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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt at no invitation

30 replies

HPIEX · 09/05/2024 13:44

I have been close friends with 2 other women for many years. We share a hobby and used to do this together a lot as a tight knit group of 3. With kids and work responsibilities etc we have done far less of this in recent years. I have more access to childcare and am able to indulge in hobby fairly frequently. When I do I almost always invite one friend in particular, and have made lots of effort in this, including driving her door to door and getting her tickets etc, the other friend less so due to location.

I recently spoke to both friends separately and we chatted around various topics at length- I did mention during both conversations that I was rather short of money due to a recent expense. Two weeks after this I saw pictures on social media of the two of them on holiday at a choice location for the hobby, somewhere we had previously spoken about going together.

AIBU to be hurt at not being invited? I realise I had mentioned being broke to them a couple of weeks previously, but I am sure this would have been arranged before these conversations, and I think it was deliberately not mentioned. Had I been invited I would have easily been able to afford it and would have definitely accepted.

I realise they were under no obligation to invite me, but feel I have been deliberately excluded although I don’t know why and there has been no fall out etc.

AIBU to feel excluded and return the favour with no further invites or offers of lifts coming from my direction?

OP posts:
Teentaxidriver · 09/05/2024 13:47

You are not being unreasonable. These things suck. And yes, I think for your own sanity minimise lifts, ticket buying etc. You have attached more importance to the friendship that the other person and so the rational reaction is to take a step back.

wombleberry · 09/05/2024 13:48

Maybe the friend you make less effort with feels hurt at not being included, and arranged this trip with the person who doesn't exclude her. This sounds like a reverse, tbh.

Bestyearever2024 · 09/05/2024 13:52

wombleberry · 09/05/2024 13:48

Maybe the friend you make less effort with feels hurt at not being included, and arranged this trip with the person who doesn't exclude her. This sounds like a reverse, tbh.

I thought exactly this - not sure about the reverse tho

You're perfectly happy to leave out friend 2 but when YOU are left out - woe is you - pathetic

gamerchick · 09/05/2024 13:56

But you leave one of them out of stuff OP?

You say you would have been able to afford it but you've said you're skint right next to the holiday.

Friendships aren't transactional. You don't give to get it back. Stop running around for other people so much.

Probably worth not repeatedly mentioning you're skint as well. People can pick that up as hints.

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2024 13:59

If you regularly leave one of them out then they're just doing the same

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2024 14:02

When I do I almost always invite one friend in particular, and have made lots of effort in this, including driving her door to door and getting her tickets etc, the other friend less so due to location.

So you have done the same thing, yet it's only a problem now because it's happened to you?

Greydiamond · 09/05/2024 14:04

YANBU to feel sad at not being invited.

It is up to you how you want to proceed.
Do you want to share your hurt? Do you want to jinx about an invite next time?

E.g "Oh this looks so lovely. Would be great to do it as a three too. Can't wait to hear about it!"

On the other hand though, you mentioned in your post that you're a three but you invited one person more regularly. I don't like how some PP have worded it, but is it worth considering this is a similar situation?

It doesn't take away how you feel right now but worth considering how to avoid anyone feeling that way in the future.

Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 14:05

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2024 13:59

If you regularly leave one of them out then they're just doing the same

Sorry I don’t think I was clear. I don’t leave the other friend out at all, but don’t invite her every time I do hobby as she lives several hundred miles away. I usually do invite her but don’t offer to drive her due to distance and she has her own transport whereas other friend doesn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 14:08

Bestyearever2024 · 09/05/2024 13:52

I thought exactly this - not sure about the reverse tho

You're perfectly happy to leave out friend 2 but when YOU are left out - woe is you - pathetic

Show quote history

This is actually pretty mean. If you were indeed having your ‘best year ever’ I doubt you’d be so spiteful 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 14:21

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2024 14:02

When I do I almost always invite one friend in particular, and have made lots of effort in this, including driving her door to door and getting her tickets etc, the other friend less so due to location.

So you have done the same thing, yet it's only a problem now because it's happened to you?

No not really. Won’t say what niche hobby is as potentially outing, but equivalent to I always invite local friend when I’m going to the garden centre and usually the distant friend also in case she can make it which she sometimes can. But they’ve gone to the Chelsea flower show and didn’t invite me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 14:37

gamerchick · 09/05/2024 13:56

But you leave one of them out of stuff OP?

You say you would have been able to afford it but you've said you're skint right next to the holiday.

Friendships aren't transactional. You don't give to get it back. Stop running around for other people so much.

Probably worth not repeatedly mentioning you're skint as well. People can pick that up as hints.

