Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest we park this exchange until his life settles down ?

38 replies

amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 20:39

I have been in contact with a man via on line dating for the past few weeks. The distance doesn't bother me... it's a couple of hours away... and perhaps would actually suit me ultimately but we get on via text... chatting, shared interests etc.
However he plays sport at a very busy level . Think a few different teams, training and coaching. Frankly I don't understand what he was doing on a dating site in the first place.
We stopped contact for a while as I kept asking him if he wanted to cancel our previous date.
A mixture of avoidance, paranoia, trust issues etc.

He got pissed off with me and said enough. He had a point in fairness. I was a pain in the arse. I would have done the same. Wine didn't help 🙈

So we're back n contact for the last fortnight, chatting every day etc but no suggestion of a date.
Again this weekend he is busy with games, training and coaching. He is late forties. As am I .
He hasn't suggested meeting and not have I.

I need help with a text to suggest we park this possibly until things settle or even generally.

I was thinking of saying ... considering your level of busyness and commitments, I'm wondering should we just park this if: when things settle down.

Wha do you suggest ? Thanks for reading .😊

OP posts:
Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:00

Anyone please??? I believe he may be defensive about this but would like to keep contact ...

OP posts:
Diablocircus · 10/05/2024 21:03

Why are you asking him? If you want to park it, then tell him. Don’t let him make the decisions. If he wanted to see you, he would. Equally it’s OK to have a text friend which it sounds like this is.

PoppingTomorrow · 10/05/2024 21:05

Why did you keep asking if ge wanted to cancel your first date?
Did you meet up?
Has he actually suggested your next date?

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:06

He hasn't suggested a next date no . I was anxious and paranoid

OP posts:
CruCru · 10/05/2024 21:11

So you are charting but he seems to really be too busy to meet? Yes, it’s time to let this one go.

It is all right to say that you’ve been speaking for however long and, as it doesn’t sound as though he’s available to meet anytime soon, you are going to move on. You wish him all the best.

WilliamButt · 10/05/2024 21:11

The fact that you're anxious and paranoid and he's pissed off with you, and all this is before you've even met, suggests that this is not going to be a good match. I'd leave it.

Also if someone I was chatting to was acting anxious and paranoid and keeps suggesting cancelling, I really wouldn't want to meet them. It sounds like you've got a lot of things to work on.

StormingNorman · 10/05/2024 21:12

Hi X, I joined the dating site to meet someone and maybe develop a relationship. It has been great chatting to you, but it doesn’t seem as if you have time to date right now with all the sports. I’m genuinely sorry but I do t think this is going to go anywhere.

CruCru · 10/05/2024 21:18

StormingNorman · 10/05/2024 21:12

Hi X, I joined the dating site to meet someone and maybe develop a relationship. It has been great chatting to you, but it doesn’t seem as if you have time to date right now with all the sports. I’m genuinely sorry but I do t think this is going to go anywhere.

Yes this is good

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/05/2024 21:18

I wouldn’t take the lead on arranging another date with somebody who had seemed intent on cancelling the first one whilst trying to make me look like the bad guy by suggesting I wanted to cancel it. If you want a date, propose one yourself. But honestly it doesn’t sound as though you’re ready to date: your paranoia and trust issues shouldn’t be made somebody else’s problem and aren’t for them to resolve. Work on yourself and you’ll be in a much better position to be a good partner to somebody else.

The suggestion that you message him saying he doesn’t have time for dating is just repeating the same behaviour as when you kept insisting that he wanted to cancel the date. Telling people what they do and don’t think and feel to cover for your own issues is pretty poor form.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/05/2024 21:22

Are you sure he's available? I had a similar situation with somebody whose entire weekends were taken up by his sport. Everything I suggested was rejected. Turned out he was actually married. Arsehole.

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:24

All great points thanks.
Should I just text him so and suggest us meeting up over next fortnight or so and if he agrees, good and if he says he's tied up with his sport, say goodbye? This will all be over in a couple of months .

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/05/2024 21:30

What is the point of all this? He’s far away with no free time. I just don’t get it.

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:31

He is short on time now but that ends in the next few months . He could still meet on one of the days / evenings but has it suggested to..

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 10/05/2024 21:32

You're overthinking this.

Just try to arrange a date, if he agrees and you both set it up then try to control your anxiety and not pester him beforehand. Instead of messaging him talk to us here :)

If it happens and goes well, great! If it doesn't happen, move on.

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:34

Ok thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:46

Well... I've text and suggested we meet over next couple of weeks .. we'll see... I'll be back .. and thanks.

OP posts:
Elieza · 10/05/2024 21:50

Good plan.

If he says yes and you make the arrangements, just presume it's still going ahead and don't ask until the day before 'we still on fire tomorrow then'

If it gets cancelled then use the lines a pp suggested about him being too busy.

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:53

Well he's read it ... so let's see !
My gut tells me he'll say he's too much on over next few weeks but he'll be more free in a couple of months.
At the end of the day it's priorities and his priority is sport so I don't expect a positive response... as far as an imminent date is concerned .

OP posts:
GRex · 10/05/2024 21:58

In sorry, but he is a catfish or in a long term relationship.

It doesn't help you to waste your emotions on someone who will never be a prospect. Time to just block and move on. Meet a few people, see how it goes.

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 21:59

Why would you think he is a catfish. I know people who know him, who work with him and are involved in sport with him. He is single, he is who he says he is . That's all the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 22:02

I'm
Chatting to a few others and will meet one on Sunday. I just don't want to waste more time if he's flaky. We had this rocky start but the last few weeks have been easy and relaxed once we got back in contact .
Having said that, he may come back with a no in which case he only ever wanted a pen pal , in which case I'm not interested .

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 10/05/2024 22:08

I would just stop contacting him. Don’t message him anything, there’s nothing to “end”, just leave it alone. If he wants to contact you then he will? Move on and talk to other people and if he decides he has time in the future to meet and you both want too then great, if not then you haven’t lost time over it.

Original poster
amazonmusings · 10/05/2024 22:09

Well... I've text and asked him if he wanted to meet . He's read it and been on line since but hasn't responded .. we'll see ...

OP posts:
Nuttyputty · 10/05/2024 22:38

I dont get it. You were annoying, but he was too busy?

Just say you don't think he has time for dating, see if he disputes that or not

5128gap · 10/05/2024 22:46

Tbh OP if he doesn't accept its probably for the best. He clearly has something in his life that's a huge priority, and that's not realistically going to change. If you lived round the corner and it was easier to meet around his sporting commitments, or if you were happy with something occasional and knowing you will be second place to his game, then maybe it could work. But the distance, plus your own understandable need for a certain level of attention and availability from a relationship makes it seem doomed to failure.