To give up on breastfeeding?

[Passenger7]

DS is 3 weeks old. I had always gone into feeding with an open mind knowing several people who tried to BF but couldn’t and got very stressed over it. So I’m eating my words now I’m in this situation!

I had a difficult labour with a failed induction and a subsequent caesarean. DS was very small and needed medical intervention at birth. I didn’t have skin to skin, the section happened quite fast and the whole hour felt like a blur. He was shown to me when born then went to be checked before my DH held him etc, by the time he got to me he was dressed. Due to his size we had to syringe feed him my expressed colostrum and then formula from a cup as his sugars were low. My obs after the operation were also off so we didn’t get any time together to bond until the day after the c-section.

The outcome is DS really can’t latch, we’ve tried and tried but he just can’t. The few times he’s got a mouthful of nipple he falls asleep or he can’t suck. He’s had a tongue tie diagnosed and cut. I’ve tried nipple shields but again he doesn’t understand them. We do a lot of skin to skin which ends in tears for both of us as DS tries to latch of his own accord and he can’t. I’ve been expressing to maintain my supply but been told I need to do this 8x per day ideally and it’s very time consuming, it means DS does get some breastmilk.

Meanwhile DS is predominantly FF and thriving to be honest, he’s gained over 1lb since he was born (he only weighed 5lb 5oz at birth, full term). He sleeps well, he takes bottles fine.

We’ve had a huge amount of external support on the BF side, from midwives, feeding specialists and consultants. My positioning is good, they’re happy with his tongue tie now but no one can tell us why DS still can’t latch properly.

This has culminated in a visit with a lactation consultant today who thinks the best way forward is to increase the expressing, and only after a few weeks building supply can we think about reintroducing DS to the breast. She said there’s no guarantee he will get it as the whole journey has been so interrupted.

So I feel I’m at a point I need to decide if I continue trying or just put this aside. I feel quite down about my birth experience and I’ve struggled feeling inadequate as I can’t feed and didn’t give birth ‘properly’. I feel like giving up on feeding would be another failure, but then on the other hand it’s causing me a huge amount of stress and the pumping is incredibly time consuming on top of caring for DS. I know if I give up on BF that’s the end of the road and I keep thinking I’ll be so disappointed in myself when my milk dries up. I’ve become fixated on it but before he was born I was never really bothered one way or another. I feel like if I don’t BF DS won’t know I’m his mum.

WIBU to call time on the BFing?

ABSOLUTELY GIVE UP.

Sounds EXACTLY what I went through with DC1 op. I had EMCS, also have flatish nipples and large breasts, and my son never ever latched. This was despite all the advice and spealists we could get.

I actually included the advice to pump 8-12 times a day as part of my formal complaint to PALS. When the actual fuck are we meant to rest?

Even with pumping 8 times a day, I could only ever get out 40% of what was needed. And it was double the work. I felt so much better when I gave up. Experience was so bad that I made the decision (apart from a tiny bit of colostrum) to not even bother trying with DC2.

Please take care of yourself and stop it now. X

No point pushing through when it doesn’t work. Some babies just don’t latch. Mine never ever did. Tried for 8 weeks.

Honestly pet, you've done so much to try and sort it, I think you need to put yourself first now, so you can actually enjoy your baby.

If it's any comfort, I tried to BF all four of mine, the first two ended up FF, the second two almost exclusively BF.

There is absolutely no difference between them, and they're now in their late twenties/early thirties.

Do what is best for you and your baby, and don't feel a failure. A happy, healthy baby is what you want, whether they're BF or FF.

Not at all and I say this as someone who has BF, it doesn't always work and it's not the end of the world. Formula is really not evil and your baby will do just fine on it.
Only if you feel you can carry on expressing and giving expressed milk and formula but if you can't then don't feel bad and carry on with the formula.

YANBU to stop, and YANBU to carry on.

He will absolutely know you’re his mum even if he never ever had any breastmilk! You’ve been through a lot, it’s okay to want to stop and it’s okay to want to carry on. It’s very emotive! Pumping is time consuming - if you want to carry on, could you invest in wearable pumps so you can hold baby etc while you do it, I’ve had friends who’ve done it while out for a walk or unloading the dishwasher or whatever! And then perhaps one or two pulls a day from a hospital grade pump (ideally an evening one and an early morning one?)

