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Original poster

Friendship drifted - was it my fault?

73 replies

Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:06

I met a friend at uni 20 years ago and we became close. After uni we stayed in touch, had graduation meal together and she was at my wedding etc

She'd mentioned a few health issues back then but was quite vague about it and it didn't seem like a topic she liked to discuss so I didn't pry. She also attended class/ nights out like everyone else so had no indication of anything serious.

Fast forward a few years and her health worsened. Turns out she'd had a long term chronic condition all along that was becoming increasingly difficult to manage.

We lived in separate countries at this point but still kept in touch. Although I often felt like I was saying the wrong thing as she'd go on about how healthy people couldn't understand and mention how other friends had fallen away due to this. I was determined not to be one of those friends and I tried to make an effort - flew out to see her etc

However My own life then became more complex, a nasty divorce and another friend who lived nearby got diagnosed with cancer and I had to support her through that as she had no family nearby. Contact with other friend lessened a bit, plus she wasn't nearby.

Over the next two years I focused a lot on friend with cancer and trying to get my life back on track after divorce. I kept in touch more sporadically with my other friend and admit I probably could have done more - her health was worsening culminating in hospitalisation but around that same time my friend with cancer sadly died.

I'll just go ahead and admit that having watched one friend deteriorate and die over two years, I just could face getting more involved again with my other friend who was in hospital with her chronic condition, now so bad she was also at risk of death (although I only found out how serious it was much later on). I just couldn't deal with it and was not in a good place mentally that year. I ended up in therapy after not grieving my cancer friend properly and starting to have massive panic attacks.

She luckily got better after many months and we reconnected over text a bit after she was out of hospital and exchanged messages every few months. We couldn't meet at this point as it wasn't possible due to her condition but the intention was to see eachother again eventually. We still sent nice texts at this point, birthday messages, wishing eachother well for new endeavours.

However, her messages then stopped after I announced my pregnancy. I got a congrats but any further attempts from me to chat were met with very short and limiting replies. She clearly didn't want to know about my life anymore and I wanted to be respectful as I know this can happen sometimes with pregnancy news (she can't have children).

She's now a campaigner/ influencer for her particular health condition (which I'm not naming as outing) and sometimes does podcasts/ guest blogs to discuss it.

Last week she shared a new interview with a very well known website where she talked about her condition, life and referenced friends that had drifted away - obviously no names mentioned but with the timeline and the context I'm pretty sure one of them was me (she referenced several)

It's knocked me for six and sent me into a terrible spiral of feeling like an awful friend who wasn't there for her. I messaged her after I read it to apologise profusely, explain life was difficult for me at time and her reply wasn't exactly horrible but made it clear that we're done but 'she won't hold things against me'.

I want stop feeling bad about it all as I never set out to deliberately hurt anyone but her words have cut deep and shook me a lot. I wish I wasn't this affected by others words and opinion of me.

OP posts:
Hotttchoc · 12/05/2024 22:10

It sounds like you weren't there for her. You clearly had other things going on but it doesn't change the fact that she did too and you weren't there.

Namenamchange · 12/05/2024 22:14

Doesn’t sound like a mutual friendship, more a friendship where you support her unconditionally.

Shimmyshimm · 12/05/2024 22:14

I think it sounds like you did your best at the time, you probably weren't there for her in the way she wanted but it doesn't sound like you were really able to be. Friendships drift for all sorts of reasons, many more superficial than the reasons you've mentioned. I think you need to try and forgive yourself and move on.

Namenamchange · 12/05/2024 22:16

What support did she offer you when your friend was ill and died?

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:17

Namenamchange · 12/05/2024 22:14

Doesn’t sound like a mutual friendship, more a friendship where you support her unconditionally.

It started to feel like that at certain points. When we reconnected after she came out of hospital, her condition was the main topic. I didn't feel like I could talk too much about my life in case I offended her.

OP posts:
existentialpain · 12/05/2024 22:18

You did the best you could with what you had on your own plate at the time. You shouldn't beat yourself up for being human and having your own life stuff and limitations. Plus it sounds like you did reconnect but very sadly she couldn't cope with you having a baby which led to her decision to end the friendship. That's not your fault, that's a decision she made due to own emotional pain.

I don't think there's any right or wrongs here. You were a friend to her even though she lives so far away. Friendships aren't static, ebb and flow and sometimes strange dramatically as life goes on because people change, shit happens.

Allow yourself to grieve for the friendship because it's a loss like any other. But try not to beat yourself up because you did your best.

