High achieving kids

[isthatasharknoitsdave]

So I know I am mostly being unreasonable but I'm wondering if anyone else can relate or have any advice.

I have 3 children, they are great kids, 20, 17 and 15, youngest two are doing GCSEs and A-levels, eldest is sort of floating, he has a job and wants to go to uni but has no idea what he wants to study. He did ok at A-levels (CCC). My husband passed away when they were tweens/early teens and this had a massive impact on them. But they are funny, bright kids.

At a group for bereaved children I met two other families, one had lost their son and the other had lost his wife. My eldest was in the same year as two of the kids, we still meet up now and my youngest is in the same year as the other kid.

One of these kids just seems to be that perfect high achieving type. She's studying English at a top uni, got 2A* and 2As in her a-levels, plays piano and tennis to high standards oh and she speaks 3 extra languages (self taught 1, other two she built on from school). She's well spoken, takes care of herself etc.

Now my DD is great she's funny and she gives everything a good try but sometimes I feel like she just limits herself and can be a tad on the lazy side. She's doing her A-levels now and planing a gap year, she's predicted BCC which I know is still good and I'm proud of her for trying. But she's not the hobby type. She lounges watching television a lot and seems to fill any remaining time on TikTok. Even teaching her life skills like cooking isn't easy.
My boys are much the same, no real hobby's or get up and go about them, very happy to just let life pass them.
When I suggested they might want to learn a language properly (all my kids dropped it before GCSE) they all responded that only try hards do that!
They did hobbies as little kids but as they got older they gave them up.
When I think of the 3 other kids we know well I do wonder if I missed the mark somewhere or dropped the proverbial ball. All the other 3 are definitely more inclined to learn on their own.

I know I'm lucky I have 3 healthy, happy children and grades and hobbies are inconsequential in the real world. But I can't help but wonder if I've failed them in some way.

AIBU to feel this?
What's the secret to these high achieving kids? Is there a potion or a spell that no one told me 🤣?

Some of them are born like it, and nag their mothers into doing lots of activities

Some have tiger mothers

And some are in between.

There are more important things. Are your children kind and reliable? I rate that above academic achievements any day! Have they got the gift of the ability to feel happy and enjoy life? Can they make sound friendships? If yes, they will be far better of in the long run than these academic/musical/sporty "high achievers"

No of course I know this and I'm very proud of them.
I just sometimes wonder if it's my fault (it's me I'm upset by not my lovely kids).
I also don't really agree with the narrative they will be better off.
The other kids (well mainly the girl) is also just as kind as my kids and full of life. I find it hard to imagine that she would see all the same success in life and then some considering she has a few more strings to her bow.
I love my kids so much and they are great in so many ways and I'm so proud of them every day.
I more just wonder if I missed something that could have given them more opportunities rather than changed them as people.

Do you speak multiple languages or play musical instruments? Do you have family friends in high achieving jobs etc?

I went to a really crappy comprehensive school myself but have worked in private schools for a decade now. When I first started, I found the difference in aspirations really confusing - when I was at school anyone who tried hard at anything was mocked, the coolest kids were the kids with the worst grades etc.

But the kids I teach assume working hard and doing well at things is the norm because that's what they see at home and among all their peers. Teens are very cynical and I don't think you can just say "doing xyz will give you more opportunities" - they need to see it in action themselves.

This makes sense. I'm a midwife and love my job but I guess it not exactly high achieving.
The girls dad is a doctor and her mum worked in finance. Her mum was also Swedish (although that's not one of the languages she's speaks) but I guess that might have played a role.

Some children are driven, and become those high achieving adults who have good jobs, are sporty, musical, clever, etc. Some children are pushed relentlessly and end up resenting the opportunities they're offered. Most fall somewhere in between. If your kids have been given opportunities and not taken them, it just means they're not that interested. Nothing to blame yourself for.

Hi OP, I was one of those high achievers: my adult life has been very ordinary! My older dc is nothing like me - whilst she is very able, she isn’t driven to pursue “early brilliance”. She knows exactly what she wants to do in life - it is a career which doesn’t need top grades so she just works at the things she enjoys and does well enough. She has several hobbies she loves and possibly will for her whole life, and two pets she adores and cares for and I am content to see her happy.

To be honest it has taken me a long time to stop fretting that she doesn’t do competitive sport or play an instrument at near-professional standard! But increasingly I see this amazing young woman I have raised and I think “wow”. She has a steady approach to life I really lack. Yesterday she pranced round the house in a new bikini that she bought, so full of joy and I reminded myself again that is all that really matters, isn’t it? She is so lovely and full of life and fun - she is massively over achieving in that part of her life, and I think that is the part that counts.

So give your lovely dc a hug and remind yourself that there is more to life than awards and “achievements”. You have done a great job with them, it sounds like.

No, not at all, and you mustn't think that. We are all different, think about how different you are to some of your friends and family. Your 3 dc are different. My 2 x ds's are different, ds1 very driven, ds2 much more laid back.

Yes some are very bright, some are very driven. Most of us aren't. And what difference does speaking a language or being able to play an instrument make, to most people on a day to day basis, not that much, apart from enjoying it.

Encourage and support your dc to find something they enjoy that will pay them reasonably. Isn't that good enough? Also recognise that you have already done a superb job by getting them to where they are, eg with the massive loss of their father. Take pride in what a good job you've done already.

