To expect fairness with my adult siblings?

[JJ132]

Hi all,

I am one of four adult children. Over the past decade my youngest brother has received a lot of financial support (as well as time and emotional support) from my parents. For example:

• Two years ago, my parents bought a property outright for him costing £500,000. In the past decade, myself and the other two siblings were all given very generous gifts of £125,000 each to get us on the property ladder (at the time we were told that we would receive the same amount "in the interests of fairness"). I know these are very significant amounts of money, so please don't see this as a complaint(!), but it's more about the issue of fairness.
• In the last decade my little brother has had several jobs but has had his car payments, mobile phone, and other expenses paid for by my parents. He has had regular holidays abroad with friends, many of these also being funded by my parents.
• He was in a stable job but has recently left it, and has decided to go travelling for three months. This is being funded by the rent money from tenants in the property that was bought for him.

I have three main concerns:
(i) The principle of fairness: am I wrong to feel pretty hurt that we seem to have been treated differently compared to our youngest brother?
(ii) That my little brother is taking advantage of my parents: Any time where I have even hinted that my parents are indulging or enabling my brother's lavish lifestyle have not gone down well, and indeed they seemed to act more cooly with me for some weeks afterwards. I am concerned that this kind of lifestyle will not change any time soon.
(iii) Retirement funds: I am concerned that my parents may not have enough money to support themselves in retirement. My dad was planning to retire this year but has already pushed back that date (he's a self-employed businessman), due in part to the higher financial costs that he has incurred in recent years supporting my brother.

I love and respect my parents, and most of the time we get on really well. But communication with them concerning my youngest brother has become quite fraught – for example, I have never even mentioned to them how hurtful it was to us when he had the expensive property bought for him. It is worth mentioning that my little brother has had mental health issues over the past ten years, which is why I think they have tended to be softer towards him.

Am I being unreasonable?? I really appreciate your advice. Thanks,

JJ132

Well the general Mumsnet response to these things seems to be that is that it's your parents money to do with what they wish and if they were to bankrupt themselves giving every last penny to fund fast cars, drugs and sex workers for your brother while literally leaving you to starve, you have absolutely no right whatsoever to complain. Personally I think it's not on. What do your other two siblings think of this? If your dad genuinely has had to postpone his retirement in order to fund little brother's choice not to work I think it would be reasonable to say something. Absolutely disgraceful of your brother to do that.

I can see how you would feel it unfair as the amounts given to you and your sibling vary and the house was bought outright for your sibling allowing them to live mortgage free which is an enormous blessing.

The thing is if your parents had given you both the money at the same time and it was so vastly different it would be understandable to question them. But that is not the case here. Also your sibling is vulnerable due to health issues and hence it might be the reason that your parents want to safeguard him and ensure he has a home if he struggles to work. Ultimately it is their money and therefore they get to choose what they do with it.

I have one sibling and the age gap is 2 years. When my sibling bought a house in 2007 my parents gave my sibling the equivalent of £30K, my sibling and parents live abroad. When I bought a house in 2019 my parents gave us £80K. My sibling is aware and was only happy. Later in 2022 when my sibling was purchasing a third property my parents again gave my sibling £20K as there was a small shortfall and they needed that amount. Financially my sibling is very wealthy with a very good job, equivalent of £300K plus annual income( that is just sibling and not her DH who has his own business and earns similar. Neither my DH or I are in the same league, our total annual income is around £190K from professional full time work. My parents help us as and when we need and for that we are forever grateful. They have never bought us exactly equal but whenever we need they step in and help.

It’s just too much of a difference 125 vs 500k

Ppl saying it the house market has changed, yes maybe in 20 years you would see that difference. Plus op has dc, that is expensive.

A slight amount more ok fine but yes, yanbu

OP try and focus on your own life and feel grateful for the incredible amount of money you was given.

House prices changes over three decades justify unfair treatment of siblings 4 years apart?

You mention your brothers mental health struggles almost as an afterthought. Have a brother in this situation. My parents secured his future by buying him a house. Have never had a penny from my parents. Have never resented what they have generously provided for my darling brother. He is unable to hold down a job or a relationship and am so glad he has been given stable housing as he has so little else in his life. Be glad your parents have advocated for the vulnerable person in your family. Be thankful for what you have been given. Be bigger than this and think about what lengths you might go to if one of your own children was the outlier in your own family

‘The principle of fairness’ . Why does ‘fairness’ always have to mean getting the exact same amount of
money? Why can’t it mean

500k + mental illness struggles = 125k + good mental health

On the other hand MN as a whole seem to believe in the "all children must be treated the same way. Everything must be equal". Whilst a nice enough thought, it isn't always sustainable in real life healthy relationships. How many times do we hear "I parented them the same so it can't be me" Families are far more nuanced than that. I am blown away every single time I read a thread like this because my kids would NEVER ask about my money and how it is spent or consider they have any say in it with a view to what they'll get.

People get hung up on equal rather than equitable. Now I have no idea what is really going on here with the brother but I'm not sure I'd be upset if I benefitted by receiving what I needed at the time I needed it. Mental health issues are the wild card here. There are post after post after post of women (generally) who can't work due to their 'mental health' Can't go out...mental health..... Can't make decisions/meet basic needs/stand up for oneself because.. 'mental heatlh'. That never seems to translate to threads like this
We don't really know that extent of what is going on with the brother with MH issues because that definitely plays a part in whether this is flat out favouritism or the parents attempt at an equitable approach. That may mean brother benefits more now whilst you and your siblings benefit later 🤷‍♀️

OP is about unfairness, not entitlement, so this comment is pointless.

We can't know the details, I agree. But when we're talking hundreds of thousands of pounds, it's not about need or equity because all needs are met. It really is about equality.

It's a perfect example of that.

In adulthood, nobody has a claim to anyone else's money or resources. Agreed.

This doesn't make parents of 4 adults giving much more to 1 of them than the other 3 any less unfair. It is unfair and the other 3 adult children are permitted to have feelings about that.

I think unfairness is likely to harm mental health, tbh. If I felt that my parents cared more about my sibling than me, that would impact my self esteem.

Now, money isn't 'care' exactly, but in general, if my parents were more committed to providing for my brother than for me, I'd have a hard time trying not to internalise that.

Well your db is happy to take the huge handout so he is the unfair one in this.

However you should not be quizzing your parents over their spending. It’s really rude.

My db had lots from my dm over the years, she never told us at the time and it would come out when his dw was not speaking to my dm.

@JJ132 When you get to my age, 60’s, you won’t care.