Please help me

[Amber921]

Hi everyone.
I'm just looking for some advice. Not sure where to post it really so just put it here.

I have posted about this issue recently but j and to delete the thread as I added too many personal details.

The jist of it was that my husband is in the military..basically never home..I've been raising our kids alone for years with no support or friends or a break or anything. Moved with him in July and he was sent away again in November. Has been away since. This resulted in me having a breakdown-depression, panic attacks, absolute burnout and I told him I wanted to move back home to have some support/not be completely alone anymore and have some kind of life and stability for myself and our children.

This has not gone well. Have had many arguments about it because he feels I'm abandoning him/he'll never see the children. Doesn't seem worried that I've been stuggling for years and that this isn't good for our children.
Says we can't afford the travel/extra car ect (I think it would be fine and if we need to cut back so be it)

Anyway. He reluctantly agreed to at least do the form for me so we can apply for a transfer SFA on welfare grounds to be near my hometown and he would just commute whenever he would be able.

However, he hasn't been able to submit it because something needs to be updated on his JPA? before they can submit the form.
He says he can't do this when he's away. He has been putting it off for ages so I don't know if this is true or if he is just trying to put it off in hopes I'll change my mind when he's back.

Thing is, my eldest is due to start school in September and I desperately want to move and get her started there. I can't apply for schools without an address I don't think?

I am staying at my mums now because I can't face going back there but I can't use her address and we can't stay here until then anyway.

I'm so worried, I don't want her to have to start school in our current home and have to move her. But I'm so scared nothing is happening and I have no control over it

I know there is a lot in my post and a lot of issues.

I guess, does anyone with any military experience know of anything I can do to get this form in sooner and get a house without him? I'm scared he'll leave it too late and she won't get a place in time

Or is there any way I can apply for schools without an official address?

Just grateful for any advice, I'm really in a muddle.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you so much, that's a good point.
I'll suggest this to him. I'm sure he knows this though and hasn't done it.
He gets annoyed whenever I bring anything up about moving and says he just doesn't want to talk about it when he's away.
It's like banging my head against a wall.

Thank you

he can update things on JPA wherever he is or get his home unit to do it remotely. There’s nothing that would warrant weeks of waiting or he can’t do… I say this as someone who was HR in the military! I used to audit JPA (yes it was dull).

as others have said SSAFA are brilliant and will hopefully be able to help you.

You must feel desperate, but between the excuses and the refusal to talk, it sounds as if he is not going to do anything until he’s home.

He’s put you in the position of either staying put or temporarily relocating to a rental until he can join you. Taking steps to move may jolt him into action.

Thank you.
I have asked him if he can think of any way of doing it and he has said he can't.
He's just lying to me then.
It's really hurting me how he just won't help me.
What can I do though if he refuses.
Can I do anything?

I have messaged SSAFA now, thank you.

Yeah, and I know he won't want to talk when he's back either.
It was so bad there I never even want to go back there. So I'm just at my mums.
He's expecting me to be there when he's back but I feel like saying I'm not coming back.
I know he'll be fuming though.
All I want is to stop fighting about this but the only thing that will make him be okay again is if I just agree to stay. And I can't. And that's not in anyone's best interests.
I think you're right though that if I just stay he might realise I'm serious.
Or he'll just be so angry he'll leave me.
He thinks I'm being selfish and trying to leave him so he'll never see it from my point of view I don't think.

This is true, however, some circumstances can be acceptable.

Waiting to move to new home, marital breakdown can all be used as acceptable reasons. Children have to be in education and at the moment you live there.

Hi OP

I cant help with the army part of it, but with regards to the school, if you apply using a temp address, if you say its due to the children's parent being in the military, this may be accepted. My knowledge is out of date, I will say, but this is certainly what my DP's mum did and also where I live is army based and I know a couple of parents did this (so roughly 8 years ago)

Don’t worry about whether he would leave you. The most important point is whether you are prepared to leave him. It doesn’t sound as if there is any compromise on either side at the moment so it is something you need to think about.

Hi OP, to take some pressure off, could you look at deferring her entry to primary school until January? I would stay with your mum though, as he clearly is not prepared to support you, but it may give you time to find a rental and settle somewhere.

Thank you for your message.
I would worry she would fall behind though if I did that. I know most children start in September and would have already formed friendships and learned so much by the time she would start so I don't really want to do that.
Thanks for the suggestion though, I appreciate it.

