To give up on breastfeeding?

[Passenger7]

DS is 3 weeks old. I had always gone into feeding with an open mind knowing several people who tried to BF but couldn’t and got very stressed over it. So I’m eating my words now I’m in this situation!

I had a difficult labour with a failed induction and a subsequent caesarean. DS was very small and needed medical intervention at birth. I didn’t have skin to skin, the section happened quite fast and the whole hour felt like a blur. He was shown to me when born then went to be checked before my DH held him etc, by the time he got to me he was dressed. Due to his size we had to syringe feed him my expressed colostrum and then formula from a cup as his sugars were low. My obs after the operation were also off so we didn’t get any time together to bond until the day after the c-section.

The outcome is DS really can’t latch, we’ve tried and tried but he just can’t. The few times he’s got a mouthful of nipple he falls asleep or he can’t suck. He’s had a tongue tie diagnosed and cut. I’ve tried nipple shields but again he doesn’t understand them. We do a lot of skin to skin which ends in tears for both of us as DS tries to latch of his own accord and he can’t. I’ve been expressing to maintain my supply but been told I need to do this 8x per day ideally and it’s very time consuming, it means DS does get some breastmilk.

Meanwhile DS is predominantly FF and thriving to be honest, he’s gained over 1lb since he was born (he only weighed 5lb 5oz at birth, full term). He sleeps well, he takes bottles fine.

We’ve had a huge amount of external support on the BF side, from midwives, feeding specialists and consultants. My positioning is good, they’re happy with his tongue tie now but no one can tell us why DS still can’t latch properly.

This has culminated in a visit with a lactation consultant today who thinks the best way forward is to increase the expressing, and only after a few weeks building supply can we think about reintroducing DS to the breast. She said there’s no guarantee he will get it as the whole journey has been so interrupted.

So I feel I’m at a point I need to decide if I continue trying or just put this aside. I feel quite down about my birth experience and I’ve struggled feeling inadequate as I can’t feed and didn’t give birth ‘properly’. I feel like giving up on feeding would be another failure, but then on the other hand it’s causing me a huge amount of stress and the pumping is incredibly time consuming on top of caring for DS. I know if I give up on BF that’s the end of the road and I keep thinking I’ll be so disappointed in myself when my milk dries up. I’ve become fixated on it but before he was born I was never really bothered one way or another. I feel like if I don’t BF DS won’t know I’m his mum.

WIBU to call time on the BFing?

Absolutely not. I had a very similar experience with DS1. I was so much better physically and mentally once I stopped pumping and trying and pumping and trying. You’ve given it a lot of effort. The choice is ultimately yours but if I had my time again I wouldn’t have struggled so long. Xx

Not unreasonable at all to call time on BF, and of course your DS will know you're his mum. Feeding is just a part of mothering.
It's clear from your post that you've tried lots of things. I can't make up my mind though whether you're really looking for permission to stop BF, or whether you want to be persuaded to keep trying!
Have you considered exclusive pumping? This means stopping all attempts at latching, but continuing to pump and give by bottle. Some women are able to produce enough milk after a while of building supply to stop formula altogether.
It's time consuming as you know to pump 8 times a day but I found once I stopped latching attempts, I was much less stressed and upset and so was my baby. I realised the thing limiting my supply was spending so long attempting to get baby to nurse and I was better off spending 30 mins 7-8 times a day pumping. Once I cracked pumping and feeding simultaneously, it all became pretty straightforward. Have to say I rarely managed 8 times a day but still was able to stop formula by 7 weeks, and reduced pump sessions as baby got older.

I hired a hospital grade pump and bottle fed premature twins with expressed milk as neither would latch.

I then stopped at 10 weeks and switched to formula but massively regretted it as pumping was so much easier than faffing with formula.

The high street shop pump was rubbish!

