My dds weight

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My daughter is 12 and over the past year she has put on a lot of weight. I have noticed this especially over the last few days with the warmer weather and the clothes she has been wearing.

This is down to her diet mostly. She won't eat anything healthy and would live off pasta if she could. I've tried absolutely everything to encourage healthier options but she refuses to eat it. It's always been a battle with her and food but now it's starting to show. Mix this with her hormones of a 12 year old...it's safe to say I'm struggling!

She recently stopped swimming and doesn't do any after school clubs now she's in secondary school but we do walk often and she walks more now to the school bus stop and back each day. She has been diagnosed with dyspraxia so sport is very difficult for her anyway and PE is a big stress in her life so to get her to have a hobby on sports won't go down well. She does sometimes do the school dance classes which she enjoys.

I don't think my daughter realises she has put weight on which is a good thing but I have had a couple of comments about it myself from people close to us - not immediate family.

Is there any need to approach my concern to my daughter? In the kindest and lightest way? I do think this is going to be a huge issue in her life going forwards as her dad (no longer together) is now very obese and isn't bothered about his weight and doesn't try to take care of his health at all which I worry my daughter is going to have the same outlook on life. She only sees him every other weekend but eats nothing but junk food and drinks fizzy drinks when she is with him. I try very hard to make sure she has a balanced diet at home but it can cause some friction when she turns her nose up at everything. I've tried hiding veg, blending it into food etc but it doesn't work. The range of food she actually likes is very limited - basically just pasta.

I just have no idea whether to approach it or not. As I've said, her moods and attitude at the moment is next level and I sadly don't feel we are very close at the moment at all.

I'd love to be able to take her to the gym or something - actually do something together which equally might improve our relationship but as a single mum of 3 it's difficult as I'd always need childcare for the other 2!

Absolutely do not talk to her about it, at her age that would be the worst thing to do.

I have two girls who have both been through this and my third is currently going through it too (she'll be 12 next week) they all put on weight around the start of secondary school, quite noticeably so. But then they had a growth spurt (currently waiting for my third to have her growth spurt) and the weight came back off, I think sometimes it's the body's way of getting ready to grow. It does depend how much weight though, I'd say my daughter's were at the top end of normal/lower end of overweight

No no no. We normalise this way too much.

This is because of over eating due to hunger. We should never ignore children becoming fat.

It’s an incredibly tricky situation and I’ve been both sides of it. I was overweight by 9 and my Mum, who had been an overweight teen, put me on diets. Her ethos was no-one had broached it with her and she resented that. However, what she unwittingly did was set me up for a long term issue with purging and then binging. I finally got on top of it in my late 30s and losing and then gaining what I’d lost + more until I was well into the obese category.
DD (11yo) was weighed and measured recently and she was 90th centile for height and weight. So she’s tall but yes, she’s heavy. With the letter came an info leaflet on a local council run service on managing diet and exercise. I said very clearly I didn’t want any ‘diet talk’ around DD and I’ve been delighted with what they provide. She gets a free exercise activity for 45 minutes while parents get an information session then we come in and chat. It’s all about making sensible, sustainable changes, how to change habits and encourage activities without making it a battle.
A couple of things I’d pick up with your DD - if she’s dyspraxia I would definitely look into the possibility of ARFID - when you say she only eats pasta - like, plain pasta, pasta with butter, pasta and sauce, pasta and cheese? It does sound like she’s got quite restrictive eating habits. I’d also second finding a physical activity she loves. I’m neurodivergent (Autistic/ADHD) and although I’m not dyspraxic I’m very unco-ordinated and hate ball games! A few years ago I did a free trial of ladies powerlifting and I was hooked! Been doing it ever since 🏋️‍♀️ I now eat to fuel my exercise and focus on toning my body and improving my strength. Ironically since I stopped watching my weight it’s coming off. I’m not saying powerlifting would be her thing (although it’s good for someone with co-ordination issues) but find something she enjoys, something that gets her smiling!

