Friendship drifted - was it my fault?

[Cwestional]

I met a friend at uni 20 years ago and we became close. After uni we stayed in touch, had graduation meal together and she was at my wedding etc

She'd mentioned a few health issues back then but was quite vague about it and it didn't seem like a topic she liked to discuss so I didn't pry. She also attended class/ nights out like everyone else so had no indication of anything serious.

Fast forward a few years and her health worsened. Turns out she'd had a long term chronic condition all along that was becoming increasingly difficult to manage.

We lived in separate countries at this point but still kept in touch. Although I often felt like I was saying the wrong thing as she'd go on about how healthy people couldn't understand and mention how other friends had fallen away due to this. I was determined not to be one of those friends and I tried to make an effort - flew out to see her etc

However My own life then became more complex, a nasty divorce and another friend who lived nearby got diagnosed with cancer and I had to support her through that as she had no family nearby. Contact with other friend lessened a bit, plus she wasn't nearby.

Over the next two years I focused a lot on friend with cancer and trying to get my life back on track after divorce. I kept in touch more sporadically with my other friend and admit I probably could have done more - her health was worsening culminating in hospitalisation but around that same time my friend with cancer sadly died.

I'll just go ahead and admit that having watched one friend deteriorate and die over two years, I just could face getting more involved again with my other friend who was in hospital with her chronic condition, now so bad she was also at risk of death (although I only found out how serious it was much later on). I just couldn't deal with it and was not in a good place mentally that year. I ended up in therapy after not grieving my cancer friend properly and starting to have massive panic attacks.

She luckily got better after many months and we reconnected over text a bit after she was out of hospital and exchanged messages every few months. We couldn't meet at this point as it wasn't possible due to her condition but the intention was to see eachother again eventually. We still sent nice texts at this point, birthday messages, wishing eachother well for new endeavours.

However, her messages then stopped after I announced my pregnancy. I got a congrats but any further attempts from me to chat were met with very short and limiting replies. She clearly didn't want to know about my life anymore and I wanted to be respectful as I know this can happen sometimes with pregnancy news (she can't have children).

She's now a campaigner/ influencer for her particular health condition (which I'm not naming as outing) and sometimes does podcasts/ guest blogs to discuss it.

Last week she shared a new interview with a very well known website where she talked about her condition, life and referenced friends that had drifted away - obviously no names mentioned but with the timeline and the context I'm pretty sure one of them was me (she referenced several)

It's knocked me for six and sent me into a terrible spiral of feeling like an awful friend who wasn't there for her. I messaged her after I read it to apologise profusely, explain life was difficult for me at time and her reply wasn't exactly horrible but made it clear that we're done but 'she won't hold things against me'.

I want stop feeling bad about it all as I never set out to deliberately hurt anyone but her words have cut deep and shook me a lot. I wish I wasn't this affected by others words and opinion of me.

Hi OP.

It's tough one because I have been on both sides of this situation. I was really close with my friends, but when my brother got cancer and I got depression she disappeared. She was excited to be getting married, buying a house and planning a family. It utterly broke my heart that she didn't even text me. I can see now that I was really struggling as I was very unwell, and this was probably a bit too much for her. So when she did build up the courage, it was too little too late.

But I have also moved away and haven't been there for other friends when they needed me, and it's definitely noticeable. Since COVID I have noticed that I am no longer included the high-school social media chat we used to have. It makes me sad, but I understand it.

Maybe she feels like it's some kind of karma?

She also now has a social media following of 50k people to give her support and discuss condition so doesn't really need me anymore

Key thing now is not to give her more fodder for her narrative i.e. friends have come crawling back.

Just grey rock her.

Some people are friends only for a period time. Just because she was a big part of your university life doesn’t mean she can be a good friend now.

Don't underestimate how much wannabe influencers will use and exaggerate anything in order to promote themselves and their cause. She also has the horrible time she's been through to justify it all to herself.

Op just wondering what did she give the friendship? Did she know about your divorce did she ever ask you about what was going on,.supporting someone with cancer is massive. Did she know this ? Did she never take this into consideration? She's an advocate for her illness but then she should apply the same rules to others really. Did she show you support, and I don't mean she had to do anything physical to help, even just a text to say hope you're ok too!!! That's a form of support.

I have seen her doing this more and more on socials and the latest podcast interview was another example I've had to mute her now for my own mental health, I may just unfollow her altogether

Sorry op I've just seen you answered my question already and can I say even if she was ill, I would say even if she couldn't check on you via message or anything then at the very least she should have considered your situation and seen that you needed support yourself, there was no need to fall out with you. I don't think you've done anything wrong, if anything you were both dealing with your own issues, hers are not more valid then yours.

She was supportive during divorce but i dodnt talk to her too much about death of other friend as bit too close to the bone. It felt more mutual before the social platform took off but after that, most convo revolved around condition or another aspect of her narrative

True friends are happy for you when good things happen in your life, no matter what's going on in theirs.

Even when I've been at my lowest, hearing about friends pregnancies, marriages, new jobs etc would cheer me up, I'd share their happiness with them.

