Grief really f**cking sucks

[hoomanbean3]

We lost my MIL suddenly at the start of this year, she wasn't old and it wasn't expected. It was also a horrible way to go. Day to day is ok but it's the moments when I think "oh I'll just call and let her know the kids did this" or just ringing when I see something I know she would like on the telly etc. we used to speak most days on the phone, just about everyday stuff. It just makes me so so sad, I really struggle to understand how she was just here one day and then the next gone!
I can't talk to my Dh about it as his mental health has been awful due to it and I don't want to put more sadness on him. How long does it take for this type of sadness to get easier?

Sorry for your loss

It’s difficult to say how long but it will get better.

When my dad passed away it was hard but at least I had my mum. I dread my mum passing away.

It doesn't get easier. You just get better at dealing with it. 💐

Very sorry to hear about the untimely loss of your MIL. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship; no wonder you miss her.
I guess everyone's journey with grief is different. I would say it is rather early days, if it only happened a few months ago. Hopefully after a year the pain will not be so raw or you will have more and longer intervals between episodes of grief.
Wonder if you have talked / would consider talking to a bereavement counsellor, since you don't want to burden your DH? A counsellor helped me get through the first year after a very difficult bereavement.
Best wishes to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's clichéd, but it becomes easier with time, and it's not something you can rush. It never really goes away, but it becomes easier to live with.

It doesn't hurt less with time it just becomes more manageable in my experience sorry for your loss.

You may find that talking with your DH helps both of you.

Have you considered counselling?

I am sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry. It bloody sucks. It gets more manageable with time - try to get through the day to day and treat yourself gently. Hugs

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. It's the first time me and DH have had to deal with grief which I know makes us lucky. We are only early 30s so it's just not something we thought we would be dealing with yet. It's also given me massive anxiety about death and leaving my own DC and I've had nightmares about it most nights since it happened. I think counselling may be a good thing for me at the moment.

Sudden loss is difficult as its unexpected we go into shock. I feel it prolongs grief. I saw a Councillor for a year that helps massively and I think would benefit you, as you don't want to burden your husband. So sorry for your loss, keep strong it gets easier to live with

When you loose someone suddenly, younger it's a real shock and takes weeks, months just to get used to the fact they are not there anymore, there's all kinds of feelings and emotions, it's different for everyone but after a while you'll begin to be able to remember the good times and will be able to think "mil would have love x or y occasion or news" rather than being overwhelmed by her not being there. Be kind to yourself and look after your husband, it's horrible.

I would say in contrast where someone is very elderly or has been seriously ill for a long time, you can find you adjust to loosing them ahead of time, I know with my grandmother I knew there was nothing could be done 5 months before she died so please don't compare your situation op to those who have been in different situations,

Take care, and everyone else grieving, it's one of the hardest things we experience so give yourself space, hugs

I'm sorry you lost a loved one in her prime. I think sudden death is the hardest to make sense of. It does sound like you were close and that's something to be celebrated. Your MIL was well loved. That's such a great thing.

When you feel grief try and remember to also feel grateful that you had her in your lives for the years you and DH were together and she passed on knowing her son was in a relationship with someone she loved and approved of.

It's just over 3 years since my brother took his own life and it isn't getting easier infact it feels like it's getting harder. I think it depends how people die. Grief is individual. It sideswipes you when you are not expecting it. I just put one foot in front of another and hope that one day it will feel less like I'm wading through treacle.

I'm really sorry for your loss. As others have said it's still very early days and everything you're describing is natural.

It's also given me massive anxiety about death and leaving my own DC and I've had nightmares about it most nights since it happened

This is natural too, it's your brain processing what has happened and making sense of it. For most people it is part of a natural healing process and will gradually improve. I had very similar severe anxiety after my mum died but it did gradually reduce over time.

The usual guideline is to speak to your GP if things haven't started to improve after 6 months or get worse.

