To think dieting is pointless and not to bother despite being unhappy with my weight?

[Daughterr]

I've in my late 20s, size 18-20. I was a size 10/12 until I went to university and was very unhappy, anxious and depressed there and I've been a size 18ish ever since. I comfort eat every evening, I've tried to replace it with yoga, walks, journalling but none of it feels as comforting for me. I've tried counting calories, intermittent fasting, trying to eat 'normally' (i.e., 3 meals a day). I'm coeliac so I can't eat gluten which has cut out lots of cakes, biscuits, doughnuts, baguettes, etc. I just don't think any of it works, at least not in the long-term. I remember sitting in a nutrition lecture at university, and the lecturer saying diets don't work, and the scientific lecture supports that as most people regain the weight they have lost.

I'm so angry at myself that this will yet again be another summer where I'm wearing jeans and long sleeves in the 30 degree heat because I'm too insecure. But AIBU to think there's no point in even trying with dieting?

This. You're too young to give up on your health.

Why are you comfort eating? Address that and the diet may naturally improve.

sorry it posted before I'd finished

But if it isn't, or your health is becoming a concern, then you may have to bite the bullet and make some changes, perhaps fill the void with something different if you can? Or have treats but just smaller ones/less often?

Four things that work for me.

#1 replace comfort eating with a drink of herbal tea. Some are great hot or cold. I particularly like mint any type, Twinings do a Peach & Orange one that is also gret cold. Ginger in any combination ... you'll have to try a few and don't get the cheap stuff, it often smells like grass cuttings!
The smell is just as important as the taste.

#2 forget about doing any sort of diet! Instead get fit! Join a gym or not ... do some exercise every other day. If you walk, make a note of the time and distance... do it for a week, then up the game and try to do it 5 min faster or add a few 100 yards.... and so on. Afterwards you'll be hungry, if you can, time it with your lunch or dinner. Also helpful: have a glass of hot/ cold water with 1/2 freshly squeezed lemon (or orange) straight after exercise to curb that sugar/ hunger craving.
#3 find out what else makes you unhappy. Try and adress the issues and either learn to put up with it or change it.
Look every morning in the mirror and say "I am fit, healthy and beautiful, thank you"

#4 accept that change does not happen quickly, it takes time, so give yourself that time. If you need a goal, set it for 12-18 months time... as the saying goes, Rome wasn't built in one day!!

Thing is though, this is the answer. Just stop. It's all that works. Like any addiction you can't stop until you do stop and then you just stop. No amount of advice will help the OP just like no amount of advice will help an alcoholic or an anorexic or a nail biter or gambler. They eventually decide to stop. Or they don't.

Diets dont work, we all know that. To deprive yourself of foods that you love to lose weight, then get to target and go straight back to eating those foods you felt deprived of , the weight all comes back

Ive managed to get down from a size 14 jeans last April to a size 8 today and the only thing I have deprived myself of is white bread - mostly now because if I do eat it, it kills me. Today when out shopping for those jeans, I got hungry and there was a McD's and in I went and ordered, double cheese burger, fries, and mini mcflurry. I ate half the burger, a few of the fries and half the mcflurry ( sun was shining after all ) and the rest was binned. Yes a waste of good food and hard earned money and perhaps I should have just ordered a mcflurry. But for me its all about hearing thats really what I fancied, what I really wanted and going with it, but only eating till I was full

If I hadnt have had that, Id be here now snacking because the want of that McD's would still be with me

Ive made changes to my food choices obviously. I dont eat bread, so the butter is away as well. If I do want a bread product, its wholemeal and its rare. So Sandwiches for work lunch are off the menu and because I dont have the sandwich, that packet of crisps isnt added. I eat veg or fruit with every meal. I cook from scratch so I control whats going in

I eat chinese, indian, pizza , fish and chips etc, only I cook it at home and adapt the recipe - air fry chips are lush and better then an oven chip, making a curry, I soften the onions in water rather then ghee, fish is now au natural , pizza is made on a wholemeal pitta or flatbread, and veg is everywhere, even scrambled egg has a side of some sort of veg - asparagus is my go to atm, if not some tomatoes and cucumbers slices and spring onions

I cant buy biscuits or cakes, I cant stop if i start, I know that so I avoid them but if Im away having coffee with a friend, Im not going to say no - because thats not an every day event.