CarolineFields · 12/05/2024 22:18

You don't owe her anything, you have tried to be her friend within your own resources. She is the one that backed off. I think you sound like a lovely friend. I have cancer, and one of my worries is that friends will over-commit themselves to me because of my condition. I don't want that - I want them to be offering only what they can in terms of their personal resources, and I also want to still be able to offer back. it is still two way, even if one person is ill.

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:18

Namenamchange · 12/05/2024 22:16

What support did she offer you when your friend was ill and died?

None. She was ill herself so probably couldn't have done much at the time but even later on it was never mentioned or acknowledged

OP posts:
JamesPringle · 12/05/2024 22:20

Be a bit kinder to yourself OP. Losing your friend to cancer after supporting her must have been very sad and traumatic for you. You probably just wouldn't have been able to do any more at that time, simple as that. Just because you (I presume) had good health, it doesn't mean that you have an endless supply of energy to give others all the time.

I can understand how hearing the podcast must have been very jarring, but actually I don't think it was very classy of her to do that, given that at that time, you were grieving.

Hugs x

HaystackHair · 12/05/2024 22:22

I think she's being very unreasonable, due to her own understandable bitterness. It's not fair to you though - you can only do what you can do, of course you prioritised your dying friend. She seems to be lashing out unfairly and I'd try very hard not to take it personally.

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:23

JamesPringle · 12/05/2024 22:20

Be a bit kinder to yourself OP. Losing your friend to cancer after supporting her must have been very sad and traumatic for you. You probably just wouldn't have been able to do any more at that time, simple as that. Just because you (I presume) had good health, it doesn't mean that you have an endless supply of energy to give others all the time.

I can understand how hearing the podcast must have been very jarring, but actually I don't think it was very classy of her to do that, given that at that time, you were grieving.

Hugs x

Her remarks on podcast just felt very pointed. I can't be too specific but the way she worded it, it was like she was hoping I would hear it and get the message and know it was about me. Well, I got the message alright.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 12/05/2024 22:27

Hi OP

IMO, your ex mate is the one that has drifted This could be because of her new life as a champion/infuuencer and in turn making new mates online, phone etc that have the same condition and or their OH has

People do move on and from what you said, you've done nothing wrong

I hope you get over this soon

pootlin · 12/05/2024 22:27

Namenamchange · 12/05/2024 22:14

Doesn’t sound like a mutual friendship, more a friendship where you support her unconditionally.

This.

I think women are socialised into feeling like they have to be there for others and feeling immense guilt if they’re not.

I have the guilt of only seeing my mother twice a week, not seeing an uncle and aunt often enough to suit them and not arranging to meet friends often enough. I’m so tired of always feeling guilty.

IgnoranceNotOk · 12/05/2024 22:29

Oh OP this is horrible. YANBU
A friendship had to be a 2 way thing and you were there for her and messaging even when in a different country and going through a divorce plus your friend being ill for a long time and then dying. It’s fine that she couldn’t give you much support but could have checked in with how you were too but she also shouldn’t be expecting so much from you and blame you for anything.

I had a friend similar to this with a chronic illness and I made so much effort and listened and when out of my way to see her. But when things were tough for me, she was not there for me at all and after I’d told her I was pregnant (didn’t tell anyone when the IVF started even though everyone knew we’d need it) she said ‘oh didn’t need the IVF then!’
I tried for a while longer but everything was always on her terms and about her so in the end I decided to stop trying too and when she was flaky and let me down I stopped rearranging again and again.

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:30

pootlin · 12/05/2024 22:27

This.

I think women are socialised into feeling like they have to be there for others and feeling immense guilt if they’re not.

I have the guilt of only seeing my mother twice a week, not seeing an uncle and aunt often enough to suit them and not arranging to meet friends often enough. I’m so tired of always feeling guilty.

Show quote history

Yes I'm sick of always feeling guilty and like I'm not a good enough friend/ mother/ colleague etc

I've felt more guilt generally since having DS and always worried about letting others down, not just him

The fact she put this on a podcast has just magnified this feeling

OP posts:
thaisweetchill · 12/05/2024 22:31

OP, it's easy for me to say you shouldn't feel bad, but you shouldn't.

Obviously there's two sides to a story but the way it comes across is that's she's quite self centred. Did she instigate effort from her side or did you mostly contact her? If it was mostly you then there's not much more you could have done.

If she was reaching out to you saying she was struggling, wanted to meet up or you were ignoring her messages/being slow at responding etc I would get it from her side but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

The friendship is now over but try not to dwell, we all have issues and friendship is understanding that. You can't drop everything for someone just to prove how good of a friend you are. Doesn't sound like she was a great friend here and I would try and move on with your life.

