Has your motherhood journey been what you wanted/expected?

[Welovecrumpets]

I was just discussing this on another thread and am curious.

I have 2 wonderful children who are thriving and fairly easy to be honest so I know how lucky I am, and rationally I know these are minor complaints.

My first baby was only 6 months when covid hit so most of my maternity leave was spent holed up in our flat in a heatwave dealing with a crawling and then walking baby who was bored stiff. I still feel a bit sad we didn’t really get to fully enjoy our time together, we were confined to 1 room 23 hours a day for months, hardly saw anybody, didn’t do anything. We didn’t have a garden or enough space to set up elaborate play areas.

My second baby was quite a worrying pregnancy, hyperemesis which meant I was bedbound for months, some medical concerns which took weeks of tests to put to rest, followed by an awful birth which we felt lucky to emerge from (relatively) unscathed due to negligence by the hospital who carried out an investigation and apologised. I had read so many stories about second births being better that I suppose I expected it to go well and it was very disappointing that it went so wrong.

That aside as I said my children are wonderful and I feel very lucky, but sometimes those memories just come back and bite me on the bum a little. I suppose I’m just curious to hear from others about their motherhood journey and whether it’s been what they expected/hoped for. All stories welcome, just a chat.

It's not been what I wanted no. I'm blessed to be a mum and I love my kids but with a child with SEND and no school place having him has decimated my life because he's got no school place due to incompetent LA. I've lost my job, my partner, my friends and energy. Everything goes into caring for my disabled child. I miss working. I miss my social life. I face discrimination every day. I feel for my son as the world is hard for him but the impact on me has been more than I expected. His siblings suffer. I can't have more children as I may want because he needs me so much. I'm not a person anymore I'm just a tired stressed carer. And I'm wracked with guilt over hating my existence because of one of my children. And I know I'm not unusual. The state of SEND provision is universally shit

No, I am expressing an opinion. This revisionism of language use and understanding is ridiculous. Life is not a sodding journey, nor are subsets of life. The only journey is an actual journey

I don’t think I’ve finished having babies, my first is almost 20 months and we are planning to try for a second once she’s 2. But no, it hasn’t been what I expected.

I had a fairly straightforward pregnancy right up to the end when I was diagnosed with pre eclampsia at 38 weeks. She arrived 3 days later in a bit of a whirlwind, followed by an awful, traumatic couple of nights in hospital, difficulty breastfeeding as she had a tongue tie and almost got readmitted for weight loss at which point I switched to formula feeding. it all spiralled from there and honestly the first 6 months - 1 year I was crippled by overwhelming post natal anxiety and guilt thinking I was doing everything wrong - the main “problem” being not breastfeeding. I had so many ideas of what life with a newborn would be like - I was going to wear her in a sling, take her of coffee dates and play dates with new Mum friends that I would meet at baby groups. I was going to breastfeed exclusively and use cloth nappies. In the end, I did none of that - I felt like I was just in survival mode and now when I look back I feel really sad that I missed out on the lovely newborn experience people talk about. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I was doing a perfect job and that it would all work out okay in the end.

I am now really loving life as a Mum, I feel more confident and I finally feel like I have a good balance and know what I’m doing. I no longer dread being alone with her or count down the hours until bedtime. She’s amazing and we have so much fun together and watching her little personality develop is just the best thing.

If we are lucky enough to have a second baby, I hope things will feel different but who knows!

This 10000 fold

mine are 15&12 and I feel like I am constantly one huge ball of worry and anxiety all the time and I hate this stage they’re hurtling through where suddenly you realise they don’t love you as much as you love them anymore and they will never love you as much as you love them. It’s just really really hard

Not what I wanted or expected but better - much harder than I thought but much better 😊

I’ve said that I wasn’t. I was a first time mum in 2008, with a baby who was in and out of hospital and having operations throughout her first year. With periods of pre-op quarantine yes. Oh and a then H who refused to get up with a baby who, due to illness, was sometimes up the entire night without so much as a nap between constant feeds. So I’d take a healthy lockdown baby experience any time!