Whats changed for me is the idea that if I do have that mcD's , it doesnt mean Ive failed, it means Ive had a treat and that my next meal will be a proper balanced meal. If I have an ice cream, well that's ok as well, Im just mindful of what I am eating the rest of the day. One meal or treat isnt going to stop the scales heading down, its what happens afterwards

I try to plan meals in advance and make sure I have healthier choices to hand at all times. Planing meals means theres none of this sod this, dont know what we are having - get take out. I know what we are having

I'm so angry at myself that this will yet again be another summer where I'm wearing jeans and long sleeves in the 30 degree heat because I'm too insecure.
A size 18 can look fabulous in summer clothes. Why not get some styling ideas from Instagram or YouTube? You need to feel positive about your body.

Dieting won’t solve difficulties around the psychological relationship you have with food. I highly recommend you read the book intuitive eating as a starting point to addressing those. Even better if you can see professional help, as you need to find new coping mechanisms other than comforting and distracting yourself with food.

Group therapy might help you. I don't mean something like weight watchers, a CBT group for eating issues run by a psychologist. If you can't find that individual CBT therapy might help as you can learn coping methods other than eating your feelings. I'm not saying it's easy or anything but it can help some people, group CBT is more effective than individual therapy but they're both worth a try if you can afford or access either. If you have a university nearby that had psychology courses you might find they run relatively cheap group/individual therapy.

You've only talked about food in your post. You've not said what you do with yourself the rest of the time. If you're comfort eating it means there's something unsatisfying in your life right now and you're filling a void by eating.

I've always been at my slimmest when I've got plenty going on in my life that I'm passionate about- when work, play and relationships are fulfilling and meaningful.

You need to find what it is in life that makes you happy that isn't food. Food only makes you happy for a moment anyway.

Do you have a career you love?
Do you have friends/family/a relationship?
Do you have hobbies that you are passionate about?
Do you travel?
Are you creative?
Do you volunteer your time to anything worthwhile?
Is there a form of exercise you really enjoy?
Would you benefit from joining clubs? Book group, photography, walking group, wild swimming etc etc.

Throw yourself into life and don't leave time to dwell on food.

Your feelings resonate with me and I want you to know that you are worth more than this.
You are worth the time and effort it will take to achieve the goal you want to. But you have to fix the head first.
Explore your relationship around food and try and realise that negative self doubting and hurtful voice in your head isn't actually your voice. Whose is it? Deal with that first and the you'll be able to sort the weight out.

I had various different types of therapy for what I would have called 'emotional eating', it all had very little effect, perhaps for a little while but then the changes would fizzle out

My GP used to say, its just the mechanics you need help with (meaning you just need a method to stop you/prevent you from eating so much) and I thought he was talking rubbish because I was so caught up in this emotional eating narrative.
However with weight loss drugs, they just switch off the cravings and the food noise, and WLS does the same, you simply cant eat the way you did, so you dont.

I still have a desire to eat too much, because I love food and I love eating and Im naturally quite greedy, Im inclined to excess, but when you physically cant you realise its not emotional eating, its just that I enjoy it.

I think you’re looking for reasons not to do it. It’s futile so I may as well not bother.

if you’re unhappy then only you can fix this and yes it will take effort. Effort to change your routine, change your habits, but you can do it. Is it hard, yes of course, is it impossible, absolutely not.

