To feel uneasy about this ? Or do people just deserve to have the past left behind them?

[feelinguneasyaboutit]

I went to school (and was friends with for a while) a girl who was a compulsive liar the whole time I knew her (from approx age 6 to age 16). Not little lies - huge hurtful and impactful lies.

She would come in to school crying that her house had been burgled , there had been a house fire, that the family pet had died etc to start with at a younger age.
As she got older the lies got worse - that her grandparents had died etc, that her parents or siblings were seriously ill. Things like that.
Aged 14-16 were the awful lies (allegations against boys and teachers, lies that she was seriously ill herself). Eventually everyone found out and she left college - a lot of us assumed she had moved away, to be honest I forgot about her. She clearly had some kind of significant problem though.

My dc go to an activity and she is one of the assistants there - I don’t know how to feel about this? All staff are enhanced dbs checked so clearly she’s only guilty of being a terrible liar- maybe it was just an immaturity thing ? (We are mid 30s now) . She has said hello to me and a brief (seemingly normal) chat the couple of times I’ve seen her but I feel SO uncomfortable.

AIBU? Am I being judgy? I just feel weird about it

No, she should never be able to ever work again and perhaps earn a living, have a roof over her head, drive a car or have any friends, ever.

People grow up. You have no idea why she did it and you are not her therapist so let it go.

I can understand your feelings about it but think anything beyond that would be unreasonable. Lots of people have behavioural issues as children, presumably she had therapy to deal with her problems and is now an adult who is trusted enough to do what she is doing. I would keep a close eye just in case, and would potentially not want one on one time with her and my child until you have seen more of her now, but if the activity is a group and there are other assistants I can’t see it’s an issue.

Also my DSS 9 has done some questionable things including lying about his dad being in a car accident, but we support him to address these issues as he learned the behaviour elsewhere. I would hate to think someone would hold that against him as an adult unless he continued the behaviour then.

I completely agree - I’m just saying that I feel so uneasy about it as at the time she was taken seriously about false allegations especially and it really really caused hell for a lot of people and it’s hard to push that to the back of my mind ? I know all staff are dbs checked and yes she should be able to work etc - I just feel uneasy !

I'd feel weird too. I'd keep my distance, vaguely polite.

It’s hard as well as at times I did give a lot of myself emotionally to her - and I felt really betrayed when one by one it all came out as lies, so I think seeing her again brought that back up as having to deal with some quite worrying scenarios that I believed aged 14-16 especially was difficult to navigate

She might have had a shit ton of therapy since then. You don't know why she was lying, maybe there was something going on in her life that made it a cry of help or attention.

Up until the point she becomes a problem, just give her the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to be matey with her.

Yeah I would be concerned. It wasn’t just once or twice, it was over a period of 10 years. And you imply she made false accusations about boys and teachers? Were these sexual in nature? If so, that’s worrying.

Without any evidence to the contrary, I would assume she’s still prone to a porky and keep my distance.

I’d remove my child from the activity.

She was a teenager then. Perhaps a troubled/abused one. Teenagers do stupid things regardless. It doesn't define us for the rest of our lives.

Yes - on multiple occasions, she did admit it all - but literally a week after all the lies came out (she had also said she had a terminal illness) she disappeared - nobody spoke to us about it at school either it was just ignored / not dealt with. I doubt they’d do that these days.

I get it, you can objectively feel that a person deserves a second chance whilst still feeling deeply affected by what they put you through, it's not mutually exclusive.

If anyone judged me now for who I was aged 14-16 I’m sure I’d be found lacking. The woman I am today is light years from the girl I was then.

I do think this , she always came to our houses we never got invited to hers ever . Something very clearly wasn’t right. I think I’ll just keep a distance and assume things are ok now, the activity is so well run I’m not too concerned it has just really made me uneasy to the point last night I even had a dream about being back in high school and the whole thing so it’s clearly got to me

You are absolutely right to feel uneasy, and to carefully monitor any interactions she has and keep an ear out for suggestions she is doing the same things.

DBS checks only check for convictions or serious investigations. Telling lies isn't a crime, and many crimes go un reported, undetected and unprotected. So having a DBS is no guarantee she is now a good person or not a risk.

But at least you know....unlike every other person that your kids come into contact with you have inside information. So no real reason to remove them.

I agree just keep her at a distance. She may have changed - or not. Caution would be wise.

I think that it’s impossible to judge.

It was a long time ago, it sounds like she had issues. It sounds like she was incredibly vulnerable. Maybe she got help, maybe she’s matured and maybe she has escaped whatever was causing those issues.

I can understand that you want to be cautious regarding your dc. How old are they and what sort of activity is it? Can you put into words exactly what you are worried about?
You don’t have to be friends.

This is why I moved across the country and rarely visit home. I grew up in neglect and survived CSA by two family members, I suffered deep trauma as a consequence, depression and complex PTSD. As a result of all this I was anxious growing up and found it difficult to trust people and struggled with friendships in school. I was a shy, quiet kid and just wanted to hide from everyone. To this day I am known as the freak weirdo in my home town, people kind of snigger at me and tease me over my childhood oddities. I visit home place about once every two to three years, I have distant relationships with family that still live there. People just refuse to move on and don't have the insight to think that maybe I was a kid struggling with home life because it's easier and more fun to judge and be superior.

@Dontbeme I’m sorry that you went through that and that people haven’t stopped to ask why. This is exactly what I mean by why she may have been behaved in this way and that she was potentially incredibly vulnerable.

This, totally agree. Be polite but that’s it.

There was a girl like this in school with me and since we’ve grown up I’ve now come to realise she was neglected as a child as her mother was more concerned about herself and saw her kids as an inconvenience in her life. Everybody bullied her really badly in school because she was odd, but people are products of their environments, ultimately. It seems to me like such people are crying out for attention and then get stuck in the cycle.

Same, I did some of the things op mentioned as a teen but nobody who knows me now would ever guess. I grew up and got a job and family. I met up with someone I knew at school years ago recently, she remembered all the wild behaviour saying you were so daring, you were a tear away, fashionista, rebellious, I didn’t recognise myself, I was like another person. I am embarrassed by some things, I would tell huge lies, truanted, and was too heavily covered in makeup and jewellery.

Do not know why I had that phase at 14-17, my mum used to scream she was calling social services to take me away but doubt she remembers it now, I turned out to be a good daughter.

That young girl made up sn alternative reality because her own life was so troubled/traumatic/troubling. It is a well known phenomenon.

I am surprised you are not pleased for her op, that she has managed to move on.

You have no idea what was going on in her home life at the time. Perhaps she has had extensive therapy to deal with her issues. She deserves a chance to build a good life for herself so I would just treat as you treat the other assistants at the activity.

I would always treat someone with kindness in this situation, not suspicion. There is one thing lying throughout childhood quite another as a fully fledged adult. I’m surprised pp can’t separate the two.