To expect fairness with my adult siblings?

[JJ132]

Hi all,

I am one of four adult children. Over the past decade my youngest brother has received a lot of financial support (as well as time and emotional support) from my parents. For example:

• Two years ago, my parents bought a property outright for him costing £500,000. In the past decade, myself and the other two siblings were all given very generous gifts of £125,000 each to get us on the property ladder (at the time we were told that we would receive the same amount "in the interests of fairness"). I know these are very significant amounts of money, so please don't see this as a complaint(!), but it's more about the issue of fairness.
• In the last decade my little brother has had several jobs but has had his car payments, mobile phone, and other expenses paid for by my parents. He has had regular holidays abroad with friends, many of these also being funded by my parents.
• He was in a stable job but has recently left it, and has decided to go travelling for three months. This is being funded by the rent money from tenants in the property that was bought for him.

I have three main concerns:
(i) The principle of fairness: am I wrong to feel pretty hurt that we seem to have been treated differently compared to our youngest brother?
(ii) That my little brother is taking advantage of my parents: Any time where I have even hinted that my parents are indulging or enabling my brother's lavish lifestyle have not gone down well, and indeed they seemed to act more cooly with me for some weeks afterwards. I am concerned that this kind of lifestyle will not change any time soon.
(iii) Retirement funds: I am concerned that my parents may not have enough money to support themselves in retirement. My dad was planning to retire this year but has already pushed back that date (he's a self-employed businessman), due in part to the higher financial costs that he has incurred in recent years supporting my brother.

I love and respect my parents, and most of the time we get on really well. But communication with them concerning my youngest brother has become quite fraught – for example, I have never even mentioned to them how hurtful it was to us when he had the expensive property bought for him. It is worth mentioning that my little brother has had mental health issues over the past ten years, which is why I think they have tended to be softer towards him.

Am I being unreasonable?? I really appreciate your advice. Thanks,

JJ132

Yes, YABU. The youngest sibling needs more financial support because older ones have had more advantages. Buying a home for instance. House prices have increased steadily for three decades. If I'd have been born when my brother was, I could have bought a house when he did. But being born a few years later meant it was impossible to buy at the same age, indeed it was an ever-moving target and always just out of reach.

Yanbu that’s a considerable amount of money!!

Thanks for your message Dotjones.

Just wanting to point out that the age difference is only 4 years between me and youngest brother, and the difference in time between the two properties being bought is only around 5 years. Would that make any difference to your answer at all?

Thanks again!

How your parents choose to spend their money is none of your business. You are not entitled to their money, regardless of how much they might give to another sibling. Call it unfair, but it is what it is.

Re the house YABU

If you factor in what £125k would be today and if you factor in the amount by which the housing market has increased you may be surprised to find they have funded him equivalent to what the older siblings were funded.

The rest is a choice and their choice.

Has your younger brother been a regular cannabis user? It often triggers mental health issues in people predisposed to them.

Yep, I’m in similar situation so can sympathise. Younger sibling has some issues with an illness (don’t want to say too much as terrified of being outed!) think autism type thing. However, he holds down a job and I found out recently is paid nearly as much as me - b fact more. Parents pay half his mortgage, all maintenance on his house, I also know they pay for bits and bobs like train tickets etc. he’s basically got loads of handouts from them over the years and now effectively lives mortgage free in an expensive part of the county. He also goes on holidays etc. we are comfortably off but due to huge mortgage, massive childcare bills (we get no support with childcare) haven’t been able to afford holiday for a few years. I don’t want to sound like a sob story as we are both privileged and have benefitted from inheritance, also due to illness he doesn’t have to ability to hold down a job in the same way as I do iyswim…although they’ve managed so far! So what I’m saying is I keep my mouth firmly shut but I get it!

My brother has had way more financial support from our parents than me because he needs it. They don't need to give me the same amounts for "fairness" - that's a child's understanding of fairness.

If we had the same earnings or opportunities I'd probably be annoyed if they gave him loads of stuff just because he was the favourite.

I think it’s best to just leave the fairness out of it. It’s not fair, it never will be, who knows why your parents favor your younger brother (I guess his mental health issues, as they must feel some kind of guilt about them for some reason) and no one else.

What DOES matter is if they’re spending so much that their whole retirement is at risk. Now, if they’ve got long term care insurance, or something paid to allow themselves to stay at home, lovely. Problem solved. But if they spent it all on your younger brother AND expect YOU to take care of them when they have no money left, that’s a non-starter. Your youngest brother needs to take care of them. Or, they need to make plans starting now for that time.

Good luck.

Hi BetterifIdo, that's so helpful, thanks for sharing your perspective. And sorry to hear that you've had a similar kind of experience!

I really am so grateful for all of the support that I've received from my parents over the years – it's not about the money so much as thinking through how I should process the way I'm feeling about my wider family and my own place in it. I feel like any subtle communication of my concerns is dismissed, and that my parents side with my little brother.

But I don't know, perhaps I need to just adjust to the way things are now, and keep my mouth shut! Any other advice for processing things / moving past this?

I feel like any subtle communication of my concerns is dismissed

As it should be, frankly. Questioning how your parents spend their money is really inappropriate.

My kids are both independent adults, and my husband and I treat them both on occasion as we see fit. I would never tolerate one of them challenging me as to how I spend my money or live my life. They would be pulled up on that sharpish.

You have simply got to let this go and hold your tongue.

