High achieving kids

[isthatasharknoitsdave]

So I know I am mostly being unreasonable but I'm wondering if anyone else can relate or have any advice.

I have 3 children, they are great kids, 20, 17 and 15, youngest two are doing GCSEs and A-levels, eldest is sort of floating, he has a job and wants to go to uni but has no idea what he wants to study. He did ok at A-levels (CCC). My husband passed away when they were tweens/early teens and this had a massive impact on them. But they are funny, bright kids.

At a group for bereaved children I met two other families, one had lost their son and the other had lost his wife. My eldest was in the same year as two of the kids, we still meet up now and my youngest is in the same year as the other kid.

One of these kids just seems to be that perfect high achieving type. She's studying English at a top uni, got 2A* and 2As in her a-levels, plays piano and tennis to high standards oh and she speaks 3 extra languages (self taught 1, other two she built on from school). She's well spoken, takes care of herself etc.

Now my DD is great she's funny and she gives everything a good try but sometimes I feel like she just limits herself and can be a tad on the lazy side. She's doing her A-levels now and planing a gap year, she's predicted BCC which I know is still good and I'm proud of her for trying. But she's not the hobby type. She lounges watching television a lot and seems to fill any remaining time on TikTok. Even teaching her life skills like cooking isn't easy.
My boys are much the same, no real hobby's or get up and go about them, very happy to just let life pass them.
When I suggested they might want to learn a language properly (all my kids dropped it before GCSE) they all responded that only try hards do that!
They did hobbies as little kids but as they got older they gave them up.
When I think of the 3 other kids we know well I do wonder if I missed the mark somewhere or dropped the proverbial ball. All the other 3 are definitely more inclined to learn on their own.

I know I'm lucky I have 3 healthy, happy children and grades and hobbies are inconsequential in the real world. But I can't help but wonder if I've failed them in some way.

AIBU to feel this?
What's the secret to these high achieving kids? Is there a potion or a spell that no one told me 🤣?

Comparison is the thief of joy as they say.

I’m intrigued by not being the “hobby type”. What’s a hobby type?

@SpringKitten your daughter sounds so much like mine, she is an absolute joy to be around and I should really stop giving headspace to how the apple fell so far from the tree.

Did you think your kids were doing well enough before you started comparing them? There will always be people at different levels in life, that's life. What kid wants to actively learn a second language if it wasn't something they decided themselves? Your kids sound like they are doing just fine.

Op I have a very high achieving dd. I raised my son exactly the same way and he's the complete opposite significantly behind. He's had tutors and lots of time and energy poured on him but he's just not as capable. You get the kids you are given. I love my daughter and I'm so very proud but her drive for learning comes from her I can't take credit all I did was facilitate it

OP I get where you are coming from entirely.
I was a school librarian for about 10 years, in that time one student stood out. We opened the library at 7.30 everyday for Y10-13 and it closed at 5, was always staffed, kids would use it for the computers etc.

One girl would come in around 7.30/7.45 each and every day from the start of Y10 (literally week 1, day 1) until the end of Y13, she would study/do homework/read until registration at 8.30. She'd be back 4.10 - 5 everyday as well (classes finished at 4 but she told us she'd lap the school grounds first for fresh air).
Talking to her through the 4 years I learned she came in early as she had been at sports practice 6-7, 3 days a week, so she would shower there, her dad would pick her up and then drop her off at school for 7.30ish. She also played piano, and was on a hockey team.
She got straight A* on both GCSE and her 4 A-levels.
It was always a bit of chatter about if she had pushy parents etc, but it was very clear that she was just incredibly self-motivated, she knew what she wanted and went for it.
She studied English at Cambridge and last I knew was working as an editor for a magazine.

My son was in the same year and frankly it was lucky if he was out of bed for 7.30, he was very unmotivated and just waited for everything to land in his lap.
He's now quite happy as a physiotherapist so I wouldn't stress!
I spent a lot of time in those years wondering why this student was so devoted yet my son couldn't care less. The reality is studying isn't for everyone, hobbies aren't for everyone and some people just need more down time!

