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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my mother in law to look after kids one day a week

40 replies

lovemybabes · 03/04/2008 18:11

Hello

First off, I think my in laws are lovely grandparents and I want my children (DS 3 and DD 3 months) to be close to them.

But I absolutely love being a stay at home mum. My PIL want to look after my son, and in time my daughter, one day a week. I hate being tied down to this regular day, although I would happily have them spend time with them at weekends, in the summer when we all holiday together, irregularly in the week...

It's becoming a divorceable point with my husband as he doesn't support my desire to full-time mother and thinks they should go one day a week at least.

My mother and father fully respect and encourage my decision to full-time mother and have a great time with my kids on weekends/evenings.

I feel MIL is tryng to make up for the fact she worked as a mother and regretted a. working and b. not having more kids.

Thank you for your input! It's really getting me down at what should be such a special time.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 03/04/2008 20:06

that's harsh Journey - noone likes to be forced to do domething regarding their children that goes against their natural instinct...i think we have to repect that the OP does not WANT this however welcome others might find it

Journey · 03/04/2008 20:17

Harsh - LOL!

If the OP doesn't want her PIL to look after her children she can just say no. She doesn't need to analyse why her mil wants to do it, and make it into a big issue.

NineUnlikelyTales · 03/04/2008 20:19

If you don't want them to go then don't let them (I wouldn't either and I love both sets of GP and so does DS). If it was a nursery saying that you should be sending your kids a day a week against your better judgement then you would tell them to stuff it. I don't see how it is different with GP. It is lovely of them to offer but it doesn't matter how many of us would/wouldn't jump at the chance, if you don't want to do it then why should you accept?

my2boys · 03/04/2008 20:27

I have this problem with my inlaws except they are very good at putting subtle pressure on me to "make more effort" for them to see my children by using the emotional blackmail card via my husband so in turn it upsets our household, because of this I am very reticent to allow them to take my children for a night or weekend. My kids 21 months and 3 yr enjoy company and like them as at their house they have lots of toys and she buys them little presents , they have 2 other gc who live near them. I personally would not like the idea of them regularly weekly coming up to spend time with them unless i had trouble with childcare whilst I work 2 days a week which they have done and have been fine with my children. They live 45 -60 mins away so I guess its impractically for them or me to come up every week but we do try and visit once a month which I think is reasonable but it is also expected and if you dont go for a few weeks i know about usually via my husband which i feel is very bad form on their behalf. Always go with what you feel is right for you and if you are not sure you could always try and if you didnt enjoy free time away from them at the moment so could puts thinks on hold until you are happy with it. I think your husband should leave it to you and be contented with your decision even if he thinks it right or wrong. I sometimes feel very pressured to do what my husband says with regards to this and when I have left them with his parents reluctantly nothing dramatic has happened to tham and my children enjoy themselves and I have had a day to refresh and chill out a bit !

AbbeyA · 03/04/2008 21:51

I think the problem really is that your DH doesn't want you to be a SAHM, perhaps that is what you need to sort out.

Elasticwoman · 03/04/2008 22:00

YANBU. 3 mos far too young. If you are bf, even more unreasonable.

CescaD · 03/04/2008 22:22

YANBU You've got to go with your instincts.

Janni · 03/04/2008 22:27

A divorceable point??

There's more going on here, I would say.

I can't see any problem with your PILs having a regular time with your 3 year old, working around his eg nursery commitments.

It's absolutely right that you decide about the baby.

Do you feel pressurised to go back to work if your PILs help with childcare?

MsHighwater · 03/04/2008 23:06

The fact that you and your dh have not resolved the issue of whether you should go back to work or not sounds like a bigger issue to me.

Wilston · 20/05/2023 09:51

Hi all,
so just wanted to vent and have some other views on my problem.
so I have two lil ones! My OH mum has never really bothered with either of my kids much, only when she free and seems like when she comes we’re more a stop gap in her day and she can only spare an hour or 2 and then she rushes off!
so my OH went to see her with our DS and she said that she wants to have them once a week when I go back to work.

my mum has been having my first (DD) for 3 days a week since I went back to work with my first! She is consistent and the plan is for my DS to go to her too until he qualifies for nursery hours. She is always available if I need her to be and my kids have built such a good attachment with her my daughter is 3 this year and lil one will be 9 months old when I go back.

so I said to my OH not really as she can’t seem to commit to a couple of hours a week to see them! I have been off on maternity for 9 months nearly and she has hardly seen/been and she only lives up the road (20 mins away). She hasn’t seen/been in 4 weeks because she’s so ‘busy’ she doesn’t work or anything and doesn’t have any real commitments she just a bit of faffer! Don’t get me wrong shes a nice women and I get on with her well, however she is always late when she does come and see us and I don’t mean a few minutes I mean an hour or more every time!

so recently her 2 of her horses have passed away and seems like now she suddenly wants to fill her time! I have already agreed with my mum for her to have them on the 3 days.
otherwise mum said she will go get a job on the days that’s she is not needed. So my issue is if I say yes you can have the kids on a certain day and she suddenly can’t or she’s too busy I will be buggered for childcare!
plus I feel like she hasn’t really made any effort or shown any commitment the entire time I’ve been off on maternity and the kids don’t really have a proper bond. She couldn’t tell you what they like for example even though I tell her what my DD is into at the time doesn’t seem to sink in. And she also uses language like ‘ba’ba to my 3 year old which drives me insane!
so yes am I wrong in saying no?
thanks :)

JudgeJ · 20/05/2023 19:35

I wonder where the children are, 15 years later????????????????

Aprilx · 20/05/2023 19:44

@Wilston

You need yo start your own thread.

MojacaSunset · 20/05/2023 19:45

Your decision but I was a SAHM and my children regularly spent time in the week with both sets of grandparents, individually and together. They all loved it and built up a close bond.
We did lots of family things on weekends and had more time as we didn't have the pressure to visit family.
I really feel sorry for your inlaws.

MojacaSunset · 20/05/2023 19:48

Shit... Another Zombie!!!!

Why do people do this and why don't mumsnet prevent it?????

Wilston · 20/05/2023 22:26

Sadly I can’t afford to be a sahm. Why do you feel sorry for the in-laws?

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