Niece wants more children, she already has 4. I thinks she's lucky to have them.

[DollyLeggs]

My niece got married 2+ years ago and has had 2 early stage miscarriages since. DN and hub are both 40's and both have children. There is drama each time that I find annoying and inconsiderate to others that have suffered the same but carry on. I hurt like fuck about my lost babies like many other ladies do but to be so ungrateful to have 4 at home children and to have always been a sahm so never having to miss any of their development irks me. I would have had to go back to work.
Go on, give me your thoughts.
Oh, and another thing. I'm not a proper woman as I didn't carry to term! Does that mean that mothers of premature babies aren't proper women also?

Who said you’re not a proper woman? The niece?

You clearly have a lot of anger to process, have you had or thought about therapy?

if anybody has ever intimated that you are not a proper woman because you haven’t had a baby then they are idiotic twats.

Oh, and another thing. I'm not a proper woman as I didn't carry to term!

Who said that to you?

I'm sorry for your losses but your pain doesn't negate your niece's pain at her own miscarriages.

You've had a really hard time, but this is about you and not her choices and the things available to her.

Obviously you are a proper woman.

I am sorry you suffered the loss of babies.

But your niece’s choices and reactions are not your business to judge.

What am I reading?!

Youre complaining because you think they make too much fuss when they suffer a miscarriage?!

Why do you think she’s ungrateful for the children she’s already got because she’d like more?

And you’re jealous because she hasn’t had to work?

Get help.

You really should consider counselling. So much anger and upset.

None of it your niece's fault.

Your niece gets to have her own emotional reactions to her miscarriages. Only someone incredibly insensitive would try to impose her own sense of what is ‘appropriate’.

They're in their 40s with four kids and want another? Nah, four is more than enough for anyone and they're ridiculous to even try for a fifth. I would keep this thought to myself though as it ain't really any of my business.

Unless niece was the one who told you you weren't a real woman for not having carried a baby to term? In that case I would vocalise ALL the thoughts loudly and freely.

You can appreciate your existing children while wanting more and grieving what could've been. I think you should take a step back.

I don't think miscarriage is something to hush up or be ashamed of speaking about but I do think there is a type of women who love the attention they get from it. I don't keep my losses a secret but you have to be aware others have losses too and bringing it up can be upsetting for them. And I have children and there is something in that I e suffered yes but I do have children it would be so much worse to have had losses and never had a child.

Not carrying child to term has nothing to do with being a real women. Anyone who says such a thing lacks compassion and is less of a person for it. It's a reflection on them not you

Stop talking to her. Problem solved.

I hope this comes as kindly as possible, because it's clear you are hurting.

Some women deal with miscarriages quietly and privately.
Some women need to talk and express themselves.

Neither are wrong.

It perhaps maybe best for you to take some time away from your neice if you find the way she is dealing with her miscarriages causing you pain.

That said, just because they have 4 children between them doesn't mean the miscarriages are no less painful.

Mourning miscarriages doesn't mean that they are ungrateful for their current children

Wanting another baby doesn't mean they are ungrateful for their current children or no one would have more than one

You need to seperate out your emotions around your losses from your nieces losses

I say this as someone who has had misscarriages and not had my own children

Therapy is woefully under offered for infertility and baby loss but if you can afford it I would urge you to seek it privately

And if your niece made the comment about you not being a proper woman then she's not worth the time of day to talk to

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

There’s no limit to how many children a couple can have. It’s personal choice.
It’s not DN’s fault about your lost babies and you can’t minimise her reaction to her own miscarriages because of what you’ve been through. It’s not drama ! People react in different ways.
Get some counselling to deal with your loss, anger and jealousy.

Of course you’re a women, that’s non negotiable!

It’s sad some women can’t have children and my heart goes out to them but I’m struggling to understand why you think your niece doesn’t appreciate the kids she has….

I hope you find peace OP.

You can want something different or more in life and still appreciate what you have.

Why shouldn’t she upset at having a miscarriage? It’s a pretty normal reaction.

I think this post says a lot about your mental health because being angry at someone else being upset after a miscarriage is not a usual reaction. Maybe it would be helpful to talk to someone.

It's none of your business how many children someone else has or wants. Just because she wants more doesn't mean she's not grateful for the ones she has! So she shouldn't be upset to have a miscarriage just because she already has children? I had miscarriages after my first 2 children and someone you'd me to be glad I already have 2! I went mad! Would they say that to.someone if one of their children died somehow that it doesn't matter because they have more? Some people want a big family and that's fine. I have 5 now and I am greatful and love them all!

What your niece does is none of your business. Being jealous of her being a SAHM and having 4 kids already is not a good look. I’m sorry for your losses but it is not your niece’s fault.

Niece and hub said that I and friend are not proper women as not carried to term. In their words there is no way we could possibly understand. But niece does not know that friend did have child who was killed in car crash. Friend and I juggled the child care of nieces children around our work shifts for years. Fed them, picked them up from school, appointments, day trips, weekends away, smothered them with love. Love them dearly.

How old are you OP?

They'd be out of my life for having said that. Trash humans.

It doesn't seem like they enhance your life. Leave them to their fecund ways.

But what does this have to do with her emotions surrounding her miscarriages? She sounds like an idiot, but you don’t get to police her feelings about her own losses, because you think she should be ‘grateful’, or because she’s a SAHM. It’s not clear why you’ve dedicated so much time to looking after her children if she’s a SAHM.

It is rather dripfeeding - you needed to say directly that the 'not a proper woman' comment had come from DN rather than leaving people to infer that.

Also, to judge what's going on here we need to understand why you have such an unusually involved relationship with your DN?

Not that it would ever be justified, but did this come out of nowhere or from a conversation when they might have felt you were policing how they felt about the m/cs? Again, not saying justified, but it feels like you are very intensely involved in their lives and there is rather a lot going on here emotionally that we can't see.