Niece wants more children, she already has 4. I thinks she's lucky to have them.

[DollyLeggs]

My niece got married 2+ years ago and has had 2 early stage miscarriages since. DN and hub are both 40's and both have children. There is drama each time that I find annoying and inconsiderate to others that have suffered the same but carry on. I hurt like fuck about my lost babies like many other ladies do but to be so ungrateful to have 4 at home children and to have always been a sahm so never having to miss any of their development irks me. I would have had to go back to work.
Go on, give me your thoughts.
Oh, and another thing. I'm not a proper woman as I didn't carry to term! Does that mean that mothers of premature babies aren't proper women also?

Why are you juggling child care for someone who is a sahm?

Yes, it does sound silly doesn't it. Neice's mother was my much older stepsister. She was lovely but druggie. Niece is friend and my God daughter. Looking after niece just continued with looking after the children and making sure everything ok as social would be knocking.

Saying you're not a real woman is horrible - though if it came off the back of you telling her she's dramatic about her miscarriages and shouldn't have more kids, well, that convo was never going to go well was it?

I think you need to just step back from her and her family.

You are not healed from your miscarriages and are angry at the world but have focused on your niece and her family perhaps out of jealously and resentment.

Your bitterness and massive chip on your shoulder is unfair to your niece and her family as it's none of your business how they lead their lives.

Try to get some help in healing as you have no grievance with others and need to channel your thoughts into overcoming your past trauma without the need to hate unfairly on others.

She sounds incredibly thick if she thinks a woman is not a woman unless she has had child. Just cut her off

So you’re angry for a close family member, your niece, who surely as an auntie you should be supportive off and happy for! It gives you more great nieces and nephews to love… you sound bitter and jealous and could benefit from therapy to unpick those feelings.

Obviously, your own miscarriages were very difficult for you, but this is neither your nieces fault, nor her problem.

Reading on further in the thread, she sounds like a bit of a twat, but her feelings around her own miscarriages are hers to do with as she wants, as are you feelings about your own.

I'm not sure how all the chat about you giving her kids lifts and taking them to appointments etc has anything to do with anything. Unless there's another big dripfeed coming.

Yes I’d like to know how the ‘not a proper woman’ conversation came about. Did she and her DH really say that? Or was it more of a ‘you don’t have children so don’t know what it’s like’ kind of thing? Which would still be quite nasty but depends on the context and how interfering you were being about them having another child. We need more info…

The 'not a proper woman' comment sounds harsh - did she really call you that directly or did she say something like 'I don't feel like a proper woman because of the MC', referring to herself, and you extrapolated it to imclude you too?
That aside, you've no right to tell her how to respond to a MC because people deal with things in different ways.

You are a proper woman and whoever said that to you is disgusting. However you are being beyond unreasonable about your neice. Losses are awful and I gone you are getting help to deal with them.

I think you’re bringing your own stuff to the table here.

I’m sorry you suffered so many miscarriages yourself.

But this doesn’t give you any right to judge other people on how many children they have or how they handle their grief following a miscarriage.

None of your business and if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.

How did the comment about not being a real woman come up?

Has your niece recently lost a baby?

I assume it died after it was born.

What was the conversation regarding you not being a proper woman?

Why were you doing childcare for her when she is a SAHP?

She sounds awful but if I was you I would just remove myself from her life.

Just because she is family, doesn’t mean you need to see or speak to her, especially not on a regular basis.

So she wants a child with her new husband?
She has 2 previous DCs, as does her DH.
Many women have babies in their 40s.
I don't think this is any of your business.

Given the comments from your niece (although no context given), I'm surprised you have anything to do with her.

@DollyLeggs your niece's comments are disgusting!!! I would just leave her to it and she can be a sahm without you doing any of the babysitting or school pick ups from now on!!

You are a proper woman even if you cannot carry to term. I’m so sorry you suffer with this. Nature can be cruel and not let some women have babies, and other who don’t deserve them can. You are no less of a woman than I am.

as for your niece, 4 children is lovely for her, maybe she wants more but isn’t ungrateful she has 4, this will obviously affect your emotions though because of your losses 🫶

So she thinks you are doing being a woman wrong and you think she is doing being a woman wrong.

Sounds like you need a bit of space away from your DN.
Take a massive step back and let her get on with her life while you get on with yours.

What I got from this is that you should spend less time with your niece or doing child care for her. The rest was incomprehensible.

What a horrid thing to say.
All the bitchy comments are flowing today

This is quite harsh considering the op's niece has said she is not a proper woman because she has not had children. This is despite the op looking after her niece's children! I think anyone would be annoyed at such nasty comments. I know on MN, the attitude is that everyone should have as many kids as they can but in reality 4 children is quite a large number to nurture and care for.

unclutch the pearls, dear.

I have lost four babies myself. And have two living children. I worked after 9 months with both my children, couldn't afford not to. I had 3 missed miscarriages in a row and a fourth earlier loss. After my first loss, due to circumstances with where I was working at the time, I had to 'warn' my work that I may have another miscarriage in x amount of weeks so that they could prepare staff to cover me. I'm not writing this for a pity party for myself, just to let you know that I know it's incredibly hard. I know I am extremely lucky to have my two boys.

But back to you, I think this is more about you perhaps having some unresolved feelings or not dealt with grief. It doesn't matter how long has passed, losing a baby whatever the circumstances is something that stays with you forever. Reading between the lines it feels like you think you are not allowed to feel pain and feel like you were your babies mummy. Please be kind to yourself and get some support. Think to yourself, if your niece had stopped ttc, had less children, wasn't a sahm - would this really make you feel any better about your own situation? We compare ourselves to others sometimes as a coping mechanism, I get it, we've all done it. Nieces life is her own, this is maybe how she copes with it. Focus on finding your own coping mechanism. Sending hugs

I am sorry for your losses...you have a lot to deal with. Your adult niece's choices are her own and her partners. It might help you to keep out of the situation if she miscarried as it is adding to your own grief.

So she said to you you're not a proper woman?

Or did she say I feel like I'm not a proper woman (because I can't carry to term) and you're assuming she thinks that of you?

Seriously struggling to imagine even the cuntiest person calling someone 'not a proper woman'.