Lead by example. Don’t have crap in the house, give her packed lunches. Walk more.
At 12 you can still control her diet to a large extent. If there’s usually chick/ biscuits/ crisps, swap it out for fruits etc but for everyone.

But it is absolutely normal, hormonally and physiologically?

Does she get enough protein ? I think protein stops you feeling hungry ? How about you start doing zumba a class on a smart tv? She might join in? Good on all the walking too!

I'm afraid I know nothing about Dyspraxia, so this might be totally inappropriate, but does your daughter like music OP? If so, could you play some of her favourite music and start dancing to the tunes, encouraging her to dance at the same time? As a youngster I was really fat - size 18 at age 9. At age 13 I started going to a local club disco with a skinny girlfriend, and she got me dancing with her, I lost so much weight, doing something that I found to be fun, so just thought I'd make the suggestion. Hope it might be of some help.

I wouldn't brush this off as your DD simply being due a growth spurt or anything like that. I personally think we need to do everything we can to make sure that our kids get to 18 a healthy weight and relatively active - after that, it's up to them. But the stats are clear that overweight children are much more likely to be overweight adults. If your child is significantly overweight at 18, they're starting out on life with a mountain to climb in terms of getting back to a healthy weight and the problems seem to persist throughout life - it's much harder to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight than it is for someone who is healthy at 18 but puts on weight in adulthood.

I think it is very difficult to know what to do in these circumstances, as ideally you don't want to make a big thing of it. I wouldn't discuss it without your DD at all but would just quietly stop buying junk, up the protein and reduce the pasta portions, and focus on active pastimes as a family as much as you can. If you keep her as busy as possible, she has less time to eat from boredom, which is sometimes a big factor. Also, kids this age often like earning a bit of extra money if they can - do you have any nice neighbours who might give your DD some work in their gardens or washing cars in exchange for a few quid?

My kids weren’t given pasta everyday ….that’s what they wanted but it’s not healthy. I also had a no pudding / treats rule unless a good amount of vegetables are eaten.

I don’t expect plates to be cleared but a good amount of everything needs to be tried.

I appreciate with older kids it’s harder but you need to stop pandering. You can they rid of all the treats and don’t buy any until she starts eating veg etc. Don’t offer pasta every night…hopefully she will eat when she’s hungry enough especially if you start out with plain stuff like rice, Broccolli, plain chicken etc. I think that’s better than mentioning her weight/

Would she eat a pasta soup? Smaller amount of pasta within a tomato, (butter beans optional) and vegetable base. I often put chicken in too.

It’s a favourite for us.

I would be careful with your words. My DD suddenly put on a lot of weight at that age and I'm glad no-one said anything because she suddenly shot up and her feet were quickly 3 sizes bigger. And puberty kicked her arse too.
The diet isn't great though.

sadly you cannot control what goes on at her dad's and it sounds like he is a terrible role model when it comes to healthy weight.
But you can control what goes on in your house. No junk food. No fizzy drinks. Balanced diet and no beige crap. Plenty of exercise. Preferibly something you can do as a family.

I completely agree. There are ways to do it without causing issues. Honestly it’s no wonder so many kids and adults are overweight with everyone too afraid to say anything and lying about how great they look.

Up the family activity level, I am also dyspraxic. I can't ride a bike, tie my laces in my way but not the usual way (can't do it) , I'm still clumsy and often have bruises on my legs, I fell up the stairs at work a while ago and did a real number on myself. The right exercise helps. I do deep water aqua fit and pilates classes, and spin, my balance and core strength is so much better than it was a year ago, I started in January 23, I've also lost more than 5 stone since summer 22. Please don't let her use that as a reason not to exercise. I did when I was young and it was harder to pull it back than it would've been to have an active lifestyle from the beginning.

Can you talk to her in more general terms about her having reached the age where our bodies change and weight gain can happen more easily.

Discuss the importance of taking control of your own food intake now she is a bit older and so just because others (i.e dad) eat like this, it's down to you to consider those choices.

Treat it more like a coming of age/ responsibilities chat perhaps making it a bit wider than just food.

