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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice regarding my ex and contact.

34 replies

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 13:12

Hiya all. Posting for traffic as I need some advice if there's anyone out there in the know.

I split from my partner of 6 years because of mental abuse.....to cut a long story short we share a now 5 year old daughter and the courts and Caffcass decided he was to be granted indirect contact once a week,the contact being a photo and message of our daughters progress sent to him via a third party on WhatsApp.

The problem is he sends horrible messages on the contact day saying I'm this and that and all names under the sun. Do I really have to put up with this? There's a court order saying he gets indirect contact but surely he can't be allowed to constantly verbally abuse me during this contact? I'm not sure what to do. I've warned him that if he carries on then I will stop the updates and he carried on......so this week I've not sent an update.....and now what?? What do I do? He's messaging me via the 3rd party saying he's going to put me in jail for not sending him the update plus the usual abuse.

Is there anyone out there that can advise?

OP posts:
2222a · 12/05/2024 13:14

Non molestation order ?

if it’s going through a 3rd party why are you still getting these messages ? And why is this 3rd party passing on the abuse to you from him?

Whisperingsummerishere · 12/05/2024 13:16

Ask dd teacher to be the third party. I guarantee he won't abuse him /her.. Who better to send ds's progress? School can be great support at this time op. And can give witness statements too.

roastedrapidly · 12/05/2024 13:18

Why isn't the 3rd party protecting you from the abuse - that's why it's structured that way so you're removed from it all. The 3rd party is letting you down. Use someone else.

SilentSilhouette · 12/05/2024 13:19

Use a 3rd party app service where they vet all message content before it's received.

A friend had the same issue so used this app to send the photos, updates etc... it meant if he sent anything abusive or gas lighting (he'd often sent messages saying if he didnt hear from her in 24 hours he would consider it her agreeing) it would be rejected and my friend didn't have to read it. I think it was called Family Wizard or something.

Donotneedit · 12/05/2024 13:21

You can report the harassment to police and they may ask him to stop or advise you to seek a non molestation order
You can block him and the 3rd party shouldn’t be passing this on. I don’t know if a teacher is allowed to be the third-party part especially as there will be long holidays where they are not available but you need somebody who can hold the Boundary
I would not withhold updates, it’s two separate issues and it will make it easier for him to paint you in a bad light if you end up back in court. The problem is his harassment so block him, go to the police and tell the 3rd party that they should stop passing those messages

He’s obviously quite nutty if the courts have decided, no contact, huge sympathies and you may well be quite traumatised from the relationship, so probably a good idea to seek some support from a DV organisation as well

JanglyBeads · 12/05/2024 13:23

A teacher can't possibly be the third party, no.

JanglyBeads · 12/05/2024 13:24

By progress I don't think the OP means academic progress anyway.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 12/05/2024 13:42

Firstly, why on earth is your 3rd party person forwarding you the messages? Defeats the whole purpose of the agreement
If it was me…
I would buy a second cheap phone and pay as you go sim card
i would whatsapp him once a month from that and then block him straight after and not unblock him until the next message the next month.
However if you are not allowed his phone number then you need to make it very clear to the person in the middle that you do not want any messages from him at all

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:46

Thank you for your replies everyone. The app sounds like a good idea.
I think the 3rd party (who is a member of his family) has misunderstood their purpose in this situation and I think your right,I need to change the 3rd party......

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:47

I do have his number but its blocked..

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/05/2024 18:49

I think yanbu. The more people to love and cherish a child the better. I don't see why you can't have an " uncle " relationship where you see him every now and then, have some letter/ phone contact and send presents. You've been in his life for over a third of his childhood. I think the mum is being selfish.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:50

This was my fear donotneedit I don't want to be doing anything wrong really I'm a nice person and I want the best for my daughter,I keep telling him he needs to get help before we can move forward with any more contact but he won't and tells me I'm the problem

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:52

Redhelenb Him being in her life would be very damaging and dangerous for her and me and any contact the way he is is out of the question.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:55

I would do anything to protect my daughter and better her life,her relationships and I would have loved for her father to be involved,it would have been so lovely for her to have a father in her life as i never had mine involved as a child and I really wanted it for her,I really did.

OP posts:
sparkellie · 12/05/2024 18:55

There are apps you can use, or can you ask for a contact centre to pass on the messages? I'm not sure if that's a thing, but surely it's part of what they are for? Given the abuse you shouldn't have to have any contact with him. Who decided on the third party initially?

RedHelenB · 12/05/2024 18:56

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:52

Redhelenb Him being in her life would be very damaging and dangerous for her and me and any contact the way he is is out of the question.

Sorry, ignore I replied to the wrong post.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:58

It was the courts and Caffcass that recommended indirect contact via messages and pictures

OP posts:
sparkellie · 12/05/2024 18:59

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 18:58

It was the courts and Caffcass that recommended indirect contact via messages and pictures

Did they choose the third party?

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 19:00

Sparkellie it was a mutual decision by myself and my daughters Dad in front of the judge on the day of the hearing

OP posts:
sparkellie · 12/05/2024 19:02

ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 19:00

Sparkellie it was a mutual decision by myself and my daughters Dad in front of the judge on the day of the hearing

I would go back and ask for it to be changed, show the messages you have had via the third party from him, and ask for the role of the third party to be clearly defined, explicitly stating no abusive messages are to be passed on. But I would also consider that him using the updates to abuse you should mean you are no longer required to provide them at all.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 20:30

Sparkellie I'll do that. Do I contact caffcass? Or do I just get the app and start contact that way? Would it be an idea to get it on record with caffcass? I could call them tomorrow for advice I suppose,it wouldn't do any harm.

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 12/05/2024 20:41

File in court online to ask the court to order a parent app with a tone monitor. Report the abuse to police online too.

Allofaflutter · 12/05/2024 20:42

Or let him take you back to court and all you have to say is that you had to block the third party due to abuse being sent on. And call police

Allofaflutter · 12/05/2024 20:44

I would send a message saying you won’t send updates if he sends abuse as you will have to block the third party as you won’t stand for abuse.

Original poster
ThatProudNavyLion · 12/05/2024 22:20

I've messaged the 3rd party and said I'll no longer be using them as a point of contact and they agree its not working. I said I'll be in contact regarding an alternative means of communication so they can relay this to my daughters father.

Thank you for all your help everyone.

OP posts:
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