With this person, the fact she wanted/needed support of her health condition, then little contact after your pregnancy announcement - well, she sounds self centered. The type of person that nothing is ever quite good enough. Happy for you to feel bad so they feel better.

Not someone who ever was a genuine friend or someone to waste emotion thinking about (easier said than done!).

Easier said than done yes but you're right. It just hurts a lot at the moment.

Just block her and move on. The friendship is done -she's made that clear. You don't need to keep watching her social media as some kind of self flagellation. Some friendships are not forever and that's fine -natural even. We all grow and change and have different expectations.
I've got a friend who is a famous instagram influencer based around a sport. A LOT of stuff she posts in over exaggerated and sometimes I don't recognise the life she posts about. It's what sells.

I've unfollowed now as you're right, not healthy. I probably should just delete social media foe a while tbh. Feel like a break from it would do me gd

Some people in our lives are there for a reason or a season.

You are understandably hurt. It will get better as time goes by and you realise it was not actually a healthy friendship any more.

Ditching Facebook was one of the best things I did mental health wise. I have instagram but only with very limited followers and I seem to be much happier that way. Take a break and look after yourself.

It's a bit hard to be supportive of someone who doesn't actually let people in. She never told you about her condition properly. She didn't tell you she was hospitalised, etc.

She set you up to fail. She put all these hoops out for you to jump through to prove you were her friend and would support her, but you didn't know they were there, and when you found out they were there, didn't know exactly where they were so had to hunt for them.

Not every ill person is a nice person. She sounds like a very self centred person who also happens to have a chronic illness.

Being an influencer will suit her perfectly, but be prepared for the narrative to worsen in an attempt to gain more followers.

If she doesn' want to be your friend, then stop following her profile and don't listen to her podcast.

Sadly, with the best will in the world we can't be there, all the time, for everyone. We have to sometimes make choices. Logistically and emotionally you were closer to your friend who had cancer then you had to deal with the fall out of her death which affected you badly. Friendship is about give and take and understanding. Your friend isn't showing much of that to you. Your needs are/were also important.

I'd have no trouble distancing myself from her. It's very sad that she is ill and can't have kids but you are not her therapist...sounds like she wanted one..

I think as others have said there's a degree of storytelling going on here. When people build a brand/career out of a particular aspect of their lives and the journey have have been on they will pick and choose what makes good content and one thing that always resonates is that they 'lost some good friends along the way.'

There's a lot of leverage in brand building based on hardship to triumph and it sounds like she's doing this to some extent, and you're unfortunately collateral damage.

Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about it as she's not naming you specifically, so you can't prove anything, but you could write to her and explain your point of view and what you were going through so she thinks twice about piping up on a podcast again about your shortcomings. It's kind of a shitty thing to do.

OP- in any circumstances there will be different versions of the same story because the truth isnt something we see objectively, it is based on how we individually perceive the world.

Your version is that you physically couldn't do more for her than you did, you were already trying to support others and dealing with grief and the loss of your friend and your own mental health.
Her version is that she felt neglected by you and that you didnt support her.

Both can feel "true" because this is how you both feel and perceive the situation. However, the difference here I think is that you are able to self reflect and consider her feelings whereas it seems she is unable to do that for you and is rigidly sticking to the narrative of people abandoning her. I suspect PP are right that this narrative makes her podcasting more dramatic and there is an aim there that is to garner sympathy and support, therefore there is a social reward for her sticking to this narrative.

You cant be there for everyone- all of us have finite personal resources and friendship is about reciprocity and it doesnt sound like your friendship has been very reciprocal on her end. If it were me, I would accept that she is sticking to her version of the "truth" and it is incompatible with mine, take the emotion out of it and just accept that this is what she has chosen to believe. I think you need to stop listening to her social media talks and distance yourself from her. Sometimes people will never see eye to eye and thats ok.

Dont let this rob you of your peace and look after yourself.

Thanks for all the replies. I now wish I hadn't rushed to write a grovelling apology to her as if it was all my fault but nevermind.

Never mind Op. I suspect she'll be back at some point offering you another hoop to jump through. Easy enough to decline at that point.

Yes maybe she will and I think the narrative she uses to promote herself will get more exagerated no doubt!

Sick people can unwittingly actually become quite selfish / self-obsessed; seeing everything through the lens of their sickness and all it has taken from them. Sounds like you were a lovely friend and she wasn’t tbh. She is going to have to learn how to empathise with others if she wants to keep friends around.

Unfortunately when people struggle with a long term health condition I notice they have little to no energy to focus on others lives and although obviously you probably weren't that supportive you were also grieving and struggling after the break up.

I think she was a bit unfair to pinpoint you as it sounded like you did offer support where you could. You have apologised so just let it go now. Congrats on your pregnancy and hope things are better for you now.

Yes I think she gradually became more and more self absorbed tbh

She mentioned various other friends who supposedly abandoned her but if that many people walked awayfrom me I'd be taking a look at myself not just blaming the illness