All that to say if you want to stop, you can. Of course! You matter too.

I did the whole bfing, pumping 8 x a day and then topping up with formula for DD1 and it totally broke me. I'm convinced it hugely contributed to the PND i had.

I've just been advised to do it again for DD2 and I've said no. For now, i put her on the breast for 20mins - what she gets, she gets, and then i give her formula. Yes, im sad ive never had the EBF experience with either of them, but my mental health feels way better already.

If you want to carry on topping up or move solely to formula, then absolutely feel free to do so. Equally, if you do decide to express, i recommend renting a medela symphony. Its only £50 a month so you dont have to spend a big outlay if in a months time you dont want to commit to expressing anymore.

The problem with expressing is that it doubles the amount of time for feeding, it can already take DS 30 mins to finish a bottle sometimes, then he needs to be burped then changed and fed. Then after all that I have to pump too. DH is helping a lot but it means we’re both up in the night and we’re exhausted when in theory only one of us would need to be. I’m dreading DH going back to work as he’s sharing the burden!

I have to say I had a horrific time with Dd when was tiny and I was desperately trying to bf.

I stuck with it and bf for 3 years, and honestly so thankful I never gave up. But it was horrific in the beginning. She never latched so I was pumping constantly and felt like I didn’t have time to love my baby. But after week 6 it all just clicked. She fed enough from me that I got rid of the pump and from then it was smoothish sailing.

If you truly want to bf, just stick it out a tiny bit longer. Especially if you feel you’ll beat yourself up about it at a later date (as I did!).

If not, just get some Kendamil in and enjoy it! No need for guilt, your baby doesn’t care as long as you’re happy and healthy and you love them.

i second renting a hospital grade pump from medela, massively reduces the time, increases the milk pumped and makes it all so much easier! I triple fed for three months before I finally got back to EBF and it was hell but for me it was worth it, you have to do what is right for you xxx

Then fuck that.

It's never unreasonable to stop breastfeeding. If you did want to keep at it, there's some good tips on here and you'd be totally reasonable to carry on. If you've had enough, crack open the formula and have at it.

And of course the baby will know who you are! The majority of babies in the UK aren't breastfed very long, and we aren't a society full of kids wandering round not knowing who their mums are. You'd have noticed if we were!

This. Take it from a mum of healthy 23 and 16 year olds - formula is fine, and a rested, happy mum is far better than a stressed, exhausted bf mum.

It's a very personal and individual decision that only you can make. If you choose to FF then of course he will know you're his mum! Feeding him can absolutely still be a really lovely close, bonding time for you both. And if you do decide you want to continue BF then I will echo a PP by saying that 3 weeks in is still very, very early days. Mine hadn't worked out how to latch by then. Eventually worked out how to do it using nipple shields, then a bit later on I weaned him off those and went on to BF for 2 years. Never would have thought it when I was crying my eyes out over it all 3 weeks in. We had a good BF supporter who helped to work out a structured plan (involved lots of skin to skin, laid back feeding, patiently trying to BF at the start of every feed, then if that didn't work moving on to trying with nipple shields, then if that still didn't work, giving a bottle). Rinse and repeat. They do get stronger as they get bigger and that helps.

This!

i am usually such a pusher for breastfeeding but it sounds like you’ve done absolutely everything and I cant stand pumping it’s such a load of work/painful etc so I think you’re well within your rights to congratulate yourself for amazing effort and move on.

it’s also generally much harder to establish BF after a c section so be proud of yourself for trying. This is not your fault

You don’t need to justify giving up pumping op. Like you said, it is literally double the work. If my DH hadn’t been wfh all lockdown during my first mat leave, i wouldn’t have been able to pump. I needed help. I did it for 5 long months and now i’m like why the actual fuck did that i do that to myself.

Have you tried the 'flipple' for little ones struggling to latch and used to bottle teats?

@HVPRN the lactation consultant essentially told me to stop putting him to the boob as he gets so upset and frustrated, until I’ve built a good supply and we can then reintroduce him to it.