I know friendships are not transactional, I include them in the things I do because I enjoy their company, not because I expect something back. Just a bit hurt they seem to value my company less. I only mentioned being skint to them as I’m fairly self deprecating and had recently bought myself a pricey and rather ‘showy’ treat which although I love was a little embarrassed by the grandiosity of it!

OP posts:
pensione · 09/05/2024 14:39

AIBU to feel excluded and return the favour with no further invites or offers of lifts coming from my direction?

YANBU. Silly bitch was happy to use you for free lifts and petrol.

Fuck her! No more invites.

Itsonlymashadow · 09/05/2024 14:40

I think it’s fine. You are closer to one that the other.

Obviously the friend in the middle is close to both. It’s really ok for her to go away with one friend. You and that friend do things together. The other 2 also can.

Coconutter24 · 09/05/2024 14:42

“When I do I almost always invite one friend in particular, and have made lots of effort in this, including driving her door to door and getting her tickets etc, the other friend less so due to location.”

What if the friend who you almost always invite out didn’t make the plans but the friend you invite less due to location actually made the plans? Maybe she didn’t feel the need to invite you as you don’t always invite her?

Bluezoom · 09/05/2024 14:43

YANBU Op, I would be hurt too.

I agree with PP. The friend you don’t see as much probably made the plan with the other one, and didn’t feel obliged to invite you.
Then as it wasn’t her thing, the one you see more didn’t feel she could invite you along.

Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 14:51

Coconutter24 · 09/05/2024 14:42

“When I do I almost always invite one friend in particular, and have made lots of effort in this, including driving her door to door and getting her tickets etc, the other friend less so due to location.”

What if the friend who you almost always invite out didn’t make the plans but the friend you invite less due to location actually made the plans? Maybe she didn’t feel the need to invite you as you don’t always invite her?

Thank you I think is likely the case. My perception was that we were all equally close, but as others have said I think I’ve over invested. I’ve actually done a lot more of hobby and socialising generally with the geographically more distant friend, due to the personal circumstances of the geographically closer friend.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 09/05/2024 15:35

HPIEX · 09/05/2024 14:51

Thank you I think is likely the case. My perception was that we were all equally close, but as others have said I think I’ve over invested. I’ve actually done a lot more of hobby and socialising generally with the geographically more distant friend, due to the personal circumstances of the geographically closer friend.

Show quote history

Yeh I think you’ve just over thought it. Yeh it’s not nice to not be invited to something you’d enjoy but I bet the friend who doesn’t always get invited has probably felt the same way. I wouldn’t start not initiating meet ups or anything in retaliation though. Even friend groups do things separately

Sunnyandsilly · 09/05/2024 15:39

You’re just feeling envious and left out, they haven’t done anything wrong really but I understand your feelings.

not quite sure how you can be both skint and easily afford a holiday at rhe same time though…

BrandNewBicep · 09/05/2024 15:55

I think your mistake was saying you were skint. I had exactly the same issue many years ago. Friends didn't invite us to things, thinking they were being sensitive and thoughtful, but it didn't feel like that at the time. It did blow over.

NeedToChangeName · 09/05/2024 15:59

YANBU to feel disappointed not to be invited

But, it's life. It happens to all of us. I think best to be quite breezy about it and not let on that you felt excluded

Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 16:00

Sunnyandsilly · 09/05/2024 15:39

You’re just feeling envious and left out, they haven’t done anything wrong really but I understand your feelings.

not quite sure how you can be both skint and easily afford a holiday at rhe same time though…

I was skint til payday, not struggling to feed family. I earn enough, but had overspent a bit, DP would have fronted it anyway. But yes, I was a bit jealous!

OP posts:
hendoop · 09/05/2024 16:07

Honestly I think people often misjudge the levels of friendships

So when you do the same hobby you are a lot more like colleagues, you see each other by accident as you do the hobby. You may get on but if it's the basis of your friend ship you may not be as close as you think

They may love your company for the hobby / sport but not want to spend extended holiday time with you

It's ok

I do a niche hobby and we go away as friends, I don't want to go with all of them as some would annoy the bollocks off me and others I adore 24/7. Doesn't mean I like them less but it's just we aren't that close and I am not close enough to be completely honest when I need time out etc like I am with the others

Original poster
HPIEX · 09/05/2024 16:08

Thank you for all your advice and wise words, has helped me to gain a bit of perspective. I’ll close this now as I can’t think many will say much different to what has been already said 😚

OP posts:
hendoop · 09/05/2024 16:09

We are in a group and a few of them are lovely but just too much for extended periods, nothing against them but have different social batteries / behaviour on holidays etc

For example they drink a lot and will want to club and end up paralytic throwing up- I am not about that

Mannyshy · 09/05/2024 16:10

Have the other 2 been friends longer? Do they see one another more? Are they on holiday, or just a day out?

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