To think partner's comment was unreasonably nasty??

[Celia24]

I'll preface this by saying I grew up with grandparents where emotional abuse was present. I was witness to a lot of nasty belittling comments growing up and something my partner said today upset me.

We've been together six months and just had our first holiday together - 8 days, the most time we've spent together. Overall it has been really lovely and we've rubbed along very well together.

Now partner is foreign but his English is very good. We ordered takeaway lunch and he went to get cutlery, drinks etc, while we waited for the main food. I went in to pick up the food and grabbed another cutlery set while there as I recalled he only brought out one.

When I came out and put another set of cutlery on the table he said with a smile on his face 'are you blind? I already brought the cutlery'. It turned out he ordered something to eat with your hands

I felt shocked and hurt by his 'are you blind' comment. I told him that was incredibly rude and hurtful. He said he didn't realize and that he thought British people lightly rubbed each other sometimes. He said the translation to him wasn't rude. AIBU to think this is bullshit?

We had such a nice time and I felt it was a nasty comment.

It was rude and I would be hurt too if my husband said that to me. I know he would not have meant to hurt me but this IS rude.

I speak more than one language. I don’t think that gives me magical insight into the specifics of how good OP’s partner’s English is and whether he understood the potential rudeness of what he was saying or not, which is the relevant point here. A lot of posters also seem to be responding as if it wouldn’t be a rude comment from a native speaker, which I disagree with.

He clearly didn’t mean it to be rude, and I think you’re being hypersensitive.

My DH's English is also very very good. He has no hint of an accent and people assume he's British. When he says English is his second language, no one believes him! He came here at 18, so has spent more than half his life here. However, he still very occasionally says things that sound odd or rude (without meaning to). It's very easy to do when you weren't raised here.

It sounds like he thought it was a lighthearted comment and he just misjudged the language. I’m assuming he didn’t say it aggressively?
I’m bilingual and sometimes get things a little bit wrong in both languages. Nothing major, but just slightly ‘off’ and I don’t quite communicate exactly what I was intending to.

I don't think you've said what nationality he is, but I have a very good friend who is Greek. Her English is excellent and she's lived in the UK for over a decade.

She can sometimes be very... blunt, to the point of rudeness. She's vary plain speaking I suppose and you don't often get a please or thank you from her. What he said is exactly the sort of thing she would say, I can picture her saying it.

All that said, I know she really cares about me and she says this is just the Greek way of being very blunt. I don't know any other Greek people so I'll take her word for it, but one time she actually did offend me (I'm quite thick skinned generally!) and I called her out on it - she was mortified and so apologetic that she had hurt me, she really was very sorry. That made me realise that she doesn't actually mean anything by it when she's rude, and is just being the way she is really. I know her well now and she's really a very kind and generous person, just someone who outwardly isn't very mannerly.

So it could be that sort of thing? Where he's just naturally blunt and it felt quite jarring but he had no mean intentions with it. I'd give him another chance.

It could be an idiomatic expression in his language.

It is in mine and it's not used aggressively or negatively.

In fact, in my (European romance) language it's a common expression used by parents when speaking to children and it's said with fondness, on par with "silly billy it's right in front of your nose"

I'd go for the new house. Having nice neighbours is priceless. You will have an amazing asset that you can always sell. Nothing is forever.

I cringe when people say "are you blind/deaf?" My husband is deaf and I work with blind people so to me it sounds horribly ableist.

OP, given all that you have said, I don't think your bf meant any harm or disrespect to you on this occasion.

@mybeautifulhorse I lived in Greece for a few years and I have Greek friends here in the UK now, and your portrait of your friend strikes me as very typical and true to the Greek way of doing things.

British people apologise and say please and thank you far too much according to the Greek ear!

When I first lived there I would see and hear a group of Greeks interacting and think "OMG something is about to really kick off, they're tearing strips off each other" but soon learned they were probably just discussing the local bus timetable 😀

You don't need any 'magical insight' though.
He said he didn't realize. OP thinks this is bullshit, and that he did it on purpose.
Ultimately, none of us are mind readers , the only person who knows for sure is him. But OP asked.. so we offer our opinion.
As PP have pointed out, it's a highly probable mistake, linguistically. Also he was smiling as he said it.
If he had said for example 'you're a fat bitch' - highly unlikely.

Therefore, many people have voted YABU. Unless the OP says that he regularly makes these mistakes or puts her down in other ways, there's no reason to assume the worst, as she has done.

A few people have said that it's not a rude comment even for a native English speaker , not a lot of posters IMO.

Asking ‘Are you blind?’ is rude imo

Trying to imagine a scenario where it wouldn’t sound rude – perhaps if someone was really incredulous about something and could hardly believe the other person couldn’t see [x] – said in a tone of incomprehension

In your scenario, sounds rude, whatever tone it was said in. Possible it was just misjudged rather than used in a knowingly disrespectful way

Perhaps as pps have suggested, he had a ‘blind spot’ himself about the nuances of this phrase. Although it could also be that he’s a bit of an arse. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt but bear it in mind if he makes other comments in future

Stunned at these answers, I wouldn’t remotely see this as rude, just a light hearted comment in this context.

It was rude. He could've just said ' I got you cutlery', without the put down.

I think you're overreacting to be honest. He made an ill thought out comment but it's hardly excessively rude or nasty. To be honest, the fact that you were so triggered by it suggests you need some support in addressing the issues you faced in your childhood with your grandparents.

'Unreasonably nasty'? Not even close to nasty, just a throw away comment.

Agree! Huge overreaction

You need to learn to take a joke

Thank goodness, it was like a parallel universe on here. Someone even advised her to end the relationship. 😱

I think it's probably a language barrier thing, he obviously thought it was a jokey comment as he was smiling when he said it. He wasn't actually rebuking you. It sounds like you're overly sensitive because of your childhood experiences.

If it was said with a smile on his face, it was clearly meant tongue in cheek. However, had he said it aggressively or been very serious when he said it, then that'd be rude.

Massive overreaction and you sound like hard work

YANBU.

Agree it's the normal - would he say this to a colleague he respected question? Or a high status person. Or a massive bloke who could beat him up.

If you don't think he would, there's your answer.

Funnily enough often these awkward critical remarks only slip out with certain people when they feel safe to attack.

Also.. thinking about the comment. There's no reason to come out with any comment at all?

People frequently collect too many or too few takeaway serviettes or similar.

(and either end up with random mustard on the table when no-one wants mustard, or extra cutlery or sachets of salt. And then someone has to run back and get something.

You're not charged for anything.

I have a slight disability so can't use certain cutlery easily, often there's a clean knife left there!).

Absolutely no reason to comment, in any language, unless he wanted to be nasty and lash out.

Even if you were silver service and eating with your fingers, the etiquette of eating out is to make the other person feel comfortable.

Also, yes to following the reaction of the woman observing. If she thought something was off it probably was.

I have to say you don’t sound honeymoon-period-ish at all — with this incident and saying you’ve ’rubbed along together very well’. That’s the kind of thing people say about a team awayday with a difficult colleague that had gone better than expected. Are you not that into him?

All about the tone