It sounds like your brother gets far too much. You sound quite ungrateful banging on it being unfair. You have received a huge amount from your parents, try and look at how fortunate you have been rather than complaining that your brother got more. If I were your parents and knew how you felt, I would be disappointed in you and how I had raised you.

I suspect you don't even know the half of what your brother has gone through, and why he's being treated the way he is.

Fair doesn't mean treating everyone the same.

It is unfair. I guess they look on him as being vulnerable and are doing all they can to protect him in life. Your brother is sucking it up as its advantageous to him.
Same thing happens in my family with my brother. It really is infuriating and has led to me actively disliking my brother. He is a leech.

I’m afraid YABU - how your parents choose to spend their money is none of your business.

MN tend to hold this hypothetical view. I think in real life it would be very different it's the sheer principle I wouldn't want a rift between my kids. Jealousy is a valid feeling in situations like these it's only natural no matter how you want to say be grateful!.

Exactly this. I don’t know why some parents don’t realise this is bound to cause problems. I’ve seen it happen in families where the feckless adult child is rewarded with being bailed out time and time again, whilst the careful one is penalised for being sensible with their money.

It’s inevitable that it’s difficult to talk to your parents about your brother, because it’s none of your business.

You can tell them you feel hurt, but you can’t tell them you’re concerned about how they’re going to pay for their retirement because of your brother and you can’t complain that they have spent more on home. They don’t have to justify these choices to you.

They sound like loving and supportive parents that are doing doing more for one than the others because the need is greater. It’s very difficult and worrying to have an adult son or daughter with mental health problems and they’re just trying to help.

@JJ132 its a hard one as I don’t think you can say much…I tend to justify it and help myself feel better by reminding myself of the reasons they are doing it. In many ways siblings life is hard, even being mortgage free and I have a lot more advantages. If they paid my mortgage it would be the icing on the cake of an already very nice life. With him I guess it’s just helping him get by and protecting against an uncertain future. That said, as a mum myself now, I would deal with it differently than they are. I would try and be financially fair to be honest, and if I was going to help one more than the other I would site the other down and explain the reasons why. Talk to them all. I wouldn’t brush it under the carpet like mine do. Hard to explain really. It’s also a big thing that in the future I will probably end up being the one to organise care for them if needed. And who is going to financially take the hit (although they are sensible and have lots of savings so a different position to you!)

Gah this is a difficult one op!

On the one hand, in principle, I am convinced that parents should be strictly fair when it comes to Time, money, attention etc towards their adult dc, even if the dc are living in different financial circumstances, that is, they all get the same even if one is a sahm married to a millionaire and another is single, earning a minimum wage.

This is because money, time and attention become interpreted as love, and if you don’t ration those things out exactly the same, then adult dc tend to think that their parents level of love for them is not the same either. I’ve seen families really pulled apart by this.

However, the minute serious illness rears it’s ugly head, whether that be physical or mental ill health, which negatively impacts on earning potential, then things may need to change out of necessity. For example, at one extreme, if an adult child has a serious car accident involving a spinal injury, then it’s obvious more family resources will be poured in to them far exceeding what the other siblings receive.

Here though op, you don’t know if this is a case of “golden child” or if your parent’s interventions are justified, in other words, you may not be privy to the extent of your brother’s mh issues, or if your brother is exploiting your parents?

Even if you do know what you are dealing with, beyond having a discreet word with your parents which has not gone down well, what can you do? It’s their money and they are of sound mind. That’s a huge amount of money to give away though!

I can understand why you feel hurt and I would advise focusing on your own career and earning potential because it sounds like your parents will not have much money left to leave you in their will. And certainly get proper financial advice when that time comes.

This doesn’t sound at all fair 🌷

I never said jealousy isn't a valid thing to feel. Regardless of how the op feels, it doesn't change the fact that she is not entitled to dictate or comment upon how her parents spend their money. Equally, the parents will have to deal with the possible consequences with how their other children feel about it.

So I agree with what others have said about no entitlement and all that but one thing irks me....

Your dad has delayed his retirement, and the sibling has decided to jog off on a 3 month holiday living it up funded by the rental from the property bought by your parents? Brother sounds like a bit of a dick. I'd be making sure my parents were sorted and could fund their retirement never mind jogging off on a big long jolly. He needs to reevaluate his choices and maybe offer those funds to dad so he can retire.

I really hate responses like this .

OP you have every right to feel aggrieved, I just don't understand parents who treat offspring differently. It only ever leads to upset , bad feeling and falling out

You are justified in feeling hurt and often these sort of inequalities come with a long history of one sibling always being favoured. I think it’s really easy for parents to avoid this by being proportionate and transparent, so that it is crystal clear that they love and esteem all their children equally (if indeed they do, and I think often the fact that they actually do prefer one child is the problem).

In this case, your DB may have needed more help, support and sometimes money due to his health problems. I’d be surprised though if the £500k house, holidays etc etc were really a reasonable and proportionate amount of help to his need. If your parents had supported him by taking him to hospital appointments and paying for therapy I don’t suppose you’d be so resentful.

Ultimately though OP, you’ve tried to bring it up and your DPs have a blind spot. Have you asked how your other siblings feel? Imo the best way to deal with this stuff is to talk about it. They don’t have to do what you want or agree it’s unfair but equally you’re not obliged to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. I would also talk about it with your favoured brother, otherwise it will ruin your relationship. Just get it out in the open.

I’m in a similar situation. I do really question if they love me as much as they love my siblings.