The assistant

[skgnome]

Posting here for traffic, will try to keep short, but don’t want to drip feed
my mum very recently passed away after being unwell for several years (chronic conditions), although my parents had a lot of help my dad took over as her main career. This took a big tool on his mental and physical health, both of them on their 80’s and very proud to accept help
the last year or so, they had a rota of helpers (paid and family) around, the last one (2 months) was a lady who came over to keep them company and drive my dad around
my dad is very trusting, and he gave her credit card pins, showed her his online banking, let her took decisions around his house - and as my mum health deteriorated they became close friends
i have now brought him to leave with me (and my family) - have liquidated the assistant… problem is she calls and texts him every day saying “she really cares about him and wants to make sure he’s ok”
extended family have all said they feel she’s “playing a dangerous game” and we have talked to him - however he’s recently widowed and obviously it’s a lot mentally for him, on his side she was his friend and does not sees the need to cut contact - I do want to block her number, but I’m also aware he’s a grown man, he’s going through a lot and I don’t want this to backfire. He intends to spend a couple of months at my house and then go back to “sort his affairs” (aka - clean the family home) and wants her to help him. Numerous family members have already offered to help on this, so she’s not really needed.
would it be unreasonable to block her from his phone fully? Or should I give him a bit of time to go through the healing process?

I’d also be thinking the worst unfortunately. Has she helped herself to his bank account at all - can you check? I’d change the cards and PIN numbers she has access to asap. And yes I would tell her to back off - is she employed by an agency or anything?

Change his PINs and passwords asap!

Maybe consider a card such as Sibstar (don't know of any similar ones but there may be others available) for him, if you worry about the fact that PINs etc could be given away willingly, or information somehow saved or memorised from the period when the contact was more frequent.

If she was genuine, she would have told you as soon as he gave her his PIN and said “you need to advise him to change it, I don’t want to be accused of anything untoward”

Does your father have capacity? Because if he does, you simply can't dictate who he talks to and how he lives his life.

I'd be encouraging him to use a pre-loaded cashcard rather than a debit card, and ask him to let you monitor his account (the wait time for LPA is unfortunately very long at the moment, but you need to get on that).

My mum had capacity to the end, but with LPA and her permission, we managed her account and paid bills (she was housebound due to a stroke).

But hard though it is (my mum made some terrible decisions, but it was her right to make them) you don't get to dictate who his friends are, and conveniently 'lose' them

Edited to add that the bar for capacity is extremely low. Making poor decisions does not equal lack of capacity. Even mild to moderate dementia doesn't prevent the person having capacity in some areas.

... also to apply for LPA the donor has to have capacity.

If your sister is a solicitor, I'm surprised she hasn't already suggested putting this in place. It's something that can be done from the age of 18, to be used when necessary or with permission. I've had mine in place for years, with my daughters as attorneys. Without having it for her, my mum's care would have been a nightmare.

Thanks everybody, locks have been changed at his house, ring camera installed, and I do have access to all his accounts online, had to change passwords and nips
he does has capacity, my instinct is telling me to block, but I also feel that as an adult he has a right to make his own decisions and blocking “his friend” maybe detrimental to our relationship - however I’m aware she may just be after his money so I’m trying to walk that fine line here

This. Immediately.

My dad's 'friend' has access to his bank account and pin numbers etc. she takes the cash out. He lives abroad.
She is part of a gang. Her husband is effectively making her do this as my dad is a easy target.
Please please please do not trust her. Change all passwords. Block. And report her to the authorities.

You can do LPA print them off from online yourself and OP'S sister is a solicitor in any event. Our ones I did recently came through in around 3 weeks from sending in.

Yes, and AgeUK will help with doing POA.

@Spirallingdownwards I did mine myself and it was pretty quick. But the processing time was quoted as around 20 weeks (officially, on the OPG website) very recently.

https://www.lastingpowerofattorney.service.gov.uk/guide#topic-what-is-an-lpa

"but I do question her motives*
Based on the friendship and her caring? Do you have anything else? Has she stollen from your dad during all this time she cared for him and your mum?

Wow ours must have hot someone's desk at just the right time!

@skgnome read what @ByUmberViewer wrote.

I have dealt with various carers for a relative and it is (Sadly) very common to find people who will build a great relationship with the person they care for - aiming for the position where the family and the person think they are fantastic - and then use that relationship as a lever for personal gain.

The personal gain can be anything ranging from day to day financial abuse (using cards/PIN for personal benefit), manipulating person to give them gifts, manipulating to change the will or just straigh forward demanding greater and greater rates that become extortinate just to keep them (knowing the family are relieved they have found a good person their relative likes).

Remember that at the end of the day, it is just a job for this person and they should be acting professionally. It isn't a friendship in reality.

@Spirallingdownwards

You can do LPA print them off from online yourself and OP'S sister is a solicitor in any event. Our ones I did recently came through in around 3 weeks from sending in.

Are you 100% sure that this has been done correctly and you have received them back from the Office of the Public Guardian authorised?

Did you have anyone to notify of the registration before it was done?

They are massively backed up, are open about it (see someone elses screen shot above) and I did one that took 6 months recently.

You should have the original form back with a number perforated through every page by the OPG.

Sorry if it's teaching grandmothers to suck eggs but it just range alarm bells for me that it was 3 weeks as it just doesn't sound right and if there is a problem, it may cause big problems later down the line.

*rang alarm bells.

How can you block a grown man from talking to someone who helped him a lot and he considers a friend? Did she actually steal money out of his accounts when she had his cards and his PINs? If so tell the police, if not you are being really unreasonable. By all means tell him he shouldn't give his cards and PINs to anyone and that includes family and get him to change the PINs and passwords that anyone else may know. But let him enjoy a little friendly interaction.

@Bumblebeeinatree
How can you block a grown man from talking to someone who helped him a lot and he considers a friend?

Because she is not a friend. She was a paid carer/assistant. It was a job for her.

If you are professional in this field, you maintain a boundary. It might be one thing if the relationship was a good and healthy one to keep in touch occassionally (Christmas card, that type of thing) but calling/texting every day after a job termination is clearly manipulative and a indicator of a likely abusive relationship.

Think of it like this, if you had a nanny for your child who had a good relationship with the child and they left, would you expect the nanny to call every day - or even once a week to speak to the child and check in on them? No of course you wouldn't - it is over stepping a boundary.

As I've said in my post above, I've seen a lot of this in elderly care. It's a field that seems to attract a disproportionate amount of those set on manipulation and taking advantage.

It is very very clear to me from your post and its wording that you have never had experience of having to arrange carers for vulnerable elderly relatives.

Yes thanks. All correct my husband and I are both solicitors too.