If it makes you feel any better it doesn't sound like you've given up. You've tried everything you can and it unfortunately hasn't worked. It's not your fault. Breastfeeding is very hormonal. I felt so guilty and emotional stopping even though I'd planned to stop at that point anyway. Once I'd stopped and the hormones died down I wondered why I was so bothered. You might find if you do stop you quickly feel less strongly about it as your hormones regulate a bit.

It sounds like you’ve really persisted with this, and if you want to change to formula and stop pumping, it’s completely your decision. A fed baby and happy mum is best. He will still know you’re his mummy!

Fed is best.
Happy mum, happy baby.

you’ve done great to give your baby such a boost in the early days. But don’t beat yourself up, if it’s not working out, or making you miserable, it’s ok to stop. Your baby will still be the pinnacle of health, cause despite what can be said, formula fed babies are perfectly healthy too.

FWIW I pumped for 9 weeks exclusively with a hospital grade pump. I cried every single day, I was miserable but felt such guilt about stopping. The pumping on top of bottle feeds nearly killed me. I wish I could tell myself much earlier that it was ok to stop. When I think of it now I find it very distressing and wish I could give myself my hindsight advice. With DC2, I combi fed, best decision ever, we found a healthy balance but baby was fed and still got plenty of goodness. I couldn’t fathom a pump again. I’ll stop BF when ever I feel ready, but for now, it works.

Just get some formula and save yourself the stress. Don't even question it. x

Oh love, what a bloody awful time you've had! 😢 absolutely fine to stop with the breastfeeding and stick to formula if baby is thriving on it! You can have lots of cuddles and bonding while bottle feeding and the main thing is that baby is getting the nutrition he needs and you get all that pressure taken off you. Give yourself a break and stop with all the expressing - it's a nightmare 😩

Absolutely YWNBU

However - in case useful to know, it took almost exactly 2 weeks after frenulectomy for my preciously non-latching baby to "get it" and it was almost an overnight switch.

I had a planned CS, had no supply issues, did loads of skin to skin but my strong, emphatically rooting baby appeared to have no idea what to do with my nipple when he got onto it.

It was stressful, guilt-inducing, had me in tears, and the pumping/trying to feed/feeding expressed milk cycle was horrible. But I did persevere and luckily it worked and it is now super-convenient.

I'm now coming out the other side and using formula in a deliberate way to give myself some freedom and some sleep.

Please don't beat yourself up about the impact of the lack of skin to skin -you can keep doing plenty of it now regardless of feeding method and it will benefit your baby. And it didn't help mine latch in the first 2 weeks.

And for goodness sake please don't beat yourself up about the delivery method. The "proper" way is surely the one that leaves you both alive and healthy.

I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time. I had a very similar situation with similar advice and I can completely understand everything that you’re feeling. I just wanted to say that my LO definitely knows I’m his mummy despite formula feeding and is honestly the cuddliest out of all the babies we know. We have an amazing bond and I still have happy memories of being cuddled up feeding him despite it being with a bottle. I will say though that the decision to stop, although completely the right one for us, is still one that I’m struggling to come to terms with over a year on. Feeding is an emotional subject so be kind to yourself whatever decision you make.

Fed is best but my opinion is I would personally Keep going!
my baby is 6m old - I struggled so much at the beginning now I’m so glad I kept trying and my mum really kept encouraging me to keep preserving. I now absolutely love BF my baby, not only does it feel easier but it’s lovely bonding time I have with my baby and I’m so glad I had people who kept encouraging me as I just wanted to give up. I understand everyone and every case is different though!

My DC1 is now 9 and one of the most important things I've learned is that the caregiver's sanity and mental health is one of the most important things, if not the most important. So YANBU, and I say this as someone who is a big advocate of breastfeeding. It is a tiny part of your parenting journey. How you feed your baby is a massive deal now but it won't be eventually. It really won't matter. Like my DC2 who didn't walk until he was 2. I worried a lot about it. He's in y1 now and if you lined up all of his class you wouldn't be able to tell who walked first, who was breastfed, etc.

I promise, it really is OK to stop.