I really don't want to leave him.
We were so happy before this job and I would never have wanted to leave.
We have children and I want to make it work.
I'm just hurt that he doesn't seem bothered about how badly I've struggled for so long and not trying to help me at all.
That's the only reason
I hope we can figure it out but I don't know how he's going to suddenly be fine with it

Thanks so much. I'll give this a go definitely.

I hope you do work it out but at the moment you want to be in different places and it doesn’t feel like either of you are willing to compromise.

I hope we can figure it out but I don't know how he's going to suddenly be fine with it.

👆 Your idea of it working out is him coming around to your way of thinking. How do you work it out if he doesn’t? You may need to become ok with his job and the location, at least for the short term.

Do the military provide any counselling or support to help the one at home when their spouse is deployed?

Thats not true.
I've asked him if he could look at other jobs within the military where he would be home more/there would be better support ect.
He doesn't want to do this.
I've gone alone with his plans since we've been together so I feel I've compromised a lot and am still trying to talk about but he doesn't want to. He just wants me to stay so I think he is not willing to compromise and I've been left with no choice really.

It's not about me being okay with it. I'm having panic attacks because I've been alone for so long and I'm not doing it anymore. I deserve a life.
He can commute to us it's not like that has to be the end.

It's not ideal but it never is with a job like this.

Yes there is counselling but I know what would help..I just can't do it by myself.

You are currently living at your mums and not moving back.

Inform both councils for council tax purposes that you now live with your Mum. It's then fine to use that address to apply for school places.

Just another route people may not know about. I’d contact the Armed Forces Covenant Officer at your local council. They can direct you to resources and advice specifically aimed at not only serving personnel, but their families too.

I know you’ve made a lot of compromises up to this point and I imagine a lot of your married life has been about facilitating his career. When I mentioned compromise, I meant now in this situation.

You have made the decision to live with your Mum and enroll your DC in a school there so in addition to your DH being deployed for long stretches, you’ll now only see him when he commutes to you when he returns to the UK. And he’s told you he isn’t happy with living apart.

You need to find the strength to get into counselling because I don’t think you realise what a precarious position your marriage is in. You have taken the decision to live apart against his wishes. This is a separation in all but name.

I appreciate your comment but it's not a separation at all.
Many couples in his line of work live like this. None of his co workers have wives there-they're all back home because it makes no sense to move for your husband when he's never there.

I want to live with him but he's never there.

It's not the kind of job you take when you have a wife and kids..he doesn't have to.

I haven't moved without him. I'm staying here with my mum because he isn't there and I have nothing there so I can't stay there.

And I keep trying to talk about it but he won't. Yes I'm aware our marriage is rocky but I can't carry on like this to keep it all happy.

I don't think it's fair for him to expect me to. If I was him I'd just take a different job. That's a compromise. Or accept I'd have to commute.

This is true, many military families live like this, or move back with family whilst their spouse is deployed, for the practical and emotional support. It might not be the case that he isn't bothered that you're struggling but is more sticking his head in the sand over it as it could feel like a big change. However he should really acknowledge how much you're struggling, and the support networks available should hopefully be able to provide some advice on ways of moving forwards. Other's have mentioned counselling and I know RAFBF offer free sessions with Relate. Whilst it's a very personal decision to go to counselling the services are funded to support couples through the challenges of service life - of which there can be many! I imagine the other services will have similar or the same. It will feel so much harder at the moment with him being away so definitely make sure you are finding time for yourself too, and someone to chat to/let off steam to. Sometimes just talking it over can help :)

Thanks so much for your message.
I think counselling might be helpful for both of us if he's up for it but will have to see when he's back.
Thanks again for the advice.

I don't know about anything military and what the forms are but I don't see why you can't apply for school from your mother's.

Be honest you are moving permanently in to the area.

Counselling sounds like a good option but can you also look for a home near your family? Maybe get on the council list.

I'm sorry this is happening, it's unfair he's not willing to even try the arrangement you are suggesting. You have very valid reasons for wanting to move & as a husband he should try to see things from your perspective but it sounds like that won't happen.

I would call the school admissions for the local authority you want a school placement in & explain your situation they will have advice on applying. You could also speak to the school you'd like a place in just to get their advice as well.

I hope this gets sorted out & your husband comes around. Best of luck. But stand your ground.

Absolutely.

@Amber921 - make an appointment to see the head and explain your situation. They can be flexible - especially if they see that you are a committed parent who values her children's education and who will back the school.