My dds weight

[wiseoldsnail]

My daughter is 12 and over the past year she has put on a lot of weight. I have noticed this especially over the last few days with the warmer weather and the clothes she has been wearing.

This is down to her diet mostly. She won't eat anything healthy and would live off pasta if she could. I've tried absolutely everything to encourage healthier options but she refuses to eat it. It's always been a battle with her and food but now it's starting to show. Mix this with her hormones of a 12 year old...it's safe to say I'm struggling!

She recently stopped swimming and doesn't do any after school clubs now she's in secondary school but we do walk often and she walks more now to the school bus stop and back each day. She has been diagnosed with dyspraxia so sport is very difficult for her anyway and PE is a big stress in her life so to get her to have a hobby on sports won't go down well. She does sometimes do the school dance classes which she enjoys.

I don't think my daughter realises she has put weight on which is a good thing but I have had a couple of comments about it myself from people close to us - not immediate family.

Is there any need to approach my concern to my daughter? In the kindest and lightest way? I do think this is going to be a huge issue in her life going forwards as her dad (no longer together) is now very obese and isn't bothered about his weight and doesn't try to take care of his health at all which I worry my daughter is going to have the same outlook on life. She only sees him every other weekend but eats nothing but junk food and drinks fizzy drinks when she is with him. I try very hard to make sure she has a balanced diet at home but it can cause some friction when she turns her nose up at everything. I've tried hiding veg, blending it into food etc but it doesn't work. The range of food she actually likes is very limited - basically just pasta.

I just have no idea whether to approach it or not. As I've said, her moods and attitude at the moment is next level and I sadly don't feel we are very close at the moment at all.

I'd love to be able to take her to the gym or something - actually do something together which equally might improve our relationship but as a single mum of 3 it's difficult as I'd always need childcare for the other 2!

Please talk to her about it and see if she will go with you to the GP to have her properly weighed and measured. I wish my mum had done that when I was her age.

Why are people commenting? Do they think you can't see it? Tread carefully. I was overweight at that age and lost weight because people kept making comments and went too far the other way. Still have food issues now.
Surely pasta with homemade tomato sauce isn't too bad? Just serve less of it? Will she eat wholewheat pasta? Put less cheese on it?
Go on lots of family walks if she'll join in with that. Don't mention it's to lose weight, just that you're doing it as a family activity.

Absolutely don’t do this. Don’t talk about it at all. Serve healthy food and go for long walks.

Can you go swimming as a family etc?

Don't drag her to the GP.

Smaller portions, don't buy junk, increase exercise as a family.

My mum declared me to be fat at the age of 7. She dragged me to the GP and spent my entire childhood restricting my food intake (without providing anything healthy) and telling me I was too fat to exercise. It became my fault I was overweight and now, in my mid-40s, I have serious issues with body image and almost zero self-esteem.

Lots of girls put on a bit of extra weight before they start their periods so at 12 it really could be that, especially if you are comfortable that she eats normally

I honestly think it’s their age. My dd is the same only eats healthy and exercises.
My neice was too and by 14 was skinny as a rake again.
Cook healthy food and encourage exercise. Don’t make it a big thing

I agree you shouldn’t dismiss it. I wouldn’t go the GP route, but I would make food about health in general. Are there any underlying reasons for the lack of variety? Something I’ve found useful with my ND child (not AFRID to clarify, but does prefer bland food) is to cook a safe favourite meal for the night after (often pasta for us). He then knows if he doesn’t like it, he’s got something he finds easy to eat the following night.

I’d definitely offer healthy food, bin any snacks and do lovely long walks together. If possible, I’d see if Dad could make sure the meals he provides could be healthy but I appreciate that’s potentially not possible.

I don't think my daughter realises she has put weight on which is a good thing but I have had a couple of comments about it myself from people close to us

Well they sound delightful! I’d tell them to kindly fuck off.

My weight fluctuated as a teen (still does now at age 30) due to hormone imbalances and my periods.

Keep encouraging walking, and don’t buy junk or snacks. Unless she is obese then please do not take her to GP.

Please be careful how you approach this, I've always been overweight and believe me, even if you don't think your daughter has noticed she may have done so but feels too embarrassed or self conscious to talk about it, I would be mortified if my mum dragged me to GP at that age to tell me how fat I was. As someone else said, people that are making comments need to be told to keep their opinions to themselves, I had people making comments about my weight at that age (some coming from my own dad) and it's stayed with me ever since, I feel deep shame and hurt about my weight because of other people's opinions (even when I lost lots of weight and was quite slim, I still felt like people judged me). Maybe do it as a family, explain your all going to make healthier choices, cook together and do activities together, rather then knock her down, build her confidence. It's tough at that age with all the hormones, peer pressure etc.

I wasnt planning on taking her to the GP - I don't want to make a big deal of it on that way.

I don't buy much at all in the way of treats. I never buy fizzy drinks.

I could make the portions of food smaller. She wants to have school dinners but I don't encourage this as I know full well what she will have - pasta.

I do have an older son who has really grown tall now and lost all his childhood weight but I don't think my daughter will be the same. I'm only 5ft and she's quite petite like me. She also has terrible eczema which I'm sure would improve if she changed her diet - I've tried to encourage this but it's like talking to a brick wall.

I can definitely encourage more in the way of exercise by walking. It's just dealing with her attitude is also tricky. I really am the mean mum trying to make her eat all these healthy foods and going on walks.

I appreciate the advice - thank you. I can look at smaller portions of food and keep on with the walking.

I could well be worrying over nothing to be honest - she is a beautiful girl and I just worry I'm letting her down.

