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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me

55 replies

Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:26

Hi everyone.
I'm just looking for some advice. Not sure where to post it really so just put it here.

I have posted about this issue recently but j and to delete the thread as I added too many personal details.

The jist of it was that my husband is in the military..basically never home..I've been raising our kids alone for years with no support or friends or a break or anything. Moved with him in July and he was sent away again in November. Has been away since. This resulted in me having a breakdown-depression, panic attacks, absolute burnout and I told him I wanted to move back home to have some support/not be completely alone anymore and have some kind of life and stability for myself and our children.

This has not gone well. Have had many arguments about it because he feels I'm abandoning him/he'll never see the children. Doesn't seem worried that I've been stuggling for years and that this isn't good for our children.
Says we can't afford the travel/extra car ect (I think it would be fine and if we need to cut back so be it)

Anyway. He reluctantly agreed to at least do the form for me so we can apply for a transfer SFA on welfare grounds to be near my hometown and he would just commute whenever he would be able.

However, he hasn't been able to submit it because something needs to be updated on his JPA? before they can submit the form.
He says he can't do this when he's away. He has been putting it off for ages so I don't know if this is true or if he is just trying to put it off in hopes I'll change my mind when he's back.

Thing is, my eldest is due to start school in September and I desperately want to move and get her started there. I can't apply for schools without an address I don't think?

I am staying at my mums now because I can't face going back there but I can't use her address and we can't stay here until then anyway.

I'm so worried, I don't want her to have to start school in our current home and have to move her. But I'm so scared nothing is happening and I have no control over it

I know there is a lot in my post and a lot of issues.

I guess, does anyone with any military experience know of anything I can do to get this form in sooner and get a house without him? I'm scared he'll leave it too late and she won't get a place in time

Or is there any way I can apply for schools without an official address?

Just grateful for any advice, I'm really in a muddle.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 10/05/2024 18:33

Hey lovely I remember your other thread. I've got no experience of military life so anything I sat might be useless but it seems to me he's stalling in the hopes you'll give in and go back. Which is unforgivable really. He's not taking your well-being seriously which is not on, you sound so upset and depleted and broken. Have you pointed out that HE is pretty much abandoning YOU?
Have you considered leaving him?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Foggymcfogson · 10/05/2024 18:35

Surely you knew what being a military dw entailed when you met /married /had his dc? You have switched the goalposts surely?

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:40

heldinadream · 10/05/2024 18:33

Hey lovely I remember your other thread. I've got no experience of military life so anything I sat might be useless but it seems to me he's stalling in the hopes you'll give in and go back. Which is unforgivable really. He's not taking your well-being seriously which is not on, you sound so upset and depleted and broken. Have you pointed out that HE is pretty much abandoning YOU?
Have you considered leaving him?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Thank you for your reply.
I have considered leaving him. He's hurt me alot with how he's responded to this. He forgets that I never wanted to live apart from him either but that the situation has become so bad I have no choice.
Can't see how he can properly care about me really to ask me to continue to live like this and have no life at all, especially when he isn't there.
I keep trying to make it work but he just lets me down over and over.
I wish I could just do this by myself but I can't seem to be able to. He needs to do the form but he keeps putting it off and telling me how impossible it is for me to move.
It's really a nightmare. And I just want to settle my children and give them a life.
I just want a life for myself. I feel it's so basic but he can't see it at all and thinks I'm being selfish.
I just want to get this form in and try and get a house and I just can't.
It's so frustrating and I worry about my kids.
Sorry for all the rambling. My head is so full of frustration and he won't hear me.

OP posts:
MummaMummaJumma · 10/05/2024 18:41

Hello my luv, why can’t you use your Mums address? You can always change it when you move x

YouStupidPoptart · 10/05/2024 18:41

Give over Foggy. Thinking you know what something will be like, and living with the reality, can be very different.
OP is living as a single parent without the support of family or friends, have a little empathy.

Sorry op, sounds really tough. Flowers

TheTartfulLodger · 10/05/2024 18:42

Foggymcfogson · 10/05/2024 18:35

Surely you knew what being a military dw entailed when you met /married /had his dc? You have switched the goalposts surely?

And the winner of most helpful post of the week is.....

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:43

Foggymcfogson · 10/05/2024 18:35

Surely you knew what being a military dw entailed when you met /married /had his dc? You have switched the goalposts surely?

