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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my mother in law to look after kids one day a week

40 replies

lovemybabes · 03/04/2008 18:11

Hello

First off, I think my in laws are lovely grandparents and I want my children (DS 3 and DD 3 months) to be close to them.

But I absolutely love being a stay at home mum. My PIL want to look after my son, and in time my daughter, one day a week. I hate being tied down to this regular day, although I would happily have them spend time with them at weekends, in the summer when we all holiday together, irregularly in the week...

It's becoming a divorceable point with my husband as he doesn't support my desire to full-time mother and thinks they should go one day a week at least.

My mother and father fully respect and encourage my decision to full-time mother and have a great time with my kids on weekends/evenings.

I feel MIL is tryng to make up for the fact she worked as a mother and regretted a. working and b. not having more kids.

Thank you for your input! It's really getting me down at what should be such a special time.

OP posts:

LadySanders · 03/04/2008 18:13

your kids, your decision... simple as that!

Dropdeadfred · 03/04/2008 18:14

What would your dh want you to be doing whilst his parents have the dcs?

sarah293 · 03/04/2008 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lilQuidditchKel · 03/04/2008 18:17

perhaps a little compromise - you let the PIL get time with the grandkids for a day (or maybe a half day?) at a time when you mutually arrange in advance. Doesn't have to be same day each week. A bit of planning would be practical though for all concerned. This is how I work it with a babysitter I use and it's great to get a break from FT SAHM duties, on my terms!

Have a heart for the PIL too. They could just sincerely want to spend time with the next generation. Not such a bad thing, really...

Anna8888 · 03/04/2008 18:20

You are undoubtedly quite justified in wanting to keep your 3 month old DD to yourself every single day

However, maybe your 3 year old DS would enjoy a regular day out with his grandparents?

My stepsons have always spent Wednesday with their paternal grandparents, and when they were little they spent every Saturday night with their paternal grandparents too. They have a lovely close relationship with them, and it gives parents a break as well.

newgirl · 03/04/2008 18:23

I wonder why they have offered? Is it because they want to see the children or is it that they all think you need a change?

Sounds pretty good to me - you can go off to the gym/go for a walk/get jobs done etc

oranges · 03/04/2008 18:25

why would having they a day a week mean you are not a sahm?

oranges · 03/04/2008 18:25

why would pil having them a day a week mean you are not a sahm?

BetteNoir · 03/04/2008 18:25

I'm another one with very little RL support for childcare, and would have leapt at this opportunity when my DCs were little!

But you need to feel happy with whatever choices you make.

If you get on well with your ILs, and there is no concern over the level of care they would give to your children, I think it would be lovely to have some regular time to yourself.

Why don't you start with your son going for half a day every couple of weeks, and see how it goes?

Nothing need be set in stone, and it might adapt into a routine that is beneficial to all of you.

Iota · 03/04/2008 18:27

I would have loved this.

I had to pay a day nursery to give me a break

jellybeans · 03/04/2008 18:29

YANBU I was simelar when mine were little, I wanted to be with them most the time, I didn't need childcare. Just say thanks but no thanks and as long as they visit fairly often they will still have a relationship with their grandkids but not on a fixed schedule.

ecoworrier · 03/04/2008 18:31

I think you've got absolutely the right idea. Your husband's view sounds a bit odd - why 'should' they have a fixed day a week with their grandparents. Fine if both sides want that, but not if you really don't. Can you not have a flexible arrangement whereby every say couple of weeks they have the children for a few hours, half a day or the whole day if that's what you'd like.

It doesn't sound like you're trying to stop them having a good relationship with your children at all. If it's not want you want, I would really resist having to fix a regular slot, why should you. But, as long as you're happy with the general principle of them spending time alone with grandparents, I would try to come to some sort of irregular arrangement.

scottishmummy · 03/04/2008 18:34

imo dont say no outright.why burn your bridges or deny yourself a break. one day p/w isn't overly onerous. obviously try negotiate with mil. maybe initially oncer per month

as for your hunch about your MIL, i feel you are allowing that to cloud your judhgement. so what if she has thoughts about her choices? has she actually said this, or are you assuming. even if she has those thoughts does not render her a bad granny

she is wanting to be actively involved - what about this troubles you?

is MIL a nice lady or do you feel subtely undermined?