Read

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

Enlightening how the advent of smart phones and social media has impacted teens & young adults

My dd is one of those kids. Exceptionally high achieving both academically and in nearly all of the extracurricular stuff that she did. She has natural leadership skills. She's very sociable, very kind. Does lots of volunteering etc. Has a very flexible part time job that pays incredibly well for her age etc.

I honestly don't think it's down to our parenting, other than us having been willing to facilitate her various activities, both financially and logistically - but there is nothing very exceptional about that. I genuinely think that sort of drive is just innate, and it was evident from a very early age.

I have that kind of drive too, and so does dh, although his manifests itself in a slightly different way. So I think there may be genetic factors at work? Also, both dd and I have adhd which may be relevant...both of us have very low boredom thresholds and we really need lots of stimulation to keep going.

Plus, early successes and achievements tend to attract a lot of praise and accolades from teachers, friends, relatives etc, which both build the child's confidence and reinforce the high standards that they set for themselves. It essentially becomes a self fulfilling prophesy, and the high achieving thing somehow becomes a part of their identity.

It has its downsides tbh. It can be exhausting at times, and the constant high achievement creates a kind of pressure of its own. I have a paralysing fear of failure because I never really learnt how to deal with it properly. I had to work hard to find opportunities where dd could learn to fail and realise that the world wouldn't stop turning if she did. But even with all of the significant effort that I invested in trying to teach her that it's fine to struggle with some stuff or even just to be average sometimes, and even though she obviously knows that rationally, she still feels a lot of pressure to maintain her ridiculously high standards, because that's somehow what both she and others have come to expect. I wouldn't change how she is, but sometimes I feel that it is a curse as well as a blessing.

You say that as if high achievers can't also be all the other things you've listed.
I've found generally high achievers are high performing in all areas including social behaviours.
Sorry to burst the bubble

Don't all dc do A-levels or equivalent though?

I was a high achieving child.

what people saw: 12 A*/A GCSEs, 5 A AS level and 4As in A level plus a musical theatre diploma alongside my A levels, first class honours degree and placed in my professional qualifications, fluent in another language (have lost it a lot now to be fair), high earner, amazing job, a class car…..

what is underneath: crippling type A personality and currently waiting on a mental health diagnosis, suicidal thoughts, pressure to be perfect, unable to sustain relationships, exceptional highs and lows, risking everything to be the best, calculating calories to a tee to look perfect

give me a happy just boggling along child anyday. Please trust me on that. Careful what you wish for and all that.

High achieving parents.

Or low achieving parents who feel like they haven’t reached their potential and put everything into their child and then the child is expected to perform.

Exactly. This is just like that thread about having parents of very low intelligence, which got a load of people frothing about how 'they'd rather have kind parents than clever ones' -- as if there's an inverse correlation between intelligence and kindness/compassion. There isn't. You can be thick and unkind. You can be brilliant and compassionate.

Yes. Although I often think this seems to back fire when they become teenagers.

what bubble?

No. You have to stay in education or training until 18 but it doesn't have to be A Level or equivalent. You may have to redo Level 2 ( gcse or equivalent again) or do an apprenticeship. About 40% of kids don't do L3 ( A Level)

As the old saying goes, the acorns rarely fall far from the tree.

Your kids are cut from the same cloth as you whereas the high achieving girl you mention has two high achieving, highly educated, wealthy parents who, I presume, are multilingual as well. You are comparing apples with oranges, I'm afraid.

Even with the best start in life - a stable happy home, nurturing encouraging parents and excellent roles models etc some kids find life harder than others.

My oldest is academically quite gifted, musical, a voracious reader and as a kid was very personable and chatty with adults. Underneath all that she had undiagnosed autism which she successfully masked until secondary school when friendships and relationships just became too difficult.

She ended up in crisis and was close to dropping out of school altogether. Life is better since the diagnosis and some good therapy and support and she is at Uni and doing well. I worry for her longer term as the world of work will be harder for her in many ways despite a comfy background and parents with high aspirations.

Not sure its as simple as that @AlcoholSwab my kids all cut from very much the same cloth are all very different in terms of achievement, drive, ambition etc.