No he's taken a job where he is never home anymore. It wasn't like this before we had children

And there is no support on camp either.

No one can live in isolation with no support or life or breaks.

This is a really bad extreme of what military life can be

I've had it before children and before this job and it wasn't like this.

And it doesn't matter how much I want to make it work.
My body can't cope anymore and I had a breakdown from stress and exhaustion.
I need to be better for my children and I don't know how to be better there

OP posts:
IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 10/05/2024 18:44

I agree that you should use your mum's address. Once your daughter has a school place, your husband will hopefully realise you are serious about this. Also, if you do end up leaving him, you may end up living with your mum for a bit anyway. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:44

MummaMummaJumma · 10/05/2024 18:41

Hello my luv, why can’t you use your Mums address? You can always change it when you move x

Thank you.

Can I do this? Her address is about twenty minutes from where I would live so wouldn't be in catchment to the schools I would apply for.
Does this matter?

OP posts:
MummaMummaJumma · 10/05/2024 18:53

Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:44

Thank you.

Can I do this? Her address is about twenty minutes from where I would live so wouldn't be in catchment to the schools I would apply for.
Does this matter?

Show quote history

You can still apply for schools outside your catchment area. I do believe they take distance into account when sending offers though but It’s not impossible. Have you looked on the local authority’s website of your preferred area? Perhaps contact the school directly too.

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:58

MummaMummaJumma · 10/05/2024 18:53

You can still apply for schools outside your catchment area. I do believe they take distance into account when sending offers though but It’s not impossible. Have you looked on the local authority’s website of your preferred area? Perhaps contact the school directly too.

Show quote history

OK,
Thank you so much. I will try this.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 10/05/2024 19:01

For all those saying use your mum's address you could be fined for not giving the permanent residence address.

MummaMummaJumma · 10/05/2024 19:01

Amber921 · 10/05/2024 18:58

OK,
Thank you so much. I will try this.

Show quote history

You’re welcome my luv, all the best with it xx

LeggyLinda · 10/05/2024 19:02

It’s been a few years, but my experience of military (especially in the latter part) was that they take welfare issues very seriously.
I would definitely raise this with the OC or adjutant if possible. Things can definitely get done with the right motivation.
I don’t know where your husband is deployed, but even in the middle of a warzone my DH had at least some (irregular) access to JPA.
You say that there’s no support on camp. But, please seek it out. There is always housing officers, wive’s clubs. Yes, they can be clique-y, but they can get things moving.
Failing that, check with the sqn/reg padre - they have a surprisingly amount of influence.

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 19:02

Ladyj84 · 10/05/2024 19:01

For all those saying use your mum's address you could be fined for not giving the permanent residence address.

Oh gosh. I won't do that then

OP posts:
Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 19:10

LeggyLinda · 10/05/2024 19:02

It’s been a few years, but my experience of military (especially in the latter part) was that they take welfare issues very seriously.
I would definitely raise this with the OC or adjutant if possible. Things can definitely get done with the right motivation.
I don’t know where your husband is deployed, but even in the middle of a warzone my DH had at least some (irregular) access to JPA.
You say that there’s no support on camp. But, please seek it out. There is always housing officers, wive’s clubs. Yes, they can be clique-y, but they can get things moving.
Failing that, check with the sqn/reg padre - they have a surprisingly amount of influence.

Thank you.
He is just saying he can't access it. I suggested he contact his clerk but apparently they are away aswell..
I don't know how much he would try to get this done for me because he doesn't want to. But I have no control and I have asked and he has said he can't. Very frustrating.
Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
Allmarbleslost · 10/05/2024 19:24

Can you afford to rent a property without him?

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 19:28

Allmarbleslost · 10/05/2024 19:24

Can you afford to rent a property without him?

Thank you. I have thought of this aswell.
I couldn't afford it.
My dad kindly offered to do it short term in worst case scenario. It would only be a short term emergency solution because I know he can't afford it for long and I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
I would just not feel right about it when we should be able to get a transfer if he would get on and do the form.
I so wish I could just do it myself.