I’d also take a lockdown mat leave over trying to homeschool a (then undiagnosed) 6 yo child (my second for maths geniuses) with ADHD whilst trying to do a full time job that was public sector so couldn’t be furloughed but didnt count as “key” as it could be done from home. As a single parent. With a year 6 child also, who missed all her leaving activities. And an exh who basically opted out of that period of time. It’s not hardship top trumps but I think that post is woefully lacking in self-awareness @Welovecrumpets

How is this 'revisionism'? People have been describing life as a journey for hundreds and hundreds of years. 'In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood, where the straight way was lost'? Is that canonical enough? The fecking Bible uses metaphors of life as a journey, too.

I find 'motherhood journey' a bit twee personally - because I too easily associate that phrase with hyper-positive instagrammers hashtagging 'blessed' and so on. But that's probably on me, really. It certainly isn't fair to pretend it's a new piece of language.

I was trying to be very nice until I got that sad attempt at a “gotcha” back at me

It absolutely isn't...its way better.

I could never see myself as a SAHM, then he arrived and it just suddenly felt like that was it..and my life changed and I absolutely loved it.
I Still do love it, he is 6 now and he is going through a little stage of knowing best, which is exhausting and repetitive - but in between that, he is hilarious, I am proud every day of how well mannered and kind he is (and I don't get bored of being told all those nice things about him).

I love that I thought being a parent would take a part of my character or life away from me and on reality it is just added to me and my life.

Even I agree it’s twee! I just thought if I put ‘motherhood’ people would just assume it was birth onwards whereas some of what I wrote was about pregnancy and was interested to hear about that too. It’s hilarious how triggered some people seem by me using it 😬

@VestibuleVirgin i suggest you write to Robert Frost to correct The Road Not Taken. Unacceptable he talked of roads and travelling when the whole thing was metaphorical and speaking of life’s divergences and what could have been. Just unacceptable.

Oh jeez leave OP alone. Who cares she called it a journey why are people crying over it. Mumsnet is so weird

Anyway, very glad to see some of you have had great journeys ( 😉) and are finding motherhood extremely fulfilling. It’s been interesting reading your stories and I hope those who are struggling get some kind of luck coming your way soon

@Citygirlrurallife
Don't I can't bear it!
Sometimes the only thing that gets me up in the morning is the look of love on DC's face.
If that goes, I'm screwed!

Don’t worry about it, I think some people like to take their unhappiness or bad day out on mumsnet posts.

I thought this would just be a chatty thread to hear others experiences. I momentarily forgot that any mumsnet thread can end up in a row. 😅

A journey implies starting in one place and moving to another. Not going round and round in circles slowly going mad.

It's been pleasingly easy so far (touch wood). I was prepared for a rebellious mini me which would have been hell, thankfully they are more like DH.

Haha, brilliant!

Ooh, I don't know - have you ever driven in Milton Keynes?!

Agree. Very difficult time with eldest son due to his disabilities and with the younger two I just worry what sort of world we’ve brought them into. Absolutely no way I’d have kids if I could have my time again. Both my daughters have said they won’t have children. Ones only 18 but the other is 33 and showing no signs of changing her mind. I honestly don’t blame her.

It's not what I expected.
I was left with a birth injury after my first and when I finally felt semi normal lockdown hit. I still feel angry I was robbed of my mat leave and more angry I followed the bloody rules and had my own mother looking at her DGC through a window for the first lockdown, whilst Boris and co were drinking in Westminster.

Second time around I enjoyed the baby days but they went so fast.
I had two miscarriages last year and I feel like a worse mother because of it. I'm shouty and short tempered and it makes me cry just thinking about how snappy I am. I was never this person.

I absolutely love the bones of my kids but it's hard. Much harder than I thought. I feel like my marriage is rocky at best and honestly? I'd just like a fucking lie in 😂

@PurpleBugz big hug, it's crap isn't it x

🤣🤣🤣

No and no. Up until my boys were about 10 i loved motherhood , now they are teens and one is now diagnosed autistic , family life has been brutally hard, marriage is hanging on by a thread, and although i wouldnt want to live if something happened to them, i miss my life so much and wonder if they will even bother keeping in touch when they leave home one day. It makes me incredibly sad.

I'm not sure if I want kids anyway but this thread is quite eye-opening, so many bad birth experiences and children with complex needs, as well as single motherhood (which I don't imagine is easy) am wondering if I could cope with any of that.