I hope you're doing okay after your friend passing.

pizzaHeart · 12/05/2024 22:32

I think your friend have quite unrealistic expectations about friendships. You lived in different countries. Your relationship couldn’t have been frequent or intense at least because of this fact, then you went through difficult times yourself.
I understand that she has chronic health condition but you not having this chronic health condition don’t equal you not having difficulties in life, and these difficulties can be very serious e.g divorce. Your friend wasn’t very empathetic towards you.
I also wonder if your friend made her narrative a bit different to make a point in her podcast. Not towards you personally but she needed more negative story to get more emotional response. It’s a bit like when you are applying for DLA for your child you always are advised to describe the worst day not the best.

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:33

IgnoranceNotOk · 12/05/2024 22:29

Oh OP this is horrible. YANBU
A friendship had to be a 2 way thing and you were there for her and messaging even when in a different country and going through a divorce plus your friend being ill for a long time and then dying. It’s fine that she couldn’t give you much support but could have checked in with how you were too but she also shouldn’t be expecting so much from you and blame you for anything.

I had a friend similar to this with a chronic illness and I made so much effort and listened and when out of my way to see her. But when things were tough for me, she was not there for me at all and after I’d told her I was pregnant (didn’t tell anyone when the IVF started even though everyone knew we’d need it) she said ‘oh didn’t need the IVF then!’
I tried for a while longer but everything was always on her terms and about her so in the end I decided to stop trying too and when she was flaky and let me down I stopped rearranging again and again.

It didn't really feel like two way street towards the end. It was always about her and her condition and I found myself watching everything I said so as not to offend or say the wrong thing

Not really a great basis for a lasting friendship

I'm just so sad as she was a big part of my uni experience

OP posts:
Onabench · 12/05/2024 22:35

OP you will both have very different perspectives on this and maybe neither of you are wrong. Both of you can be valid. I think it is just time to move on from the friendship

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:36

pizzaHeart · 12/05/2024 22:32

I think your friend have quite unrealistic expectations about friendships. You lived in different countries. Your relationship couldn’t have been frequent or intense at least because of this fact, then you went through difficult times yourself.
I understand that she has chronic health condition but you not having this chronic health condition don’t equal you not having difficulties in life, and these difficulties can be very serious e.g divorce. Your friend wasn’t very empathetic towards you.
I also wonder if your friend made her narrative a bit different to make a point in her podcast. Not towards you personally but she needed more negative story to get more emotional response. It’s a bit like when you are applying for DLA for your child you always are advised to describe the worst day not the best.

Your point about narrative makes a lot of sense. She has a whole story around her condition now and has become a bit of a personal brand and I think the 'My friends all abandoned me' line is a key part of it.

OP posts:
IgnoranceNotOk · 12/05/2024 22:36

Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:33

It didn't really feel like two way street towards the end. It was always about her and her condition and I found myself watching everything I said so as not to offend or say the wrong thing

Not really a great basis for a lasting friendship

I'm just so sad as she was a big part of my uni experience

Show quote history

you can still keep the uni memories and the friendship being so far away should have been a way to just get in touch every now and then without so much pressure.

Try to remember the good times at uni and wish her well.

Pinkypinkyplonk · 12/05/2024 22:47

I agree, people can get far too wrapped up in themselves and their own wants to consider anyone else. She sounds very woe me, especially now that she has a following. You did what you could. Now you need to let this go knowing you did nothing wrong. This is on her and her unreasonable expectation of friendship.

Guavafish1 · 12/05/2024 22:48

its difficult to maintain friendship even when your in the same country.

I can understand your friend being upset. its difficult for her living a chronic disease that can kill. It's said also seeing her friendship progress with life milestones.

There not much you can say to her... except the truth...

It's hard when friendship end like this..can be worse than relationship with partners.

I've had 3 friendships ending a negative manner and they had real impact on my life especially the first!

Original poster
Cwestional · 12/05/2024 22:54

I've been looking back at our messages over the years all day trying to see what I could have done better and my memory wasnt great about the contact wed had. I was in regular contact with her right up until she was hospitalised when everything went quiet for a few months (as I didn't know she was in hospital and this was exact time other friend died too)

as soon as I did find out she was in hospital a few months later I was straight back in contact and we chatted when we could, until she started her campaigner work a year later and had a greater presence online - maybe that has played its part.

OP posts:
Pinkypinkyplonk · 12/05/2024 22:58

I wonder if she’s enjoying feeling like she has this hold over you? Don’t waste any more energy on it