God it's hard being a parent some times . Loads of here saying please mention it and help her ( like they wish they had been) and the other half saying to ignore or else she ll end up with lifelong issues .

I don't have the answer . If you were taking her to the gp. I'd tell her that you're afraid she might be lacking some vitamins as her diet is so limited so you want to get her checked out and use that as the excuse rather than weight .

You could sign up to Borrow My Doggy? Activity for everyone?

Is there a holiday planned or anything that the entire family could get more active for?

Sports day is coming. Bloody excruciating day as a child if you are unfit but you could do Couch to 5k or Parkrun all together

Can you chat to your ex. He might not give a shit about his own health but might take a different view of his children's especially if it's making miserable. Or he might give her all kinds of shit to score points, only you know.

Are you confident that all the gluten is not contributing to her eczema ?

Nope, so much terrible advice here. Do NOT mention it to her. Do the opposite -- compliment how strong her body is! Sure sideways tricks for healthy eating are great (put everything out on table and let her serve herself; don't pander but always include at least one thing she likes), and finding ways to exercise that are fun for mental health as well (dog, swimming, challenge to do a new walk each weekend, etc). But there is zero evidence that diets for children do anything but harm. I recommend the book "Your Child's Weight: Helping Without Harming" by Ellyn Sattyr.

It seems a very obvious partial solution at least to make the portions smaller. This should’ve been your first port of call. Someone eating only pasta doesn’t need to be overweight. I have dyspraxia too and was very fussy about food growing up and did have a sweet tooth. Also was very short but I was slim partly because I was super active, played in school sports team, walked a fair bit to get to school bus etc and was always out playing with friends after school and on weekends. I think for me dyspraxia affected my fine motor movements more (writing ,painting, sewing) but not so much the gross motor movements involved in playing hockey, football , running etc so I was always sporty.

It’s great that she walks a lot. Definitely build on that.

You are doing well to try and introduce her to more foods and veggies etc though because overweight or not her nutrition needs are not being met by having such a limited diet. But If she’s anything like me she’ll hit 16 and after a lifetime of turning up her nose at everything she will suddenly start eating everything!

I would say I wanted to get fit and healthy myself lets do it together. Then involve her in menu planning and do fun fitness activities with her. My friend in this situation hired a young trendy PT for her and both her teen girls.

If she uses SM prompt towards fun recipes and fitness influencers. Both my teen girls very aware of healthy eating and staying in shape they often come up with trendy salad recipes etc they’ve seen on TikTok. Eat off smaller plates to reduce portion sizes.

I just have no idea whether to approach it or not. As I've said, her moods and attitude at the moment is next level and I sadly don't feel we are very close at the moment at all.

Ok it doesn’t sound like it’ll go down well if you raise it with her, but also I think it’s important to try and get her to talk about or express her feelings somehow. Does she like writing or journaling or would she do a “book club” with you? It sounds like she may be struggling for whatever reason and she’s comfort eating. Pasta is her main comfort hence she keeps going back to that.

You need to tackle the root of the over eating.

Despite being thin I started to binge on cake and chocolates etc from a young age, my parents being separated affected me and was the root of a lot of trauma tbh. To this day I struggle with a sweet tooth and binge eating. I am more likely to eat junk when sad, stressed or in pain eg. Period cramp.

The only way she's going to lose weight is if you track her calories properly and ensure she's in a small deficit, and adding on exercise such as swimming or even just more walking will definitely help too. Pasta isn't great no but it doesn't mean she can't lose weight whilst eating it, she just needs smaller portions and calories to be properly tracked (without her knowing of course, you don't need to be telling a 12 year old about weight and calories imo if you can sort the weight out yourself discreetly)

i remember at that age to maybe 13/14 i put on quite a bit of weight and was SO hungry all the time. like i couldn’t stop eating! then im not sure why i just sort of went back to normal as i grew a bit.

is she quite small? could a growth spurt be coming soon? i think it will most likely drop off as she gets taller and starts periods etc.