If it was traumatic and things don't improve naturally you may be referred for trauma therapy as counselling wouldn't be appropriate.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/traumatic-loss/traumatic-grief/

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/coping-after-a-traumatic-event

@mitogoshi I think you've hit the nail on the head there. We had no time to prepare ourselves at all. Not that that would have made things easier. But I think the suddenness of it was the hardest thing to deal with. I had a call out of the blue at about 9am from my FIL to say the ambulance was there trying to revive her and then literally 6 minutes later a call from the ambulance lady to say she had gone. They didn't call my Dh because of his mental health and he's in a job that's dangerous so they were worried about calling him whilst he was working. I then had to drive to his work and wait for him to return and tell him the news. I honestly think that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We then got to the house and her body was still there, I've never seen a body before and it's something I think I will never forget. I often have nightmares about how she looked, it's like it wasn't her, something had left her body and it was horrible.

I lost my mum in February, and despite understanding grief and the various stages, knowing everything I am feeling is ‘normal’ it’s kicking my ass. My mum was in the USA and today is Mother’s Day there so today feels very difficult. 😢

I dread losing my ILs as I have a great relationship with them both. 😢

I’ve stopped talking about how I’m feeling as everyone seems bored with it all. I can’t go to any bereavement groups as they are all in the day and I work.

It’s no surprise it’s one of the most stressful life events.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you, your DH and the rest of your family are going through

I noticed you mentioned you felt unable to talk to your DH about what you're feeling as he is struggling badly with his grief. I think this is such a common problem in bereaved families ~ we don't share what we're feeling in case we cause more distress to the person who is most directly affected

I do think that counselling can really be helpful in these circumstances. Alternatively some areas have bereavement groups and one of my friends found that very helpful

Sending you best wishes

💐💐💐

Oh, OP . . . that's such a lot of trauma to go through

I haven't got anymore to add to my earlier post but having just read this, I couldn't skip past without commenting

I'm so awfully sorry
💐

Really sorry to hear what you're going through. I found the first year after my dad died to be tough because there are so many firsts. You miss them but there's always a sense he might walk through the door. It felt like my grief changed after the first year, better in some ways but more difficult in others when the reality that it had happened behind to sink in and life kind of moves on.

It might help to talk to your husband, share that you're missing her and perhaps talk about some fond memories or something that's happened and what she'd say. We did that a lot with my dad, still do five years on. I know you can't lift the phone but I found it helped to continue talking to my dad whether in the house, the car or his graveside.

The first year is surreal where you kind of coast along in a bit of a bubble. I think you just do what you need to do to get by and keep yourself going. Self care is also really important so please look after yourself.

Hopefully you can find some peace.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. We lost my MIL just under a year ago, not quite as suddenly as you but so much quicker than any of us expected. We all are all still trying to find our ways through it but it's bloody hard. There's been so many moments of "I'll just text.." and realising we can't. I'm not sure it does get easier, you just somehow find ways to deal with it but if I can suggest one thing please talk to your DH. I know he's fragile, of course he is, but if you open up to him it might help him open up too.

That's tough

It'a really hard and it takes time. I think with a sudden passing the second six months are the hardest actually - the first six months are just shock, then it's the second six months when you start to go through 'firsts' and the adrenaline runs out.

If you talked daily, I'll tell you what I did for my sibling - I set up an email address and I email him all the time. We didn't talk, we tended to message, so when I get that urge to pick up the phone and text him, I send him an email instead. It has been immensely helpful to me and hopefully it can help you or someone else.

I promise it won’t always feel so raw and that you eventually will remember her at other times and not just her body. After my dad died, my only memory was him in the chapel of rest but now I remember him in life.. someone told me “it won’t always be so raw and that whatever you feel is normal”. It was so true. I still miss his physical presence but tbh I have a strong spiritual faith & feel his presence a lot. Might just be memories but the rawness has definitely gone. Talking to your hubby might help him feel less alone in how he feels & knowing that she was so special to you too. Sending hugs 🤗

I do think that it is harder when the person is very much part of daily life - you notice the gaps they left more. So like you say there are daily moments that would include her and each time it hits you.

It.could be someone you love just as much but that you see or speak to less and you would still feel the grief but without the gaps in your life daily you get to heal more gently, you would still have moments but not so often.

It’s beautiful you had such a close relationship with your MIL. Sending a handhold.

I would try to see a bereavement counsellor OP this sounds awfully traumatic x