To ask if this is common for bpd sufferss

[Cruelsummer7]

Just want to say I have nothing against people suffering from
this awful condition. I just have a question is it common for them
to want to be viewed as high risk and talk a lot about their harmful behaviours in detail? Also to lie about how bad something they did was?

unfortunately, yeah

This type of thread comes up often. What is your motive for this?

I genuinely want to understand

do you have a partner who claims to have bpd?

My DH has BPD and would never ever want to talk about his problems openly. He finds it very upsetting to talk about his symptoms. He certainly doesn't lie about things though either. So in my experience I'd say no, but everyone is different. Lying and attention seeking are horrible traits, but not exclusive to BPD.

Yes. Very much so.

I ended a long friendship with a BPD sufferer this year as all our conversations involved how ill she was and how much of a danger she was to herself. She was a complete hypochondriac and just needed constant validation of her mental illness.

It was exhausting and I feel so much better without her in my life.

No. Sufferers go to great lengths to hide their condition.

Who are you trying to understand as it sounds like you’re in a position where someone’s behaviour is affecting you?
i was diagnosed with BPD 15 years ago, it is a horrible, exhausting illness to live with & before I took medication I was an absolute mess. Personally, I don’t want to be seen as ‘high risk’ etc but in the same breath I am very logical about my illness & it’s symptoms, happy to discuss/explain how it affects me in the hope the person I am talking to can understand & hopefully empathise how bloody hard life is trying to live & thrive with such a severe mental illness.
I think the lying is a separate issue, but also could be they are exaggerating in the hope of receiving support (what someone with BPD feels is so much deeper than non BPD so they may be trying to make it sound worse so your reactions kind of meet the same level they felt if that makes sense?)
there are loads of articles online you could read if you really want to try and understand but unless you have it I’d think it was very difficult to understand the depth of emotions, the confusion, exhaustion, instability & generally feeling very unsettled all the time

This is simply not true.

My ex had BPD and I'm glad I didn't waste any more of my life with him. He was emotionally abusive and I left as things were sliding into physically abusive. He threatened suicide and self harm if I were to leave him.

After I left I saw that he'd had the cheek to get one of those ";" tattoos to signify he'd survived a suicide attempt. He has never attempted suicide. He just threatened it as emotional blackmail. He twisted everything to make out that I was the abuser.

He's long blocked on all channels now and I regained a happy life and married a wonderful man who treats me right.

If you know someone with BPD I'd be very cautious OP. Plenty of people will come on to tell you that so-and-so has it and they're fine, but there are forums for people who have suffered in relationships with people with BPD and they will tell you otherwise. For all those who have BPD and live a normal life, there are a hell of a lot who are ruining other people's lives.

I have a lifelong friend with BPD and I can tell you how her behaviour can feel to me at times, and how she experiences it very differently.

When she is in crisis she will tell me that I (along with anyone else important in her life) have abandoned her and she is utterly alone and friendless. She will tell me she is drinking dangerous amounts and not eating, and is living in desperate poverty. That she is in relentless physical pain. That she has been screaming and crying and acting out in public places and isn’t safe. (Her partner often tells me that this is not the case and she has been in bed for days quietly scrolling on her phone).

She will beg me to go and see her - and then when I have dropped everything and travelled across the country to help she will refuse to answer the door and turn her phone off. Once I’ve ascertained from her partner that she is alive, but simply too overwhelmed to see anyone, I go home. Which she understands as my having abandoned her. And then she won’t speak to me for months - until one day she sends me a lighthearted meme on Instagram and we have to pretend nothing ever happened because she has selective mutism when it comes to talking about these episodes.

To me this can feel like I am being manipulated. And it is enormously stressful and exhausting. I feel taken for granted and generally fucked about.

But there is no doubt that she is feeling absolutely terrified in those moments. And she is feeling extreme physical and emotional pain. It’s a rotten condition and a disability. She is not in her right mind when she’s in this state and unfortunately there isn’t anything I or anyone else can do to help that doesn’t end up playing into her paranoia about being alone and abandoned and unloved.

I love her to bits. But it is hard.

Lying, having to be the centre of attention, exaggerating, drama, minimising my troubles whilst maximising hers are the classic symptoms my friend displays when she's having an episode. After 5 years of this on/off I'm really not sure if it's her symptoms, or just her. She refuses all help, refuses to take medication, refused to curb her drinking and point blank won't help herself. I eventually went NC a few months ago, and my own mental health has been so much better for it. I tried, I really did. I stuck by her when the longest she'd ever kept a friend for was 6 months. I gave her everything I could but it was just draining. I can't see she'll ever get better.

You need to block her and forget about her.

This is an abusive relationship. If this was a partner you (hopefully) wouldn't tolerate it. It's no different.

You deserve better.

She is not your responsibility.

She doesn't mind ghosting you for months and the affect that has on your mental health.

I know it feels like you have to stay friends to keep her safe but you don't.

It's OK to walk away.

You should walk away. I did

My experience with family with BPD is that they have the expectations of an adult and the psychological and emotional maturity of a toddler. They are unable to read the room when dominating conversation - about themselves and their illness frequently. They are never accountable for their behaviour. Someone else always “made them” do it, say it or act out. They never apologize unless they can see that the writing is on the wall for a relationship or there will be consequences for their actions. Apologies are also mitigated by long guilt trips about how hard life is for them due to their MH. They are unable to anticipate that people may have feelings/ideas different to their own and because they live for immediate gratification, become very entitled to the time, energy and resources of those closest to them. They don’t handle rejection or refusal well at all. They are unable/unwilling to make permanent changes to their behaviour.

