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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guy I'm dating making jokes about threesome

31 replies

Stupidjokehhh · 12/05/2024 19:08

Started dating this guy 6 months ago. Initially I wasn't certain if it was just a casual thing as we hadn't clarified our intentions. I was very upset when he joked about a threesome making me question if our relationship was solely about sex. However a few weeks later we had a serious conversation where we both expressed our feelings and agreed it was more than just physical. I mentioned how the threesome comment had deeply upset me, and he apologised sincerely promising not to make such jokes again. He reassured me of his commitment expressing distress at having upset me. Fast forward three months and he's made another inappropriate threesome joke today. He was very apologic when I got upset and said that he had forgetten our conversation. I'm thinking about ending things over this. Would I be overreacting?
I know the jokes are not in a malicious way and he would be heartbroken if I ended things

OP posts:
Vistada · 12/05/2024 19:09

He knows it upsets you, he doesn't care.

Six months in should still be honeymoon.

Leave him.

WatermelonLou · 12/05/2024 19:10

In the kindest possible way, you seem triggered by the aspect or mention of a threesome? Whether it was a flippant or meaning comment is it that you're sensitive about it?

BirthdayRainbow · 12/05/2024 19:11

What's funny about a threesome? Exactly. So it's not a joke he's conditioning you to think it is so he can keep banging on about it then backtrack when you understandably are not interested.

ClairemacL · 12/05/2024 19:13

Lol he’s testing the water…

XiCi · 12/05/2024 19:15

What exactly is he saying? Is he suggesting you have a threesome?

Lovemusic82 · 12/05/2024 19:17

BirthdayRainbow · 12/05/2024 19:11

What's funny about a threesome? Exactly. So it's not a joke he's conditioning you to think it is so he can keep banging on about it then backtrack when you understandably are not interested.

I think many men do think it’s funny, often because it’s a fantasy that will likely never happen.

I dated a guy once that mentioned it a few times, I said “yeah ok as long as the 3rd person is a man” he then got really upset and never mentioned it again.

He is obviously a total sleaze, you told him not to mention it again because it upset you but he too no notice. He has no respect for you.

bloodyplumbing · 12/05/2024 19:19

ClairemacL · 12/05/2024 19:13

Lol he’s testing the water…

Yep

Jazz7 · 12/05/2024 19:20

If you want to give him a chance at least tell him bluntly it’s not something you will ever do because it doesn’t appeal so if it’s his fetish he’d be better with someone else. Dont leave him in any doubt but 2 mentions one after what you said suggests it’s something he fancies and he hasn’t listened to you

MillshakePickle · 12/05/2024 19:21

I think it depends on context. He may be testing the water or he may just have a weird off beat sense of humour.

Either way, you've told him twice now. It's up to you to continue or not.

Maybe it's away to open up a wider discussion regarding sex and boundaries.

Just speak to him and see what he has to say. If you don't like what you hear, you have your answer.

SevernWonders · 12/05/2024 19:21

Lovemusic82 · 12/05/2024 19:17

I think many men do think it’s funny, often because it’s a fantasy that will likely never happen.

I dated a guy once that mentioned it a few times, I said “yeah ok as long as the 3rd person is a man” he then got really upset and never mentioned it again.

He is obviously a total sleaze, you told him not to mention it again because it upset you but he too no notice. He has no respect for you.

That sounds like a good way to shut the conversation down if you want to stay with him, but honestly he is not respecting your boundaries

Kesio · 12/05/2024 19:29

It’s clearly something he can’t get off his mind.
Yes I’d bin him
he sounds like a walking lads mag
boring

GrumpyPanda · 12/05/2024 19:31

Best possible answer (courtesy of Garrison Keillor): "I'm from Minnesota [sub whatever works best.] Our idea of a threesome is me and Ben & Jerry's."

itsmylife7 · 12/05/2024 19:34

He's not joking he's doing the "threesome" joke because that's what he wants.

Personally,I think I'd end it.

Starseeking · 12/05/2024 19:40

Sounds like he's testing your boundaries.

I doubt this fantasy of his is going away anytime soon, so you need to decide if you're ok with it resurfacing, and what that means for your relationship, as he's likely to raise the subject again in future.

MILTOBE · 12/05/2024 19:45

Lovemusic82 · 12/05/2024 19:17

I think many men do think it’s funny, often because it’s a fantasy that will likely never happen.

I dated a guy once that mentioned it a few times, I said “yeah ok as long as the 3rd person is a man” he then got really upset and never mentioned it again.

He is obviously a total sleaze, you told him not to mention it again because it upset you but he too no notice. He has no respect for you.

But for some men, the fantasy is that it's with another man. Then she'd have two sleazeballs to deal with.

OneThreadOnly · 12/05/2024 19:49

I think I would say sure, do you know any hot guys!? See if he can take the joke right back.

Amx · 12/05/2024 20:00

What's the joke?

Concannon88 · 12/05/2024 20:08

Hard to say without hearing the joke word for word

Concannon88 · 12/05/2024 20:08

BirthdayRainbow · 12/05/2024 19:11

What's funny about a threesome? Exactly. So it's not a joke he's conditioning you to think it is so he can keep banging on about it then backtrack when you understandably are not interested.

Anything can be made funny

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/05/2024 20:08

It’s a bad sign.

FictionalCharacter · 12/05/2024 20:09

He’s definitely testing the water.
The worst part is that he did it once, you told him it upset you, he said he wouldn’t do it again and he did it again.
As a PP said, these early days are usually the honeymoon period when they’re on their best behaviour. This one is disrespecting you even this early.

ChristmasGutPunch · 12/05/2024 20:11

I have dated a threesome guy and it was a fetish. I wouldn't date another. (No kink shaming I just think you either align or you don't and tbh he gave me more than one std).

crumbpet · 12/05/2024 20:13

Leave him

StarbucksQueen1 · 12/05/2024 20:15

We probably need more information about what he actually said?!

HaggisHhahaha · 12/05/2024 20:19

He’s testing your boundary