No not unreasonable at all
I made a similar choice with both mine at 3 weeks where expressing and bottle feeding just wasn't sustainable.
They thrived on formula and were very healthy children.
Think of the bigger picture. Breast feeding at the cost of an exhausted mum and no real pattern is not helpful xx

Sound like so much effort and it's making you stress jn the early days of motherhood and probably affecting your experience. I would say just go to formular but there's no reason you can't pump still and feed some expressed milk or try breastfeeding again but without the pressure. You haven't failed at all! It's doesn't work for a lot of people and there's no shame in that. You have had alot of things against you and no wonder its not been easy. Also you need to come to terms with the bad birth experience as it sound like you are taking the trauma with you and again, it's probably ruining your experience of motherhood. C section is absolutely not a failed birth, it's a way to get your baby out safely and quickly when things haven't worked. Our lifestyles now mean that birth isn't simple like it used to be and sometimes c sections are necessary. I got to the pushing stage with my.baby and he just couldn't come down so needed a c section. Didn't mean I had failed, it meant I didn't die and my baby was born safely. Look into your maternity units birth counselling (mine is called birth reflections) it will help you to understand why your birth went the way it did. C sections make up over a third of births now and are completely.neccessay. I hope you come to terms with that soon and work out the feeding and enjoy your precious first months with your baby.

Yanbu, fed is best. I also struggled with my oldest and the utter pain of pumping around the clock, eating specific things only to rule out this and that issue, being the only one to feed my baby and then doing combi feeding in any case, I gave up. My MH improved and I felt only after that did I actually bond more with my baby.
With my second I went straight to FF and it really was a much better experience. Fed is best.

You’re not unreasonable to call it a day, OP. Remove the stress and expectations and start enjoying life with your baby.

I had very small but full term twins (5lb) who sound identical to your DS. They were almost permanently asleep, would latch very briefly and then fall asleep - on repeat for hours a day, for two months. I also expressed for 2 months which sucked all my life, energy and happiness.

I threw it all out and FF. Haven’t looked back since and my now 6yr olds are brilliant, healthy, intelligent and perfect. I regret wasting 2 months being a shell of a mother.

Not unreasonable. I battled on until about 12 weeks with barely any milk and honestly it was hell. I think about how stupid it all was now. I spent my life sat in a darkened room, crying, doing skin to skin, breastfeeding and pumping. Really bad times. The problem with breastfeeding is once you start it’s very difficult to give up on because there’s actually a lot of emotional investment that goes into it and it is lovely to be close to your baby.

Always put your sanity first and if stopping helps with this, then stop.

I FF DC1 and BF DC2. It was worked best for my DCs and me.

Someone shared this advice with me when I was in a similar position with DC1, so I’m sharing it with you…

It is absolutely, 100%, completely fine to move away from BF if that’s what works best for you and baby right now.

At the moment, I know that it feels like a really big deal, but I assure you in a few years you won’t be able to spot the EBF babies from those who were formula fed from day 1. The importance of this really does diminish with time.

You are a caring loving mother. You’re doing a great job.

The first few weeks breastfeeding are the hardest without all of the other factors with your ds and the birth! However, if you think you will be really disappointed why don't you give yourself a time limit and if it hasn't improved by then switch over? I absolutely hate pumping so I get it but you can get hands free ones that sit in your bra. And if you do decide to switch you have tried your hardest and shouldn't feel guilty at all

Small babies lack the strength and muscle tone to breastfeed. If you pump and feed via bottle so he can put some weight on then you may find he can suddenly do it (this happened with my DD when she was about 5 weeks old - she was born a little over 6lb and a few weeks early and was really tired and frail). But it’s up to you obviously

Do what feels best for you 💐

This is nearly exactly my experience and I'm in the same place right now. LO likes nipple shields but tbh only really uses me as a dummy. I'd say is 80% formula fed and I feel like I've done him a disservice by not persevering but had to see these comments to stop being so hard on myself. Whichever choice you make I'm sure it'll be best for you and baby. They will still thrive on formula.

Push through and stick with it - honestly it's so much cheaper and more convenient than arsing around warming and cleaning bottles.

Totally an individual decision. A friend of mine exclusively pumped for 6 months, using a really effective breast pump machine she loaned from the hospital. I was in awe of her efforts and determination. For some it would be too much. Only you can decide, and its OK whatever you choose.

This is as good a time as any to learn that what matters for your child is that they're fed, clean, breathing and have you in the best condition you can be to respond to them. What ideas you had in your head before delivery are irrelevant. Your personal feelings of achievement or failure are meaningless. Your baby knows nothing about them and doesn't care. They got out into the world in one piece, you've done all you could do at every stage, and they're content. The only potential risk factor in this scenario is the pressure you're putting yourself under. Be happy. Be adequate. It's not a competition. Your baby isn't secretly evaluating your performance. I FF all my babies (had to) and they're healthy, clever and beautiful despite my constant mediocrity as a mother. The things I wish I'd done more is make sure I was ok.

