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Original poster

The assistant

46 replies

skgnome · 10/05/2024 11:33

Posting here for traffic, will try to keep short, but don’t want to drip feed
my mum very recently passed away after being unwell for several years (chronic conditions), although my parents had a lot of help my dad took over as her main career. This took a big tool on his mental and physical health, both of them on their 80’s and very proud to accept help
the last year or so, they had a rota of helpers (paid and family) around, the last one (2 months) was a lady who came over to keep them company and drive my dad around
my dad is very trusting, and he gave her credit card pins, showed her his online banking, let her took decisions around his house - and as my mum health deteriorated they became close friends
i have now brought him to leave with me (and my family) - have liquidated the assistant… problem is she calls and texts him every day saying “she really cares about him and wants to make sure he’s ok”
extended family have all said they feel she’s “playing a dangerous game” and we have talked to him - however he’s recently widowed and obviously it’s a lot mentally for him, on his side she was his friend and does not sees the need to cut contact - I do want to block her number, but I’m also aware he’s a grown man, he’s going through a lot and I don’t want this to backfire. He intends to spend a couple of months at my house and then go back to “sort his affairs” (aka - clean the family home) and wants her to help him. Numerous family members have already offered to help on this, so she’s not really needed.
would it be unreasonable to block her from his phone fully? Or should I give him a bit of time to go through the healing process?

OP posts:
Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 11:34

That was not short, sorry for the lengthy post

OP posts:
ByUmberViewer · 10/05/2024 11:36

Absolutely block her but first ring her and tell her in no uncertain terms she is being very very inappropriate and needs to stop.

Then I'd report her to social services and the tax man.

Carers like this fucking annoy me.

SpringerFall · 10/05/2024 11:37

What do you mean by "liquidated the assistant"?

Allfur · 10/05/2024 11:38

SpringerFall · 10/05/2024 11:37

What do you mean by "liquidated the assistant"?

It's sounds v terminator

fiftyandfat · 10/05/2024 11:41

Red flags.
My dad's carer took huge amounts out of his bank account. Nothing we could do because he gave her his PIN to do his shopping. This was back in the days before online shopping was a thing.
She even attempted to get him to make a will leaving her his house.
It is sad, but I feel as if no-one can be trusted.

Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 11:42

Allfur · 10/05/2024 11:38

It's sounds v terminator

Show quote history

Hahaha, sorry my head is all over the place, I meant finished her contract, and of course paid what she’s legally entitled (sister is a solicitor so she managed all that)

OP posts:
Apollo365 · 10/05/2024 11:44

Very inappropriate!!!

Hoppinggreen · 10/05/2024 11:45

Unfortunately I think you have to assume the worst here.
If she wants to visit him etc then encourage it (supervised) and make sure he isnt giving her information she shouldnt have. If your Dad queries it explain that banks dont allow you to share PINs with anyone at all.
You should tell her that its great shes been supportive but Family are helping so her practical help isnt needed then block her.
Maybe shes a lovely person who genuinely wants to help your Dad, my Mum did have a carer like that but unfortunately you do have to be very careful

Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 11:47

fiftyandfat · 10/05/2024 11:41

Red flags.
My dad's carer took huge amounts out of his bank account. Nothing we could do because he gave her his PIN to do his shopping. This was back in the days before online shopping was a thing.
She even attempted to get him to make a will leaving her his house.
It is sad, but I feel as if no-one can be trusted.

Thanks, I also think she’s a walking red flag

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 10/05/2024 11:48

First thing I would do is get online with your Dad and change all PINS and online passwords she had access to as well!

Soonenough · 10/05/2024 11:48

I think you should try and persuade him that all his accounts are joint ones with you and or your sister . Keep minimul amount in current one .Just to protect anyone removing money without your knowledge. Can you block her number after you tell her you would prefer no contact .
Was she a paid carer ? Did she go beyond her duties to do things for him . ? Unfortunately you have to question her motives.

Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 11:50

Hoppinggreen · 10/05/2024 11:45

Unfortunately I think you have to assume the worst here.
If she wants to visit him etc then encourage it (supervised) and make sure he isnt giving her information she shouldnt have. If your Dad queries it explain that banks dont allow you to share PINs with anyone at all.
You should tell her that its great shes been supportive but Family are helping so her practical help isnt needed then block her.
Maybe shes a lovely person who genuinely wants to help your Dad, my Mum did have a carer like that but unfortunately you do have to be very careful

Yep, the people pleaser side of me is saying “well maybe she’s just a lovely human willing to go the extra mile” but there are a ton of red flags here and she knows we (family) don’t trust her, I over heard her crying to my dad about it after we told her “her services would no longer be needed”

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 10/05/2024 11:51

Have you got POA for your dad ? If not get it and activate it with all the banks he uses

Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 12:00

Soonenough · 10/05/2024 11:48

I think you should try and persuade him that all his accounts are joint ones with you and or your sister . Keep minimul amount in current one .Just to protect anyone removing money without your knowledge. Can you block her number after you tell her you would prefer no contact .
Was she a paid carer ? Did she go beyond her duties to do things for him . ? Unfortunately you have to question her motives.

She was a paid career (private arrangement) and she did went beyond her duties for both (mostly my dad) - but I do question her motives

OP posts:
Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 12:00

mrsbyers · 10/05/2024 11:51

Have you got POA for your dad ? If not get it and activate it with all the banks he uses

Good idea, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
skgnome · 10/05/2024 12:05

To add, my dads mobile is quite old and faulty, we were already planning on getting him a new phone for his birthday, so can easily give him an early birthday present and “upss her number got lost (aka blocked) on the new one”
but, its the timing and the question of protecting him vs taking out a bit of his moral support (since he does thinks of her as a friend)

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 10/05/2024 12:05

She's after his money. Block.

toomuchfaff · 10/05/2024 12:40

She's definitely after the money. Anyone Who did care for someone and wanted to make sure they were OK wouldn't want anything untoward or underhand. By the very fact she went crying to your dad when you terminated the contract tells me she sees him as being the soft touch, easy manipulated and a target. Block her, do it quick.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 10/05/2024 14:41

Certain types of people can be like vultures circling the elderly, it's sickening. Please trust your instincts. Give him the new phone asap and lose her number (id block her in the meantime).
Nothing good can come from this. He doesn't need new "mates" at 80.

Londonrach1 · 10/05/2024 14:50

Please report her, block her on his mobile or get him a number number asap, change all passwords and pin codes and keep your dad from her. She after his money

ByUmberViewer · 10/05/2024 14:51

OP I've been a home care manager for many years and i've seen many things.

  1. A carer who got pregnant by a client with a spinal injury and a multimillion pound insurance payment.
  2. A carer who used to sit on the lap of an elderly male client and allow him to fondle her breasts for £100 a time.
  3. A carer who used to take the client out in the carers car and stop at the garage to refuel the carers car with the client paying.

Those are just in the last 3 years.

Symposium · 10/05/2024 15:32

Have you checked that all his money is still there?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/05/2024 16:17

Have you reset all of his PIN's, put a Ring doorbell on the house/changed the locks, and taken any other measures you thing necessary to ensure your Dad is not exploited? This has wider application beyond a possibly dodgy carer especially with a shiny new smartphone? 😉
https://www.ukfinance.org.uk/news-and-insight/blog/vulnerable-victims-notifications-bringing-together-banks-and-law-enforcement

I had an elderly relative in this position except it was her neighbours who popped in and out a lot to "help". She was a bit old school and insisted on keeping large amounts of cash in the house, hidden all over. When she was admitted to hospital and subsequently died, when it came to clear the house it became obvious that it had been carefully and quietly burgled with the most valuable items of jewellery and cash gone missing. When her bank accounts were examined, she had spent large amounts of money through cash withdrawals in the months leading up to her death [as a housebound individual] and there was no record of where it had gone.

Plus with access to the house, identity theft becomes very easy if you can pop in and collect a new credit card issued, or use iD docs to apply for stuff in someone else's name.

bluegreygreen · 10/05/2024 16:43

If your father has capacity you have no right to block this person from his phone without his consent.

You can certainly advise him not to be so involved with her, and create circumstances that make it difficult for her to influence what he does, but he has the right to make his own decisions, even if unwise.

Setting up and registering power of attorney would be useful, but is not usually activated until the person loses capacity.

Leypt1 · 10/05/2024 16:45

I agree that you should approach with caution.

However, your dad wants to be friends with her and it sounds like he has capacity? And it's highly possible that he will perceive you cutting her out as a vindictive move

Have you checked his bank accounts for any suspicious activity, worked with him to freeze cards, etc?

Once this is done and his accounts are all secure to your satisfaction, maybe you will feel more comfortable allowing visits with supervision from your family.

After all, she could actually be his friend?