My DS put on a fair bit of weight at this age. It was very noticeable, especially when he had swimming lessons. I’m lucky in that he’s a great eater in terms of variety but he’s not nearly as active as his sporty siblings - preferring Lego and comics to football etc.

I kept a bit of a weather eye on him as I was pretty sure it was hormonal. He’s 14 now and just had a massive growth spurt so it’s all evened out. I think he’ll always be on the bigger built side like a couple of his adult cousins but he’s definitely not overweight. At 12, I’d definitely consider the hormonal element for your daughter to be contributing to her weight.

I think it’s a good idea to make really healthy eating a family hobby in a way. We talk about this at home a lot (my DS is the only one interested, the others just roll their eyes and ignore me). I’m a scientist so I talk about the physiological impact of a healthy diet on both physical and mental health. DS is science-ey too so he likes this approach.

I try really hard to meal plan and prepare stuff in advance that I can shove on the table in tupperwares so they can help themselves. I’ve been surprised that my fussiest ND one has tried things this way that I’d have assumed he wouldn’t. It isn’t very insta worthy in loads of mismatched Tupperware but it seems to work.

I am VERY VERY aware that I sound like a massive nerd (I am) but this has worked for us. I like to think I’m educating them rather than nagging them but the other two might disagree……

Wishing you all the best

As previous posters have said,reduce portions and increase movement (walking) what age are your other children couls you all for example do couch to 1k? And keep increasing it?

I don't have children that age but I Do weigh my carbs because if I didn't I'd eat a lot more!

What does she eat with her pasta ? Could you buy reduced fat cheese of mozzarella? Both less calories. Smal changes should make a big difference at her age

It'll be the giving up swimming if she swam a lot before. During the first COVID lockdown when swimming pools, cricket nets, karate and Crav Maga were all closed my Foster Son put on 1 stone. He went from 10 hours of quite intense exercise a week to about 3 x 3km runs each week.

Get her involved in the shopping and cooking, use that as a way to explain how different foods are needed in different amounts and what they provide your body.

Dd10 is a little overweight and I am just verging on obese this year.
I realised I need to make sure she makes the right choices that I didn't make.
I explain it as now she's older she needs to learn how to do these things so when she has her own house she will know it all already rather than mentioning her weight.

She meal plans to a certain extent picking different veg to go with meals, different protein sources and knows what carbohydrates are, she would eat more pasta in one sitting than I could manage but now without me ever having mentioned portion sizes is starting to regulate what she has on her plate saying I think I need some more veg

Beyond pasta, is there anything she will eat?

Any vegetable? Does she eat meat? I would try and work on broadening her diet and reducing what she eats.

It must be such a worry - do keep on with the positive talk though. So long as you don’t make it about appearance and wanting her to be able to use her body/care for herself, it will be okay in the end.

My adult DD, who has dyspraxia, started hose riding aged 10 and found it brilliant. It’s the only sporty activity she could do well apart from swimming. She now owns her own horse! I know it’s hard with other kids too, but being around horses helps a lot of teenage girls get through the puberty/high school years. Lessons or maybe your DD could maybe muck out at local stables? Put a note up at tour vets? My DD has two local girls come to help out and spend time grooming/petting hers.

The focus certainly doesn’t need to be on weight but children that age should realise that the food choices they make have health consequences. @LoveIsleOfWight ’s approach sounds sensible to me.

Beauty insider here. Eczema is an autoimmune condition. You need to be vigelient for thyroid and PCOS conditions.Both pop up after puberty and cause weight gain. I have a DD who varies in her weight. She was bullied for it at school. No one cares at university. However I am very open with her. More fruit, more veg. We change our diet in the summer to protein and salads and I make a meal plan.
My mother dragged me to the doctor and later boyfriends for being a size 12 at 5'10''. 1970s madness.
I have just lost five stone through smaller portions and therapy!
My daughter has eczema and uses Kanzen skincare. Not expensive.

How old is your older son? Would he possibly be able to watch your 3rd DC whilst you and your DD go to the gym?

Otherwise definitely more walking and swimming as a family. Pasta with tomato sauce isn’t that bad, don’t put cheese on it or a very small amount. What else does she eat?

All children put weight on just before they start puberty/periods for girls. Don't make a big deal out of it or let her know you're concerned. Buy healthier food, less snacks, let her see you eating healthier too and do exercise together, it's lighter in the evenings now you could go out for walks together or go somewhere at the weekend- walking is free and brilliant exercise!

Not a solution… but perhaps a strand of one.

I would switch to buying ONLY high quality wholewheat pasta and ideally cook extra so it’s refrigerated and reheated…. Apparently this lowers the GI further due to starch resistance or something?

Offer pasta bulked with veg (I’m thinking kids secret veg tomato sauce)

in the kindest possible way, do you though?

I can't imagine a 12 year old taking kindly to that and if they are at that self conscious age it's even harder.

To me it's more the sort of thing you look back on as an adult and wished you had changed things back then, when it would have been easier to deal with, but that perspective only really comes with hindsight unfortunately .

I was overweight at that age no adult said anything or tried to help and left me to it. I was utterly miserable and have disorder eating for life. Ignoring the issue and not broaching did not help me not have issues around food sadly but agree it's complicated. I'm sorry you had a rough time.

With dyspraxia having a strong core really helps. I know 2 people who late in life got very fit and it really helps with their coordination. I wish couch 2 5k had existed when I was your DD's age. Gentle / private stamina training would have given my fat clumsy arse a huge boost - as it was PE was mortifying and only served to make me feel more alienated/ depressed.

Also I think it's highly unlikely she hasn't noticed. I remember feeling terrified anyone would mention it but also doomed to be fat forever and beyond help. Good luck. 🤞