To think partner's comment was unreasonably nasty??

[Celia24]

I'll preface this by saying I grew up with grandparents where emotional abuse was present. I was witness to a lot of nasty belittling comments growing up and something my partner said today upset me.

We've been together six months and just had our first holiday together - 8 days, the most time we've spent together. Overall it has been really lovely and we've rubbed along very well together.

Now partner is foreign but his English is very good. We ordered takeaway lunch and he went to get cutlery, drinks etc, while we waited for the main food. I went in to pick up the food and grabbed another cutlery set while there as I recalled he only brought out one.

When I came out and put another set of cutlery on the table he said with a smile on his face 'are you blind? I already brought the cutlery'. It turned out he ordered something to eat with your hands

I felt shocked and hurt by his 'are you blind' comment. I told him that was incredibly rude and hurtful. He said he didn't realize and that he thought British people lightly rubbed each other sometimes. He said the translation to him wasn't rude. AIBU to think this is bullshit?

We had such a nice time and I felt it was a nasty comment.

Incidentally I'm in a very international work environment (English is the working language) and there are some pretty unpleasant people who exploit the language gap to be passive-aggressive dicks.

Funnily enough all the weird comments and misunderstandings only come out when they work in their favour, or are with people they perceive as lower status.

You can tell the hostility from the tone - and then of course it's followed up with "oh, it was just a joke" or repeating "I do not understand what happened".

It's like they get a kick out of winding the other person up, then denying it.

(Two culprits for this - both European men. Both have ongoing issues with people refusing to work close to them).

Plus, if I accidentally said something offensive in another language...I'd be absolutely mortified and apologise and thank the other person for pointing it out...

I wouldn't say "oh, it's ok because I assume all people from your country can take it".

Same. Also had an abusive childhood

@Redcoated interesting to hear your perspective!

Yes he didn't apologise. I waited to see if he would but it never came even though I said it upset me.

@SuprasternalNotch maybe just my wording. I'd say we were otherwise very loved up on the trip.

The comment felt like a change in tone and worried me that there could be a nastier side underneath.

To those that say maybe I need counseling to do with my childhood - it has never affected enough as an adult to need it, but I'm not saying there aren't things I should deal with.

Is this the same guy you've posted about before? Autistic traits and high achiever and difficult.

It seems like you're both trying to make things work and force a relationship when you just aren't that compatible...You don't feel emotionally safe with him, he doesn't do a lot to reassure you.

Maybe you've finally got the ick.

I've had okish conversations with the guys I mentioned, and they can be charming and helpful.

But after a short period of time it's just draining and lonely feeling like you're fighting a battle of wits with someone who isn't really on your side, can't comprehend you have feelings and needs to obviously jump in and "correct" you even when it clearly doesn't matter.

(strongly suspect they both have ND traits...its not connected to culture or language.

They drive people away with their behaviour, but can't comprehend why and start explaining how they were just being "logical" and the other person was wrong).

Your feelings matter as much as anyone else's...even if everyone on the Internet said you were wrong, you're entitled to feel uncomfortable.

If you do think your childhood makes you sensitive, then why are you dating someone who is verbally aggressive? He can date someone equally brusque.

Where is he from? I am Spanish speaker and in my country this would not necessarily be considered rude, it would really depend more on "the way he said it" but can totally see why translated into English it sounds rude...

YANBU. I speak a few languages and ‘Are you blind?’ is rude in every single one.

The people telling you it’s fine wouldn’t like it if someone said it to them.

File it away and keep a look out for his other behaviour.

It was unnecessary aggressive. I would tell him that some people talk to each other like that but you aren’t one of them and you don’t appreciate being spoken to like that. His foreignness may save his arse in this situation, if he was Brit, I would definitely be on alert.

I’m surprised many on this thread don’t think his comment was rude.

I think I'd find it rude in sone contexts,but have a colleague who uses it in the "did you see I brought cutlery? " way, she is also from a different country (Eastern Europe if that helps)

It was uncalled for. You made a simple mistake not realising there was no need for a second set of cutlery. He needn't have said anything at all. It was just a knife and fork, that's all

I'm a native English speaker and work with languages. It should be absolutely fundamental common sense that if you're not working in your native tongue, you have to be extremely careful with jokes.

I can't imagine any scenario where this could be construed as 'funny' or 'light hearted.'

I'm also of the persuasion that those near and dear to you deserve even more respect than with strangers, and I'm unhappily surprised by the number of people in this thread who would brush off 'are you blind?' as just a harmless bit of joshing. At best it's catastrophically unfunny. At worst, in this situation I'd have turned on my heel and walked out.

Oh yes, and stow the 'aren't you overthinking it a bit?' and 'oooh, so no sense of humour then...' remarks.

Another who is very surprised by some of the replies on here - seems like a complete overreaction to me!

He was abrupt, degrading, and callous.

It may be hiding other imilar traits which may come out in the future.

He only picked up cutlery for himself, he sounds selfish.

I think people who's first language is not English sometimes have an unfortunate 'turn of phrase'. An ex of mine who's first language wasn't English but spoke it pretty well,used to say to me 'What's wrong with you?' instead of 'What's the matter?' or 'Whats' wrong?'. Don't know about you,but I found 'What's wrong with you?' a bit rude!

I had a Brazilian friend whose English was good enough to do a professional job, and do it well. His vocabulary was excellent (he knew what a carapace was), but there were little things that he didn't get quite right. An example; shortly after his aunt died, he told me that he was 'cheesed off'. I asked him why - he said because his aunt was dead. I explained that this phrase means you're irritated, perhaps you missed your train - it's not for something as distressing as a death. For this reason, I'd give your partner the benefit of the doubt.