It's often partly this, to be honest. I know 3 high achieving kids and their dad earns mid 3 figures in something financey, mum is a SAHM but was in banking. They've multiple BTLs, always gone skiing, a horse, etc. They'll know what sort of money it takes for that lifestyle.

Of course sometimes it goes the total opposite way. Another uni friend had very little money growing up and worked incredibly hard (too hard!) as she didn't want that for herself. Others rebel against well-off parents and/or the pressure of private school. And sometimes it's just a very busy brain that likes to be occupied.

Congratulations on raising 3 kids through a bereavement of a parent. And that they are happy and healthy is a bonus. I understand what you are saying about the over-achieving but in the big, big, picture - and with what they have been through - you did an amazing thing.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Being a nice person, and being able to build good relationships quickly, will get you much further in life. Let your children find thier passion & they will excel .. might take them longer than others to find out what that is, might not involve a degree, might be something you have never even considered.

Academic achievement doesn’t always equal success. Likewise many people succeed without academic success. In my family we have one member who went to grammar school, straight a’s at GCSEs and a levels and a first degree from Cambridge. Academically can turn to anything. However despite academic success 15 years after graduating has not settled to a career, chopped and changed a lot, gets restless and can’t handle too much pressure and responsibility in work environments. I can give you numerous examples of mediocre students who have been very successful in their adult career. Academically some people are just very smart and if all comes very easy to them. The same as some are talented artists, musicians etc.
we all want the best for our kids, but it can’t be all about academic success, a truly successful life is a happy life.

Perhaps consider achievement in ways other than just academic? It's not the be all and end all that some folk seem to think!
💙

Some children are driven - either naturally or through parental pressure. Some are not. That's just life, it doesn't mean you've failed! And being super academic when young is absolutely no indication of future success - the only Oxbridge graduate I know works in a shop. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, she loves it and is very happy in her life. But clearly not a significant or high-earning career.

Their A level results and the university they attended (or not) won't matter a bit when they're 40 and making their own way in life.

I sometimes think this with DS. I did everything I could ( breastfeeding, reading every night, blah blah blah). He has his own desk space, routine, no additional learning needs etc. He's a lovely boy, funny, polite, can speak to everyone, no behaviour problems at all, but it's been a real slog academically. He has worked so hard for his gcses, revising, using active recall, flashcards the lit. But he has friends who will just get 9's with ( apparently) hardly any revision. I told him they are probably lying about the amount of revision they are doing. But then again, he was dropped to foundation in maths, which he prefers because he is at a slower pace and he's really come along with the additional time given, and he's seen as some kind of genius in that class, so it's all comparable. I also work with young adults. One of them got all 9s at gcse and all A's at A Level, but then complete burned out, quit university after a month and went to work as a waitress for 2 years. She's only just decided to go back to learning and even then has gone back to something that's far too easy for her, but she enjoys.

I have 4dc.
The eldest coasts and drifts, and is just motivated by the gym.
Second is academic, motivated to do well in Alevels but no hobbies bar socialising.
Third is on 2 sports teams, learning Spanish on Duolingo, plays an instrument, is on school council, does book club.
Fourth is all football and friends.

I don’t think it’s a parenting difference, they’re just different people.

What role do the dads play, if any?

Honestly I think that a teen teaching herself a language is very unusual!

Well your kids are doing Alevels or have done so they are not exactly under achieving are they ,?

Its very hard to moderate expectations we have for our kids and some kids take a but longer to find their thing.

The fact that they will all leave school with A levels is great. Don't take that for granted.

As a parent there's lots we can do to give them a safe and nurturing home and the foundations they need but a lot of it is down to them. It looks like you've done your bit even while losing your DH. That is amazing and something you should be proud of.

If they are decent caring people and capable of working at things (they must be to have got 3 Levels) then they will be fine.

I think at this age a lot of it is down to parental pressure (which might be positive or negative). I was similar to your friend's children in my teens and early 20s, but free from parental nagging I've settled into what my mother calls "underachieving" and most people consider to be a decent although not stellar job.

So I don't think high achievement as a child necessarily translates into "success" as an adult. I suspect that children who are more self motivated than parent motivated probably do better.

Comparing yourself to others is meaning less.You have done so well as a widow to have 3 well balanced children .My Dad died when I was a child and It had a huge impact on me .Be proud of them and yourself too .Since when was being a midwife not a good career?

Your children have been through a life changing trauma. The fact that your children are healthy (both physically and mentally) is a huge credit to you and them. They may not have been 'high achieving' anyway but why does it matter. They are young, are studying and living their lives. Don't compare your kids to others- nobody is the same as others.

Some of it will be genetic, some nurture but both are often going to collide. As a 2yo I guessed my nephew was going to do maths at university. He’s now 18 and will be off to do maths at a top uni assuming he gets the grades needed. Now there is a nature/nurture thing here where maybe he was directed towards that subject because he was good at it but there was something innate that made him obviously better than his peers at it from being tiny.

With something like music, for the average kid I think a lot is actually down to parents supervising practice, facilitating lessons etc. some are born for music but I suspect for most it’s having motivated parents that can bear the grind in the early grades.

@rzb

Fair point well made!

I guess I was thinking of my own children and their dad wasn't overly involved!