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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't really care if I am , I'm fed up.

74 replies

ComeOVeneer · 03/04/2008 18:33

Dh plays poker once a month or two. He is due to play this Saturday and when he does he often stays overnight at his parents. I then drive (1 hour) with the children (3 and 6),having done late afternoon/supper/bath/bed on Saturday, and after an early start, with them to his parents, for Sunday lunch.

They are breaking up for their holidays tomorrow for 2 weeks, so I asked dh to take them with him tomorrow afternoon to his parents and have them sleep there, giving me a few hours in the afternoon, an evening to myself, a good nights sleep, and a lie-in for a couple of hours. Dh readily agreed, spoke to MIL......

SHE WON'T.

She doesn't see why she should look after the children on my behalf when dh has a social arrangement, it is my "job". She fully expects me to bring the children for lunch on Sunday, but not do this.

OP posts:

2GIRLS · 05/04/2008 00:11

I don't agree with you Happy, children don't ask to be born so if you have them you look after them.
It's not a right you can expect that when you get old they will look after you. If they do because they want to, then great.

Grandparents are not expected to provide childcare, but when we are stuck we ask our mums or mils to help us a bit and usually they say yes because we are their children and they want to help us and they want to see their grandchildren (usually).

If the mum or mil is a difficult cow and doesn't do much for the children she chose to have, then it's hard to forgive and forget and want to look after them when they are stuck and need a hand.

Your children are your children forever, not until they have flown the nest. When they are old enough to not need constant care than you get time to do what you want when you want, but surely that doesn't mean that you turn totally selfish and don't put yourself out for anyone ever?

Quattrocento · 05/04/2008 00:20

YABU - but you knew that

sorry you sound tired - hope you get a good sleep sometime soon

horsish · 05/04/2008 00:31

It's a bummer .
It would be great if the granny would help in the way you want but there is no moral obligation and she clearly does not want to.Does not make her a bad person but you know that already.

You have to accept that.
your kids, etc.

Would be nice if ytou could have an equivalent away day each month.
Woould that work?

horsish · 05/04/2008 00:38

I think the personal attacks and name calling of COVs mother in law on this thread are uncalled for and not in the spirit of mumsnet.

And the remarks along the lines of " remember this when she is old and frail and needs your help" are despicable.

paros · 05/04/2008 01:26

yes but surley its all been said with a bit of tongue in cheek .

Original poster

ComeOVeneer · 05/04/2008 10:33

Sorry RL crept in and has kept me away from mumsnet for a couple of days.

I don't expect MIL to look after the children, I just thought it would be nice, plus convenient seeing as we are all there for Sunday anyway. They have slept there before so it isn't she is nervous about it. She doesn't have loads to do for Sunday, I am doing the vast majority. Dh won't be going out until 8pm and is slepping there, so he effectively would be looking after them. We (dh and I) do take over childcare duties for each other for social arrrangements. What annoys me is I know if it was the other way around and dh had the children whilst I was out she would fall over herself to have them if asked!

OP posts:

horsish · 05/04/2008 12:30

Why do you think she does not want to have them on this occasion?

Scotia · 05/04/2008 16:29

I suspect she's the old-fashioned type who thinks a married woman has no right to go out without her husband - and believes that if the children stay with her, COV might just do that.

COV, I think you should tell her you won't have time to do all the cooking so she will have to do it as it's her lunch and HER JOB!

[GRIN]

Original poster

ComeOVeneer · 05/04/2008 16:45

Horsish, I don#t think she doesn't want them at all, I think she is doing it to spite me!

OP posts:

Original poster

ComeOVeneer · 06/04/2008 11:43

Pity the snow isn't worse or I could have an excuse not to go. Best head out now then.

OP posts:

edam · 06/04/2008 11:47

Well, dh owes you big time. Is he working all week? Then next weekend is YOURS to do with as you wish, sans children.

nkf · 06/04/2008 11:51

She probably knows full well that she will be looking after the children while your husband goes out. And you kind of dumped it on her via his arrangment rather than asking it as a favour. That's what it sounds like to me.

halogen · 06/04/2008 12:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not very much to ask. If your husband will be there until 8pm, he can do most of it anyway. Not sure how old your kids are, but if they're small they will probably be nearly ready for bed at 8pm anyway. And your husband can deal with them in the morning too. It's only providing them with beds, really, and a couple of meals. Maybe you could send them with a mountain of sandwiches and some sleeping bags and that way she wouldn't have to do anything at all (joke).

nkf · 06/04/2008 12:07

But will he do anything if she is there? Or will be regress to adolescence and sit around asking for a shirt to be ironed? I agree it's not helpful of her but she should have been asked for the favour. That's only good manners.

