Feeling bad about child's party invites

[SummerFinally]

My child recently had a birthday party which the venue limited to so many children.
Unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone we know even though I'd have loved to but obviously close friends and family take priority.

Since the party there has been snide messages and comments about people's children that haven't been invited. I feel awful as I said, I wish I could have hosted everyone!

Has anyone else had a similar experience

I don’t know, if a kid at Dd’s school had a party and only 4 kids were invited I wouldn’t care. If all the other children were invited and Dd wasn’t then I would be upset.

Are you sure this is what it’s about, the vast majority of the kid’s weren’t invited so it’s not a big deal.

But OP you are asking for people's opinions and not answering questions.
I don't understand why it's such a big deal if you only invited 4 children from school. Is it a small class of 7 or something?
Something isn't right here . . .

I'm quite surprised at some of these responses. I don't think OP should have to host a big garden party to make it up to people who are annoyed about their child not getting an invite, or book two parties next time so she can invite all and sundry. I wouldn't dream of messaging someone complaining that my child wasn't invited to their child's party! At 9 children should be able to understand you aren't entitled to be invited to every party, and adults should be supporting them to understand not sending snide messages.

It depends - are these people who have repeatedly invited OP's child to their parties?
It's probably why she feels bad.

OP it’s quite hard to comment without more detail especially on the who is messaging but I think it’s the pretty normal to either have a small party or a big one but the tricky bit is if you don’t invite say 1/2 of the girls or if you’ve invited 3/4 children in a close friendship group. So the question is, have you excluded anyone obvious who should have really been invited? If not, the rude people shouldn’t be saying anything.

Who are making the comments? What are they saying?

Is it something like, there are a group of 6 girls in the class who have been friends since reception but you only chose 4 of them and didn't speak to the other parents or is it just random people?

I have two primary age kids and some parties you go to and some you don't. You don't usually hear about half of the ones you don't go to.

Nobody knows if the comments even were snide, nor who was left out. Unfortunately we'll have to make up hypothetical scenarios because OP only wants to give 10% of the story.

1. Scenario: it's a friendship group or class including only 6 girls and one was left off the invite list, despite inviting the DD to her own party, then a commenting asking if anything is wrong by the mum might be interpreted as "snide" by OP, but would be quite fair. OP unreasonable.
2. Scenario: class of 30, kids heard there was a party. Two mums of univited kids see OP, and say "Hope you had a good party for X." just to be polite because they know about it and have nothing else to say. OP interprets casual politeness as "snide". OP unreasonable.
3. Scenario: a couple of parents are pissed off not to have had party invites reciprocated, because their kids have had very few parties to go to and are upset. They make ill-judged comments to OP that the girls are upset. OP not unreasonable.

I know OP that you think this is funny. But they are important questions if you want your AIBU answered accurately.

You only invited a small group. It's fine. I would just message back and say "sorry, we could only manage to host a few children this year and so didn't have a big party. Hopefully we can do a playdate soon".

This is completely fine! You invited 4 (presumably out of 30ish) so you weren't just leaving a few out. From about 7 onwards most parties are smaller guest lists IME. DD invited 6 friends round, I couldn't have the whole class.

I am still unclear who is making snidy comments though at 9 my kids friends took priority at parties over cousins. Were they your child's friends that were invited or your friends kids? If it's your friends kids and your child's friends were not invited because of this I can see why parents would find it odd but nobody should be making comments.

There are a small group of mums in DC1 year that are friends with each other and whose kids are expected to be friends. The parents arrange play dates, meets up, drinks nights, birthday parties together it's all very cliquey and strange given the kids are 11. It's also obvious some of the kids don't like each other much but do have to hang together.

At age 9, kids parties are for their friends (usually school friends but those from their clubs too). Family/your friends kids etc dont tend to get invited to parties anymore at this age. If they want to see their cousins for their birthday you invite them round for cake at yours rather than the party.

Depending on how many kids you didnt invite from school (especially those close to your DD) its likely your DD wont be invited to their parties anymore as you haven't reciprocated the invite to your DDs.

Theres no need for anyone to send you nasty message etc, but it will have been noticed and your DD will likely be invited to less things because of it.

By 9, children’s parties are generally very much smaller. Who are these snide comments from op? This really isn’t normal.

Were all the children who came chosen by your 9 year old? Or did you say 'we have to invite X,Y,Z' but you can chose other 4? These 2 scenarios are very different.
My daughter did not get invited to her close friends birthday party and her friend told her and couple others in their close knit group.'my mum didn't let me invite you as she isn't friends with your mum, I really wanted you there but she doesn't like your mums so said no'. I couldnt give 2 figs whether she likes me, but knowing this mum is very much something she would say, and I thought it very sad for both the birthday girl (who is lovely) and my daughter, although I would never say anything.

If your child has gone into school and said 'mum wouldn't let me chose all those who came to my party' that may be where snide comments are coming from.

You're over thinking it, just ignore it.

I would just ignore the comments. Don't host two events or go out or your way to accommodate everyone. People need to learn that you don't always get invited to things. Yes you can feel disappointed but your feelings don't mean your entitled to an invite to someone else's event.

I’m surprised you’re getting ‘snide comments’ as at age 9 most parties are smaller with only close friends invited, and most parents would accept this. Who is making these comments?

However, as previous posters have mentioned, there is a degree of reciprocity with children’s parties - if your child is invited to a party, it’s expected that your child will then invite that child to their party. Likewise, most people would have a birthday party with friends and separate celebration with family.

It also depends on the context. Is it a small class and you’ve only invited 5 of 6 girls, for example? Did you miss out a close friend? Hard to tell without more information.

Yes, I agree here.

I'm thinking the numbers don't add up. ....

when an op refuses to answer very relevant questions

it tells us the answer

the OP doesn’t wish to divulge because it will throw her AIBU in to a very different light to that which the OP wants us to believe it

I think the problem may be that you had a medium sized party but excluded the 5th closest school friend onward. It’s the cousins and out of school friends that’s the problem. Are all the cousins necessary or do you just feel they have to be invited?

Just ignore, people are stupid. Of course you can't invite everyone to every party. It's not like you just left one child out, it sounds like just closest friends were invited.
When mine were little and didn't really have best friends I did whole class parties at a sports hall, but as they get older (about year 3) most parties end up being smaller with just best friends or just girls for example because they start wanting parties at different venues. My DDs 8th birthday was at a pottery painting place with a selection of friends (limited to 10 including birthday child), 9th birthday last month was a sleepover with 4 best friends

Can't be both: venue chosen has limited capacity but also you would have loved to accommodate everyone. This is a joke surely?@SummerFinally

one of those threads where in a very short period of time, it’s very much apparent that any issues are probably due to how the OP behaves in RL

Is it the fact that your child has been going around at school talking about this birthday party? And other child that haven’t been invited know about it that way? Ex teacher, I saw that quite often.

Invites should be very discreet if not everyone is going!

Are you going to do that every single year? So if there are 30 in the class you will never be able to do a bowling party, for example? Unless you can afford to spend £450ish on taking all of them.