I know 3 and none speak like this in fact the opposite try to hide all

Yes, using people's empathy is regularly used to manipulate to avoid rejection.

It can be part of it yes, but diagnosis is broad so might look very different between different people. Lying goes with substance abuse as well which is more common with BPD.

@tilelurr I don’t feel responsible for her anymore. I did for a long time, and that was very hard. But I have ‘detached with love’ as they say in recovery circles, after the last time she summoned me across the country and then refused to see me.

My heart still breaks for her though. The way I see this condition - and other ‘personality disorders’ - is as a fault with someone’s ability to receive love. However much you love them it just doesn’t register. They are locked alone in an emotional space that other people can’t reach. And they keep trying to get help - trying desperately to get people to break them out of this space - and all they can see is people not helping. Even if there are whole teams of people doing everything they can, desperate to help, desperate to make the person feel loved. It’s awful for everyone.

I suppose the point I was trying to make is that I don’t see her as a person consciously choosing to behave in a manipulative way, or lying, or ghosting just for shits and giggles. I see her as someone who is profoundly unwell and not in touch with the same reality most of the rest of us are, for much of the time. It’s not quite as simple as making things up and exaggerating for attention, any more than it would be for a person who has dementia.

And no, it’s not possible to have a reciprocal relationship with her where I am anything more than a canvas for her paranoid projections. But it wasn’t always this way. There were times before things got very bad for her when she was incredibly kind and caring. And she has tried every therapy and every medication - she’s been very proactive about seeking out clinical trials and all sorts - but nothing has helped. It is a tragic situation all round.

(And as a PP has suggested, it is hard to disentangle what’s coming from BPD and what’s coming from substance abuse. There hasn’t been a time since I’ve known my friend that she hasn’t been abusing prescription painkillers, barbiturates and alcohol)

BPD is also known as Emotionslly Unstable Personality Disorder, which I think is a better descriptor

I have one friend with it. She's lovely and requires support at times. Her life has been hard. I do have to be a little careful to maintain boundaries

I can imagine her doing the stuff OP describes, but not always

Yes, this is fairly common among people with BPD. Not everyone will do this specific thing, obviously. But I think for some people with BPD it’s one of the ways they try to stop people ending attachments with them. It’s basically them saying “People have to be there for me because I am at risk”. They exaggerate that risk to make people scared to leave them.

It is a horrible condition for someone to suffer from, absolutely. But I’d gently remind you that someone having it does NOT mean that other people have to put up with their associated behaviours. Mood swings or a hyper anxious attachment style or emotional outbursts or lack of impulse control can absolutely be abusive or harmful to other people, and you are allowed to walk away from them.

In most cases, people with EUPD have experienced extreme trauma/abuse. I hate the word manipulative, sure there are manipulative people everywhere, some with a MH illnesses, some without. What I would say is that some people with EUPD are just trying to get their needs met the way they feel is appropriate.

What I would say is that some people with EUPD are just trying to get their needs met the way they feel is appropriate

Yes, but their ‘needs’ don’t trump everyone else’s. And it is still manipulation. Behaving in a certain way to get their needs met - when it’s at the expense of the needs of the people around them - is pretty much the definition of manipulation. And often, the ‘needs’ are actually ‘wants’.

The negative behaviours of someone with EUPD don’t make them bad people and they are absolutely suffering and they are absolutely unwell and struggling. But the behaviours themselves are what they are, and it doesn’t help anyone to downplay or excuse them.

I have two close people, one does this, one doesn’t. As pp just said, I always saw it through the frame of them desperately trying to get a need met, albeit in what to me is an unacceptable way. My therapist told me when I was talking about one person with BPD, that resisting harmful behaviours for that person was like me being desperately tired and resisting falling asleep. It’s a root need and they can’t help using the only pathway they have to get that need met. It’s like a toddler having a tantrum when playtime is over, logic and reason isn’t coming into it, it’s just pure unadulterated reaction coming out.

I will just say though, as I have recently said to my friend, who’s boyfriend has now been diagnosed, someone having a reason for their behaviour doesn’t mean you have to live with it. I have another couple of people in my life who have close people with BPD (their parents) and that in itself can be very upsetting to watch unfold as they don’t have the emotional tools to handle it and end up very mentally unwell themselves sometimes as a result.

Both of my close people with BPD also have substance abuse problems and it is so hard to distinguish what’s coming from where, but I have to always tell myself that it doesn’t matter when the result is the same. I have so much sympathy and will always be there in many ways, but I also have to have very strong boundaries and know when it’s time to detach. I always let them know as gently as possible (and quite often get a horrible reaction) but I do what I need to do to protect my own and my children’s mental health.

The way they feel appropriate is in fact inappropriate, outwith social norms, and often damaging to those around them.

That's literally why they have a personality disorder.

@Bomblesofbimbledon Hence, the way 'they feel' is appropriate. They likely have a PD because of trauma and abuse, not because they don't always comform to social norms.

@KreedKafer I just really hate the word manipulative, it has such negative connotations and is a damaging word to use. Most of these individuals are the way they are as a product of their upbringing and horrific sexual/physical/emotional abuse. I'm not saying their behaviours are always appropriate, I am saying they often behave in a way that is appropriate to them, to get their needs/wants met. I think we forget that these people have this diagnosis because of the horrendous things they've been through.

I think the word "manipulative" implies that the behaviour is consciously thought out. I don't believe that to be the case (I have worked for many years in this field and know people socially with the condition too).

I also don't think it helps to respond to the pressure to do what is being asked, and non professionals absolutely should step away and protect their own wellbeing when they need to.

Mixed personality disorders are also a thing (including with antisocial personality disorder).

Not all of what people are listing here is part of the diagnostic criteria.