The first 6 weeks of breastfeeding are so hard even without all those other factors. Stop being so hard on yourself it sounds like your doing an amazing job, you gave it a go and stopping breastfeeding really isn’t a big deal, your baby will know that you’re their mum not matter how you feed them.

I’m usually a big advocate with persevering with BF, but pumping 8 times a day on top of caring for a newborn who may not even take to BF doesn’t feel sustainable. Formula feeding is absolutely fine, you can see yourself your DC is thriving on it.

In an ideal world you’d have established breastfeeding, but parenting isn’t in an ideal world and you have to do what’s best in the situation you end up

Like yours, my firstborn would not latch on or even suck - just completely refused to. I had a very painful forceps delivery with a massive episiotomy and piles that could have appeared in the Guinness book of records.

The midwife came in one day and just said "Enough!" I FF from then on, but even that was a challenge as she would not suck.

I then went on to have 2 further girls who latched on a treat and fed till they were one.

There is no difference whatsoever in my relationship with them all. The method of feeding made no difference at all. I am definitely Mum to them all!

You have NOT failed in any way at all!!!

I'm a big advocate for breastfeeding but in your situation I'd definitely stop. It sounds really stressful!

You might be able to do it no issues with future children. I think the first few hours after birth are probably crucial to establishing a good breastfeeding journey.

My first was a difficult birth with my baby having to be taken away shortly after birth and it took a week to get her to latch. It just seemed impossible. My second was an easy natural birth and baby latched on without me doing anything to even encourage it 20 minutes after birth!

I'm sorry things haven't gone as you planned, but in 2 years it will all be forgotten and your baby will be absolutely fine. You've got this, mama.

I had a small baby 2nd time round (6 lbs), and she really struggled to latch at the start.

My lactation consultant said her mouth was too small and there was a "mouth nipple mismatch", bless her.

I was doing 50/50 formula and expressed but would try to BF a few times a day until she'd get too angry.

By about week 5 or 6 she was bigger and stronger and we turned a corner.

I'm glad we persevered as she's now EBF at 5 months and I find it way less of a faff (I hate cleaning bottles and prefer co-sleeping and breastfeeding) and obviously cheaper.

Having said this, do what feels right for you. It can be such a stressful time.

It wasn’t more convenient for me. I’ve breastfed for a total of 15 months and bottle fed for 6. I have no agenda but bottle feeding meant I had more freedom, if I went out for a couple of hours and the bus home was late then there wasn’t a screaming hungry baby waiting for me. I also hated planning breastfeeding clothes - you can’t wear long dresses, or playsuits, or anything remotely nice tbh. There’s only so many times you want to wear a strappy top up under a t shirt and cardigans. I often went out and realised my clothes wouldn’t permit feeding without massively exposing myself so would then have to traipse back to the car. Also meant I got more sleep as dad took on some night feeds. And messing around with pump parts etc is no fun either

This is extremely similar to my story, I was induced at 39 weeks, but had to have an emergency CS, they knew she was growth restricted, and she was 5lb when born.. I thought breastfeeding would be quite easy, but she would never really latch properly, it was only after 2 days in the hospital of getting very upset that someone came to see me and say the reason she couldn't feed effectively is because she was so small, and to keep at it, it seemed to make sense so we persevered, got outside help etc once out of hospital, but in the end I ended up exclusively pumping and bottle feeding her, it worked for us though as we were both at home so I could pump while DH fed her.

I managed to do it for 6 months and then my supply dropped and I just couldn't keep up with demand so we switched to formula, I wished at the time that we'd have done it sooner and saved a lot of faff to be honest, but in my mind at that time I was a failure if I couldn't do it.. it's really weird how it affects you at the time, I think post-baby hormones have a lot to answer for, so I can say with all honesty do what is best for you as a family.

Try not to get to caught up in what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' be doing as ultimately it doesn't matter in the end, if you think you may regret stopping then you could give pumping a try, or keep trying with latching, but honestly, as long as baby is fed, that's all that matters.

I realise I was lucky to be able to breastfeed all 3 of my DC. Had I had the experience you had I wouldn't think twice about FF. Honestly, nobody really cares about how they were fed when they get older - It just seems so very important at the time. Congratulations on your baby.