Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Ridiculous" to expect cutlery and crockery to be clean

39 replies

SisMichael · 14/05/2024 11:35

Hi Forum,

Newbie here (2nd thread ever). Sorry to post something that might be trivial!

MumsNet is a broad church so I think I the answer to this one will put me right one way or the other.

I am not the tidiest person but I insist on clean (I know many will say these 2 go together and I can't disagree).

Mum lives with me and I care for her - she has a few medical conditions which means clean is actually critical for us.

Family member has just called me ridiculous for insisting on cutlery, crockery and pans being truly clean after dishwashing - sadly, we don't have a dishwasher due to space.

He says this because I spend time re-washing pans with dried on carrot and broccoli, cutlery with small specks of food dried on, dishes still smelling of salmon, teaspoons with the remnants of the tea or coffee they have been used to stir (there are other examples) all after he has washed them and they have dried.

I don't go looking for these things - I find them when putting away dry dishes/pots/cutlery because he does not do it (perhaps he might do it once in a week).

The implication in his words is that I am somehow abnormal for insisting on what I consider to be a basic level of clean. I am certainly not perfect, far from it in fact, but I thought this sort of thing was something all normal adults expect?

I am beginning to wonder if I am actually nuts!

Please tell me - AIBU???

OP posts:
PurpleHiker · 14/05/2024 11:37

That would gross me out. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Velvetbee · 14/05/2024 11:37

He’s defensive and pushing his uncomfortable feelings onto you.

betterangels · 14/05/2024 11:38

Of course you're not unreasonable.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 14/05/2024 11:41

I felt nauseous reading your op
Yanbu

He is being utterly gross in his low standards. If somethis has dried food residue on it or still smells of the thing cooked in it then it isn't clean.

PercyJackson · 14/05/2024 11:43

Well of course its not ridiculous. Your post reads a little like its been written by ChatGPT though...

Domino20 · 14/05/2024 11:43

I'm very sympathetic to your situation as I spend a lot of time at my mum's and she also seems incapable of washing up properly. I've mentioned it several times but she gets defensive and nothing improves. It makes my skin crawl, I just try to get to the washing up before her or rewash stuff. It's pretty annoying.

WarshipRocinante · 14/05/2024 11:44

Does he just dip them in water and then put them on the drainage board? Because he definitely isn’t cleaning them.

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/05/2024 11:48

Weaponised incompetence. He doesn't do it properly so that you have to re-do it which he hopes means you will stop asking him and when this hasn't worked he gets snippy and defensive in the hope that this will stop you asking him.

Does this sound right?

Haydenn · 14/05/2024 11:48

Weaponised incompetence. Do a job badly enough until the other party gets pissed off and just does it themselves.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 14/05/2024 11:49

OpusGiemuJavlo · 14/05/2024 11:41

I felt nauseous reading your op
Yanbu

He is being utterly gross in his low standards. If somethis has dried food residue on it or still smells of the thing cooked in it then it isn't clean.

This ^

BobbyBiscuits · 14/05/2024 11:53

This is gross. As soon as I see this on something I chuck it in the sink in disgust! And then wash it obviously.
But I don't see how people can actually seem to be welding on dried out food rather than removing it. Very hot water and wul and a brush, scourer, cloth. It's not difficult. If stuff is grim like frying pans I wash it while it's still hot if possible.

CrunchyCarrot · 14/05/2024 12:41

I would do the same as you OP, I'd also consider whether he might need an eye test and glasses, because leaving bits of food on etc can mean he just doesn't see it! Then he'll get defensive over it. This used to happen with my MIL whose washing up left a lot to be desired - she wouldn't wear glasses to do it!

toomuchfaff · 14/05/2024 12:45

He's defensive because he's attacked. Rightly so, if your dishes are not clean then your standards of hygiene are poor. Whether that's because he can't see or he doesn't care is for you to understand and action.

You carry on rewashing where you find the hygiene standards lacking.

Kesio · 14/05/2024 12:49

He sounds like a prick.

does he also live with you?
if not tell him to fuck off

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/05/2024 12:50

Oh yuk yuk yuk !

wintersgold · 14/05/2024 14:04

How horrible. You are completely justified here

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2024 14:06

I'm never going to win Housekeeper of the Year but whoever they are, they're wrong. Any cutlery I see that's not washed properly goes around again in the washing up.

