole and he needs to start taking responsibility for his behaviours, not trying to manipulate you into thinking this is all your fault. I'd be giving him an ultimatum and putting the responsibility firmly back in his lap.

Anyotherdude · 15/05/2024 06:34

Shayisgreat · 14/05/2024 22:16

He alternates between sleeping and watching TV.

Show quote history

That’s depression, OP. You can only help him if he helps himself, and that’s not happening at the moment. I have a relative with whom I’m getting to the point of giving up on, because they also exhibit hypochondriac behaviour, but seem able to get out of bed if it’s something they want to do it for.
It’s exhausting. Sending you 💐

Codlingmoths · 15/05/2024 06:38

He said that the reason he was drinking every evening was for comfort because I wasn't having sex with him

ewwww so imagine your sex life were regular, then if you were as sick as he has been over a long period of time, he’d saying you’d make him drink as what else could he do if you were too unwell to want to have sex?? So much ewww. He chooses to drink.

i would say to the counsellor I am prioritising him. It’s certainly not me I’m prioritising by doing everything around the house and 100% of the parenting while he lies in bed for two weeks and hasn’t so much as carried a sock to the laundry. 40g weight I estimate. Then you say we need to prioritise each other?? I prioritise him and our family and he prioritises himself so the only thing that could change here is he starts prioritising me and our family.

Scottishgirl85 · 15/05/2024 06:43

The relationship is dead, and he's at high risk of losing his job. Jump ship now. This is not a life for you and your children.

Pupupthenight · 15/05/2024 06:43

I felt a little sorry for him until the more sex part. If he was feeling so chronically unwell, he wouldn't be bothered about more sex.

Has he been to the GP?

If it's the antihistamine knocking him out, he's on the wrong one.

Original poster

Shayisgreat · 15/05/2024 08:25

Thanks for all the advice and views. It's nice to hear that I'm not being a bitch but possibly being a bit wet.

OP posts:

TeaandBissKwitts · 15/05/2024 08:35

You are absolutely not being a bitch.

If he's genuinely poorly/depressed/has a shit immune system that's fine....IF HE IS SEEKING HELP.

What's so utterly ICK here is he's doing nothing about it. It's so lame and the sex part makes it utterly transparent that he's likely tantrumming.

Start doing the maths on leaving. You might have a smaller home/whatever, but it could be a huge weight off your shoulders too!

Good luck OP.

Hoolagan · 15/05/2024 08:42

OP lots of what you’ve said is similar to what’s going on in our household. My husband has on off depression (won’t share with me if it’s back or if he’s stopped taking medication but sometimes I can tell). He’s been drinking excessively for years but especially last 6 months since we’ve had our second baby as he hasn’t had enough sex IHO. It’s been awful, he’s finally realised the drinking has to stop after an incident at work. He does blame me for the drinking as I’m not loving enough to him. We still have sex a bit but only because I want to meet him halfway with his needs to see if he will start doing the things he says he will eg stop drinking stop drinking stop sleeping all the time. Watching tv upstairs in the daytime.
he’s 3 week teetotal and slowly slowly it’s starting to help.

PM me if you want to chat

Crikeyalmighty · 15/05/2024 09:16

He's a waste of space OP and it's very likely his drinking has caused all this.

If you have chronic physical illness , the last thing you tend to think about is more sex - this isn't physical illness it's depression mixed with what sounds like a shot immune system- what if you had serious condition -would he go off like this purely because he wasn't getting sex- there is nothing less attractive as you get older than a sex pest - apart from a man who does sod all - and he's nicely mixing the two.

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