Mrspanic · 06/04/2008 12:16

COV it's hard to explain to others at times like this when you "know" someone is being spiteful, rather than (perhaps quite reasonably) just not feeling up to looking after gcs for the night when asked. but i know what you mean. I hated my mil's attitude for a long time when my first 2 boys were tiny, until i mentally wrote her off as a source of support. i keep my emotional distance now and it's much easier, but I understand where you're coming from.

I used to do a lot for mil, taske her to hospital appts, dietician's appts (she's a fussy hypochondriac but that's another tedious thread), take her out to do shopping etc. All received very gratefully and done by me without any expectation of reward - much of this was before ds1 was born or conceived so certainly not being "banked" against future childcare.

She fussed so much over ds1 when nhe arrived, wanting to take over etc., that when he was a bit older i twice - only twice ever - asked for help. first time was just for 40 mins while i proposed to go to a hairdresser near her for a much needed cut. "Oh not sure". So I made other arrangements, can't remember exactly, but forgot all about it. He'd have been about 6months, not even crawling so not mobile or difficult to mamage. Then when he was about 18m and I was 6m pregnant with no2, i asked in desperation if she'd have him for ONE night so i could hava good night's sleep and a short lie in. She'd happily been doing just that for ds1's cousin (same age) and her older brother since they'd been 4-5 months old. "He's not ready" came the firm reply.

So thet was that. Looking back, of course i never expected as a right that she'd look after ds1 ever, it was just that she was doing lots of stuff for sil/bil (bil being her other son) I thought I could be included just the once. But it was annoying, and putting that distance between us has helped me stay calm even when exhausted. Soon I had 3 under 5 but knew better than to ask for anything whatsoever.

Get dh to take his turn and have a night away somewhere without recourse to mil. You will be back incontrol and free of resenting a situation you can't steer.

horsish · 06/04/2008 18:33

why would she want to spite you?

JellyNump · 06/04/2008 18:53

I wouldn't go for lunch. Would it be so bad for him to get a lift home at 2am? It would give you some time off? She sounds like a right old b!tch

kitsmummy · 06/04/2008 18:55

I'm with the vast majority here - YANBU. Of course she doesn't have to look after your kids, but her reason for not doing it is just plain old spiteful to you. Besides, how long would it be for? A couple of hours before bed and then your hubbie would be there in the morning. Shame you'd agreed to do most of the food, she doesn't deserve any help from you.

horsish · 06/04/2008 18:58

jellynump how can you call someone a right old bitch with only the info we have here?

Elasticwoman · 06/04/2008 21:36

She's right - it is your job to look after them. But it is also dh (their father)'s job.

Why is it that he has time off to play poker but you don't get time off to do whatever you want?

It is not MIL who is in the wrong - it is dh.

Sorry if some one has already pointed that out - haven't read the whole thread.

Original poster

ComeOVeneer · 06/04/2008 22:04

I do get time of to do what I want to do. I just though as I have 2 weeks of school holidays to deal with it might have been a nice thing to do to give me a few hours to myself last night. DH does his fair share, she wants to see the grandchildren I thought it would be nice (especially as I did ost of the catering for todays lucnh).. Anyway spent a delightful 2.5 hours getting there today as there was a fixture at wembley, so she was peed off people had to wait for lucnh!

OP posts:

horsish · 07/04/2008 09:32

wish I lived near you - I just saw the picture of your cake!

Hope your weekend was not ruined by all this.

Get online and book a night away with your girlfriends.

Original poster

ComeOVeneer · 07/04/2008 10:11

Thanks Horsish. It is my latest business venture (the cakes) hope to make it work once ds is at school (spet 09) so am building up my portfolio and will start doing wedding fairs etc.

Weekend was OK (ish) Had a lovely time for an hour or so with children yesterday am in the snow before we headed of (the only advantage of early risers means all the catering was sorted and ready to load into the car still leaving plenty of time for fun and to get ready..

Don't get me wrong I am by no means the hard done by wife who sits at home whilst dh has the social life. He has his things (golf and poker), I have mine yoga, nights out with my friends, and we have plenty together, either friends over for dinner/vice versa, cinema, nights/weekends away, with care from family or baby sitters (we are of to Chicago child free next month for a week (business trip for dh combined with our wedding anniversary)).

There was absolutely no reason that dh should have cancelled his poker. It wasn't that I "needed" the children looking after on Saturday night it was that I thought it would be nice and very little trouble to do what I suggested and would have been a knid gesture to me from MIL seeing as I have 2 weeks of keeping them entertained . But anyhoo!

OP posts:

JellyNump · 08/04/2008 00:52

In the same was OverMyDeadBody called her a mean old cow with only the info we have on here

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