Are you afraid of being usurped?

you know you can be a mum and other stuff to, it does include scope for allowing other's in too

if it were your mum would you accept the offer or be reticent

Niecie · 03/04/2008 18:42

If you don't want to do this don't do it. They don't have a right to have your DC for a day a week. Great if you want them to go but as you clearly don't it isn't necessary.

I can't understand what your DH hopes to get from the children being cared from by somebody else. One day a week isn't really enough to get yourself a job if he objects that much to you being a SAHM and your youngest is really too young to be left anyway.

If they want to see more of your children can you not agree that you could go and visit them more during the week for a couple of hours.

We go and see my parents for an hour or so twice a week and the children have a great relationship with them and they help out if we need a baby sitter too. We don't need a formal arrangement with me out of the way for them to have that great relationship though. It all seems a little bit odd to me.

AbbeyA · 03/04/2008 18:43

I would say no to the set day a week but the occasional day or half day would be nice, it would give you chance to go to the hairdressers, dentist etc or even just the supermarket in peace. In the summer you could go out together for a picnic. I loved being a stay at home mother but it is still nice to get a bit of time to yourself.

waffletrees · 03/04/2008 18:49

I totally agree with you AbbeyA. I am a SAHM and would bite someones hand off if they could have the kids for an afternoon or morning a week. To not use up DH days off for my boring stuff (hairdressers etc) would be bliss.

OrmIrian · 03/04/2008 18:51

It sounds fantastic. Really ! But it has to be your decision. My parents have always had my DCs one day a week since my eldest was 3m old. But I have always worked. My parents loved it and so did the children. It helped them to build a relationship which is still strong today.

bubblagirl · 03/04/2008 18:51

i think you should do it just for few weeks its only one day you could get massage manicure hair done shopping in peace

my god i would love one day a week they can have my ds instead if they like

it is great but maybe you and dh could go see a film or have that day as a date maybe make it twice a month ,e and dp would kill for that we find it so hard to find willing participents so we can rekindle some romance

i dont think yabu but i think you should take advantage at least once a month or twice a month it doesnt make you selfish for having free time or make you look like you dont enjoy being a SAHM i love it but do crave one day to myself at times to get hair done or to just laze around all day watch a fil undisturbed

dont fight with dh he will see it as you having free time which he knows is important so come to a compromise and ask him if that can be your day together to do whatever you please

Roobie · 03/04/2008 18:53

I would resist the set day a week but compromise on some kind of flexible rolling arrangement whereby you arrange (or don't arrange, depending on how you feel) the following week's day at the end of the day.

DarthVader · 03/04/2008 18:56

Your call, but there are lots of advantages in working, particularly since no marriage is guarenteed to last forever...sorry to be the voice of warning!

blueshoes · 03/04/2008 18:56

lovemybabes, do you think your PIL having your dcs for one day is part of a subtle long term plot by your dh and his parents to get you back to work? Do you feel undermined in your choices?

FrannyandZooey · 03/04/2008 19:10

yes how about a compromise
would you be happy with them going once a fortnight?

kitsmummy · 03/04/2008 19:32

Why are you happy for them to be with grandparents at the weekend, but not during the week? Surely during the week would be better so a) you can get housework, shopping or even enjoyable stuff done and b) you can spend the weekends all together as a family. I'd jump at it if I was you, or maybe you could drop them off at 10am and pick them up at 3pm, give yourself a nice few hours off?

Journey · 03/04/2008 19:49

What a lovely "problem" to have! I can't believe it is getting you down. For goodness sake get a grip. Your DH must be totally fed up of it.

WinkyWinkola · 03/04/2008 19:58

Sounds like you already make an awful lot of effort for your DCs to see their GPs.

If you don't want to work and you don't have to, why should you?

Whoever looks after your children should make you happy. I don't think you should hand them over one day a week to make them happy. They already see loads of them.

Do what you want.

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