I don't understand the argument that 'diets don't work' because people regain weight. It's used as an excuse not to try to manage weight gain IMO.
I've lost and gained weight all my adult life. I have a weight 'problem' as in I can't naturally maintain a healthy weight because I emotionally eat and tend to binge. So yes, each time I've lost weight I've gained it again. But this means I've remained in the same weight bracket for the past 17 years (since pregnancy, prior to that I was in a lower weight range) with a range of 2 stone between highest and lowest. If I hadn't dieted sporadically what would I weigh now? If I hadn't heard the alarm every time I reached the highest point and made the effort to lose a stone or so, what would I be? Seriously obese is what I would be. So no, I've never kept the weight off, but I've also avoided becoming debilitatingly overweight.

I agree that dieting doesn't work in the sense that it's a temporary fix and it's quite difficult!
What does work is long term lifestyle changes that you can stick at forever. I was in my 40s when I finally found something that worked. For me it was 16/8 and walking a minimum of 10,000 steps a day. I've been doing this for nearly 10 years now and have maintained a healthy BMI the whole time. I find it incredibly easy and I feel good. In fact when I don't stick to it (if I'm on holiday for example) I feel awful and can't wait to get back to it.
I know you've tried intermittent fasting but different things work for different people. My previously overweight friend took up running in her 40s and it's transformed her life and her body. Running is not for me (I really hate it!) but it works for her. Another friend got in to plant based food. She lost weight and feels amazing.
You need to find healthy changes you can make that you enjoy and want to stick at.

Dieting doesn't work if you see a "diet" as a special way of eating for a short time. To keep weight off you need to find a way of eating and living you enjoy and can live with where you take on fewer calories each day. Pointless diets are when someone has special meals for a couple of months then breathes a sigh of relief when down to desired weight and reverts to old habits and put it all on again. Most normal weight people don't comfort eat. Tackling that habit would help but only if you want to.

It is possible to stop comfort eating but it requires work and addressing the root cause.

Something like slimpod or noom might help you. Or hypnosis or therapy.

You are very young to just give up and be unhappy. And your health will suffer.

I think the worry is that you can’t take it forever and when people stop it seems like the weight goes on as with any other diet.

OP it’s hard and I don’t have the answer. I found Brain over Binge (podcast/books) really helpful and I think that’s the approach that makes the most sense to me.

Fad diets don't work, eating natural unprocessed food does though. I call it the 'low packaging' diet, generally stuff in plastic and loads of individual wrappers is bad for you. So you want to comfort eat in the evenings, a bowl of Fage yogurt, frozen berries, granola and a drizzle of honey is sweet and refreshing and you can't eat a huge portion compared to a Mars bar.

Doing something th at brings you comfort is not pathetic.

Diets don’t work but changing habits do! Start out by trying to change one thing. What one thing do you thing would
make a small difference? Could you look at a less calorie dense comfort food? If you are drinking calories can you stop?

This works for some people but I do did loads and loads of therapy and explored my relationship with food and faced up to lots of issues. Was all interesting and illuminating but didn’t ultimately change my eating.
brain over binge talks about the fact you’re not broken, there’s not something wrong with you, your primitive brain is just urging you to binge and overeat and “all” you need to do is learn to resist the urges. Yoh don’t have to sort out all your issues!

I've had slow weight gain in my 40s and 50s and have found the Slimpod programme seems to be working to reverse that. It features a daily hypnosis session and video coaching which works for me. It's a slow weight loss but doesn't feel difficult.

There will be a reason why you're comfort eating and you need to address that with a professional. I suspect your lecturer was saying that diets don't work because most people see the changes as temporary as opposed to a long term lifestyle shift. If you can find a way to make sustainable changes you absolutely can lose weight and keep it off, I am living proof of that. But until you can find the root cause of your comfort eating you won't get anywhere so that's where you need to start.

What’s your “comfort” food?

I hear you and I am in a bit of a yo yo stage, flipping between 10.5 stone and 12 stone. I'm 5'2" so when I'm 12 stone it shows and I get asked if I'm pregnant

If my weight stayed the same I may think 'fuck it' but the issue is I will keep gaining. So I'd rather flip between 2 weights instead of giving in, because I know the scales will creep to 13, then 14 stone etc.

Can you comfort eat apples instead of what you comfort eat now? You may not crave them but once eaten they do satisfy a lot and make you feel better.