Silvers11 · 14/05/2024 14:11

I presume this is your husband if it's in your home. As someone else said, possibly weaponised incompetence. Or just complete laziness, so the dishes don't get properly washed

skyeisthelimit · 14/05/2024 14:17

YANBU. We have a small dishwasher, and if anything comes out dirty, it goes back in again. DD often puts dirty stuff in the drawer when putting away because she just doesn't notice it, and it really annoys me

Original poster
SisMichael · 14/05/2024 14:36

Thanks for such speedy responses!

Honestly, I am at the point where I had begun to question whether it really was me as I have been made to feel as if my standards are ridiculously high. As an example of the sort of thing I mean, please see the pot lid I have uploaded below.

PercyJackson - I am not sure whether or not to be flattered by you thinking that I can mimic AI! Hilarious because I am not that great with tech at the best of times.....😆

Good idea about whether or not it's his eyesight - except for the fact that I am pretty sure he has better eyesight than me! He's pretty absent-minded, I just don't think he notices things he just doesn't think are important.

When I am then spotted re-washing things that are not clean, I am accused of micromanaging and undermining.

I can't seem to win either way. We are about to have the kitchen renovated and I have been trying really hard to work out a way to afford replumbing and reorganising the space just so I can wedge a slimline dishwasher in - am I fooling myself in thinking this would solve the problem (given some of the insightful posts above)?

Thanks all, it's such a relief to know I am not going mad. Have felt a bit gas-lit to be honest.

"Ridiculous" to expect cutlery and crockery to be clean
OP posts:
oakleaffy · 14/05/2024 14:39

@SisMichael You are absolutely right to be so careful.
Bacteria will thrive in old scraps left on stuff.

He’s gross and an appalling washer - upper

Stuff needs rinsing thoroughly after washing, too to wash the detergent off.

👍

Original poster
SisMichael · 14/05/2024 14:48

WarshipRocinante - I have seen him washing things before and he does actually use the sponge and washing up liquid - he just doesn't really pay attention as he washes up. I think he thinks that if he's got some sort of washing up liquid on it and a sponge has touched the spoon or whatever, the job is done. He doesn't look at the spoon (or whatever) after he rinses to check that it is actually clean.

For instance, when he washes cutlery, he holds the stem of the spoon, washes the head, runs it under water, then puts it on the dish drainer. The idea that the stem of the spoon may also need washing does not occur to him.

When washing one of our stainless steel pots, he'll wash the inside (I have a photo of food bits still stuck on the inside after he washed a pot recently) but it does not occur to him that the outside might also need scrubbing, especially if the pan boiled over during cooking.

It really does blow my mind.

Everyone is correct - if I dare broach the subject (which I try to avoid because I don't get an adult response) he gets immediately defensive and flips it on me, telling me that I am actually the one in the wrong for getting upset about a little bit of food left on something - YUCK.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 14/05/2024 14:57

Sounds like he went to the same school of washing up as my DH, @SisMichael . The dried on food and generally not smelling fresh is grim. If I'm really lucky, he hasn't rinsed the soap off, either 😖

Midge75 · 14/05/2024 17:01

You could be me, writing about my husband. It drives me mad. I do all the cooking, and our agreement has always been that whoever cooks doesn't wash up. That means that with the pattern we've slipped into, he always washes up. But I have to re-wash at least half of it - and he also thinks I'm nit picking. I reckon his dishwashing habits are similar to your husband (?) - he fills the sink with hot water and washing up liquid and the sponge definitely touches everything but I'm not sure how much pressure he uses - and he very rarely rinses, which I never realised until recently, as I don't stand over him as he does it. It's infuriating when you go to the drawer and have to throw most of the cutlery back in the sink, or you're about to wash up, take the dishes out of the cupboard, only to find you have to wash them all again. I've run out of different ways to broach the subject without sounding like a nag. But I am going to have to, and it's going to have to be gently, but seriously - to make him realise this really means something to me and it makes me feel like he doesn't care. (Not to mention puts me off him!). Sounds like you've tried several times to explain too, so I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom, but certainly lots of support from me and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Mimilamore · 14/05/2024 17:06

I'd be exactly the same as you, if the job's worth doing, it's worth doing properly or just leave it. Hate half hearted washing up...