OP posts:
LeggyLinda · 10/05/2024 19:29

Amber921 · 10/05/2024 19:10

Thank you.
He is just saying he can't access it. I suggested he contact his clerk but apparently they are away aswell..
I don't know how much he would try to get this done for me because he doesn't want to. But I have no control and I have asked and he has said he can't. Very frustrating.
Thanks for your advice

Show quote history

That sounds like a “him” thing.
if you were to get involved as a military wife you would get more support, help and information.

unfortunately, many partners don’t do this as they are told by husbands that this affects their career/going over their head / bypassing chain of command etc. But, in reality, families are (or should be) treated with respect.

The military want a happy, focussed and stress-free individual when on deployment. That is why there has been an increase in the importance of welfare checks recently. Admittedly, these can be annoying (IME they just came round and drank my coffee and ate my biscuits), but it was an easy avenue for support if anything happened.

if you’re not getting this support whilst DH is deployed then I would be searching out why.
If it is just a matter of him working at another base within UK, then some of that still applies but could be more difficult to argue your point. But, actually easier to remedy one way or another.

I don’t know what service/branch we’re talking about here, but talk to other partners. Get yourself clued up on being a military wife.

Fuelledbypizza · 10/05/2024 19:41

Hi, I’ve recently left the RAF and my husband is currently deployed, and whilst we’ve never lived in SFA, there’s plenty of support out there for all services. There’s often an idea that it’s really hard for the person deployed whilst their partner is okay as they are at home. Having experienced both sides can say it’s probably harder being the one left at home, with at least double the responsibility and supporting children who may be upset about a parent away etc.

I’m guessing if he’s always all the time he’s either Army or Navy but could be wrong. Does he have a work laptop and has he taken it with him? I’ve never known anyone to not have access to JPA whilst away, but again I can only speak from a RAF perspective. There absolutely will be someone on base that you can contact and ask for advice on this, like a housing officer, depending on his service. Failing that SSAFA are a good point of contact for all services.

Original poster
Amber921 · 10/05/2024 19:45

Fuelledbypizza · 10/05/2024 19:41

Hi, I’ve recently left the RAF and my husband is currently deployed, and whilst we’ve never lived in SFA, there’s plenty of support out there for all services. There’s often an idea that it’s really hard for the person deployed whilst their partner is okay as they are at home. Having experienced both sides can say it’s probably harder being the one left at home, with at least double the responsibility and supporting children who may be upset about a parent away etc.

I’m guessing if he’s always all the time he’s either Army or Navy but could be wrong. Does he have a work laptop and has he taken it with him? I’ve never known anyone to not have access to JPA whilst away, but again I can only speak from a RAF perspective. There absolutely will be someone on base that you can contact and ask for advice on this, like a housing officer, depending on his service. Failing that SSAFA are a good point of contact for all services.

Thanks for your message, I appreciate it.

He has his work laptop but he says isn't working. I think he probably could do this if he wanted to. I think he's putting it off and hoping that I'll change my mind when he's back. I think he thinks I'm just stuggling with deployment but I've told him it's more than that.
Anyway, I guess I can't make him try and do it.
That's why I was wondering if I can do anything myself to get it sorted.
I can your suggestions. Thank you

OP posts:
Jeezitneverends · 10/05/2024 19:45

Foggymcfogson · 10/05/2024 18:35

Surely you knew what being a military dw entailed when you met /married /had his dc? You have switched the goalposts surely?

Living it is completely different, especially if children come along.
I don’t have personal experience but m friend does, and what was ok when she was a starry eyed 20 something bride has massively lost its shine now she’s in her 50s…and she’s the last to complain, but I see what it does to her

OMGitsnotgood · 10/05/2024 19:48

Surely you knew what being a military dw entailed when you met /married /had his dc?

Comments like this should lead to the poster being banned.

SingingSands · 10/05/2024 19:52

Foggymcfogson · 10/05/2024 18:35

Surely you knew what being a military dw entailed when you met /married /had his dc? You have switched the goalposts surely?

Really? Maybe her crystal ball was broken and she couldn't see 2/5/10 years into the future... oh, just like everyone else then!

I'm sorry OP he does sound as though he's delaying in the hope you'll comply with what he wants. There have been some good suggestions of where to access support - do try to follow some up and get the best possible outcome for you.

Fuelledbypizza · 10/05/2024 19:52

If he has his laptop then other people will have theirs, he could log onto JPA on there. Try SSAFA for advice though, they are brilliant :) good luck!